The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Tuesday, 4 December 1990

Justify My Love

‘Justify My Love’ – Madonna

And still nothing from Maggie.  Instead I received a letter via the postie from Amy Neat.  In it, she declares her love for me in her most literate and poetic manner yet.  The words are of truth and love and she bestows no end of compliments upon me, my mind, my body, my soul, my love-making and my total being.  But I can only say this – and I’m sorry to say it – the feelings it stirred in me were wholly negative, no doubt caused by its arrival instead of a letter from Maggie.  It turned my stomach and made me feel physically sick.  But why?  I don’t know.  I just don’t, any longer, wish to see myself in any intimate future with Amy.  Bless her, because I really am sorry about that.  I think she’s lovely in her own way and I love her company, but – in spite of myself and my ego which adores this kind of sexual flattery – I just felt ill and empty as I read it.
Where are you, Maggie?
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Next time: ‘A Possible World…’

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