The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 20 May 1990

After All

8.30pm

‘After All’ – David Bowie

Shit week ahead.

Later:

‘When the Wind Blows’ – David Bowie

I am dischuffed with the weekend just gone.

Amy’s, Ash’s and Legs’ presence hasn’t done much for me.  I felt I had work and things to be doing, like you do when you half-heartedly ask people to stay.

The fact that we’ve ‘done stuff’ – Amy and me, I mean – makes me feel guilty now for some reason.  I can’t explain why.  But today, whilst she was here, I couldn’t bear to be near her.  Not because of her – she’s gorgeous – but because of something wrong inside me.  What’s wrong with my approach to women, sex and relationships?  I sometimes wonder if I’m actually just a repressed homosexual.  I mean, I sometimes feel much closer to certain male friends than I do my girlfriends.  I probably display a broader set of emotions with them too.  I often unintentionally treat my girlfriends like shit – and myself in the process.

I read somewhere once that James Bond treats women the way he does because he sub-consciously hates them.  Do I?

Surely not. 

I dunno.

Maybe it’s just situations I hate.  Ideas.  Hypotheticals that in their ultimate expression just disappoint me.


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Next time: ‘Stephen Fry…’

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