The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Thursday, 6 December 1990

Maybe If We Were Closer...

1.10pm
 
My No.1: ‘Velouria’ by Pixies

 
Good news from IRAQ that all ‘hostages’ will be released whenever they wish.  Obviously the IRAQI GOVT. is biding its time, hoping to delay a WAR SCENARIO.  Oh well, that’s my Samuel Pepy’s bit for today – back to my personal life a bit later, perhaps…
 
Later:
 
‘Throw Down’ – Dinosaur Jr.

 
Lately I’ve been catching up on NEXT GEN episodes I’ve taped and haven’t watched yet, including:
 
THE BATTLE
 
HAVEN

 
JUSTICE
 
HIDE AND Q
 
 
I’ve really enjoyed them.  Okay, so STAR TREK works on a very limited format without the freedom of DOCTOR WHO, for example, but I believe it’s a fine series.  Another thing to keep my imagination alive.  I enjoy it very much.
 
Later:
 
‘Marian’ – The Sisters of Mercy

 
I received a letter from Maggie at last today.  Now, please don’t think me a stubborn little git, but I did feel rather disheartened by it.  All the same, things haven’t changed between us, I hope.
 
She apologises for being late in replying, but she’s been busy.  She tells me she has a tape-recording of me being interviewed on BBC radio from last year, and that she’ll make me a copy.  She also urges me to be brave, despite my recent trips to the DHSS and says she knows I’ll ‘make it’ in my chosen career one day: ‘You’ll be a professional writer one day – I just know it!’  She’s been making small wall-hangings of the sun and moon out of clay as Christmas presents. 
 
I guess the bit that annoys me – after so many letters from her that seemed to need my support and, more specifically, my love – is the bit that follows.  I suppose my last letter to her got a touch amorous – but then why wouldn’t it?  Anyway, she says she likes me loads and wants to spend time with me and do stuff, but she doesn’t want a ‘relationship’ with me, especially as we’re so far apart.  Though she does add: ‘I love you and I do mean all the things I say in my letters’.  She’s very kind and enthusiastic about me and all the things she wants to do with me (I’m not talking sex or anything here) and the times she’d like to spend with me, but she’s not ready for that level of commitment with me.  Which is a shame and makes me quite sad. 
 
Guess I was hoping for something with her and have been for a while.  Maybe if we were closer, but I’ve no idea.  Maybe she just doesn’t fancy me and appreciates me sincerely as nothing more than a mate.  She signs of with three kisses, telling me she misses me, but I think I ought to perhaps move on and forget this one.  Still, I’m very glad to have her as a friend and a great one at that.  And I do like the kind things she said about me.  But in what way does she ‘love’ me?  I’m not clear on that and feel a little confused.  I understand that we can’t ‘go out’ with each other – that would be absurd, given the miles between us – but if the distance were closed… well, I guess I’d love to know if we had any… potential.  Could it be at all likely in the future?
 
Or should I just think about moving on?
 
‘What Kind of Fool?’ – All About Eve

 
Tonite, I rang Mary-Jane Ferguson.  She’s now going out with Reuben Hill, who – if you didn’t already know – is Kat’s brother.  Now Reuben and Kat have always been very close, but since he’s been seeing Fergie, she’s been cold, reluctant, and won’t go anywhere near Fergie.  Kat, you see, has been envious of Fergie ever since I started seeing her (particularly when I turned down Kat’s offer of ‘getting off’ behind Fergie and Willock’s backs…)
 
Well, Reuben’s pissed off with Kat about it and so he asked Fergie if she knows why Kat hates her so much.  Fergie told him that Kat had tried to get off with me earlier this year , whilst still with Willock, and that Fergie had said Johnny and me were better lovers than Willock, etc, etc, etc.  Reuben was shocked, of course; so developments in that area will be interesting to watch in the future.
 
Oh, and Mickey hasn’t written to Fergie since he went to study in New York, so she’s annoyed with him now. 
 
It was very nice to speak to her, though.
 
 
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Next time: ‘Trish…’

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