The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Saturday, 21 July 1990

Depression: Phase 2

1am

‘Dream Within A Dream’ – Propaganda

This time last year: Miranda’s feet; us kissing; her beautiful breasts; the two of us making love.

MEMORIES.  BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES.

CONFUSION WAS THE KILLER.

Later:

12.50pm

DEPRESSION, PHASE TWO

What a twat. 

‘California Dreamin’’ – The Mamas & the Papas

I’m crying again; face to face with my fears.  My life might as well just be at an end.  I hate it here.  I hate it here in Cambridgeshire.  Here, where my life has reached its lowest ebb.

It seems I am being made to learn a lesson in patience.

Over the coming year, I had hoped to attempt finding work in ‘showbusiness’.  If that didn’t work out then I’d rethink going to Polytechnic (or preferably drama school).  But I’m ill-equipped to the task.  And it seems I may have to find a factory job or some such rubbish and end up working my way through until at least July 1991 in something I really don’t want to be doing or have the stomach for.  I know myself.  I know the ruts I get into.  By next summer I’ll have lost sight of my dreams and desires.  I’ll probably have to get driving lessons and buy a car, too.  But on a wage of about £100 a week, what money will I have left?  How will I afford to leave home and find my future elsewhere?  My life feels like it’s slowing to a halt and I can’t take it.  I just can’t take the waiting.  And there’s a lot of waiting to be done before I can even begin to start implementing the things I really need to implement in order to even start down the path of my dreams.  Bloody arsing bugger.

Later:

‘Tomorrow Never Knows’ – The Beatles

I’ve calmed down now.  I was on the verge of something terrible earlier on. 

I’ve seen a local job advertised that, given the options hereabouts, I would desperately love to do: steward at the Wisbech Museum.  I will send my application tomorrow.  If it’s what I want and within my capabilities, then I would be very happy to get that job.


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Next time: ‘Cajoled and bullied…’

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