The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 7 October 1990

Another Regeneration

‘Tunes Splits the Atom’ – MC Tunes VS 808 State

It’s funny, in recent months, I’d buy DWM and read it all in one go, but this month I’ve read hardly any of it.  It’s not enticing me.  I feel as if I’ve stopped caring.  Which might make you all think, ‘Ooh, that’s not very nice of him, is it?’  This might shock you even more: I don’t know if I care a toss about DOCTOR WHO any more…
Tonight, for example, I put on DOCTOR WHO: WARRIORS’ GATE, but found myself letting it wash over me.  I was very passive, not engaged.  Then, of all bloody things, LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE came on (BBC 1), a somewhat underwhelming and mediocre comedy that I’m not particularly bothered about, but I turned off DOCTOR WHO to watch this instead.  And quite enjoyed it.  I haven’t bothered resuming my watch of the WHO video.
Don’t get me wrong.  It’s obvious that WHO is brilliant.  I think I’m just at a bit of a crossroads with it.  We’re undergoing a bit of a schism.  I just don’t think that, for the moment, I can be fucked with it.  I wish it was back on, y’know?  New episodes, a new series, but it’s not and Star Trek seems to have taken its place…
Anyway, I’ve been over all that…
‘I Need A Little Time’ – The Beautiful South

It’s the DOCTOR WHO PANOPTICON CONVENTION the weekend after next and I feel as if I’m only going because I like SOPHIE ALDRED.  I’m only really going so I can see SOPHIE.  And I feel rather guilty that I don’t give a damn that SYLVESTER MCCOY’s going to be there.
Mind you, with my luck, I’ll get a letter from the DWAS saying I registered too late, and that I’m a puff, me, and they’re gonna knack me.
As far as DOCTOR WHO goes, perhaps the PANOPTICON will help us reconcile somehow.  I’m hoping it will invigorate my interest and end my lethargy.  It used to be my favourite programme.  If it doesn’t, then my DOCTOR WHO life is probably over…
No!  I won’t have that.
But this is bad, y’know?  I’ve never felt this indifferent before.  Well, not for years.  I try to engage with it but at the moment it just does nothing for me.  Which hurts me.
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.  I did used to think about it a hell of a lot.  Maybe I’ve exhausted all my thoughts and theories and fascinations about DOCTOR WHO and the brand-new godsend universe of STAR TREK has given me something else to do.  And I approach STAR TREK differently.  As if it’s not my programme.  As if, when I’m watching, I’m a ‘guest’.  I approach it much less ‘academically’ than I did DOCTOR WHO.  I suspend my disbelief a bit more and take it as… I don’t know… something different to DOCTOR WHO.  It has a different style.
DOCTOR WHO will wait, I know it will.  It’ll bloom and become something for me to engage with in the future.  And when I finally get back into it it’ll thrill me.  Deep inside. 
Feels funny at the moment, though…
‘Some Kind of Stranger’ – The Sisters of Mercy

This morning, I got up at 9am to watch CORNERS with Sophie Aldred (bits of which I videoed!).  After a bath, I watched BOXPOPS.
Spock came over later and we watched his highly erotic video of ‘watersports’.
After he went, I tidied the house, but then Gemma Winchester rang to tell me she couldn’t come as planned.  Bugger.
Peter Conti rang.  Just to tell me he’s all right.
And Sophie Fisher and I have arranged to go out some time next week.
‘Set the Controls for the Heart of the Bass’ – Bass-O-Matic

Johnny rang tonite.
He rings me every day.  I don’t mind.  I just wonder why.  He often has nothing to say.  Maybe he just needs the contact.  A close friend.  Like we used to be.  I really do hope so.  I’ve missed Johnny, and now we’re good friends again, I’m so happy. 
Much happier now.
I reached the end of my psychological and emotional tether the week before and during my trip to PORTSMOUTH.  Miranda bore the brunt of my schizophrenia and I have written her a letter of apology (although some the things I did or said remain, to my mind, perfectly valid, though badly/wrongly executed/expressed!).  I think the relaxation of my weeks in Yorkshire and the Lake District cleansed my mind, my soul.  And now, to return home and find that one still has friends, and not just any friends but dear old friends returned at last… well, it’s a huge help to the rebuilding of my psyche.
In the early hours of this morning, whilst in bed, I began to despair about my future.  So I stopped for a moment and stepped outside myself.  I laughed and told myself to ‘shut up and think about something else instead’.
No anxiety.  No depression.
I’m not the man I was six weeks ago.  Thank god I’m still capable of change.
I’m applying for a job as a postman.
‘One Small Day’ – Ultravox

It gets terribly sad when you lose yourself in nostalgia and sentimentality.  When you bind yourself to them, which I often do, I suppose.  I throw myself into it like some kind of penance.  I flagellate myself with the past and my failure to be present within it.  I pick up the diaries and play the records of far gone days.  And I enjoy the exquisite pain; lather myself up in it… 
I’ve been reading the diaries of Flash from late 1986, so I got mine out to read alongside.  The love triangle problems: Flash, Manda and Dodo.  Same again with Ritcherd, Jenny and Alison
Jenny Taylor, eh?  I wish I had her phone number; I’d love to see her again.  She’s got my Chinese box for one thing, full of letters that travelled between us. 
‘Wave’ by David Sylvian could reduce me to tears, thinking about those innocent days when emotions became – for the first time – truly piquant, exquisite; painful an pleasurable. 
I just listened to the Situation tape that covered all that: EMOTIONAL CRISIS.  Beautiful.
Other nostalgic periods tickling my fancy right now?  Well, this time last year, of course, and this time in 1988, but also the first half of 1988…
What worries me is this: if I fill my current days with nostalgia, will there ever be an October 1990 feeling to enjoy/endure in the future?
[YES! – Ritcherd, OCT 1991]
[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]
Next time: ‘The university boys…’

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