‘Light My Fire’ – The Doors
My day began at 12am in The Walks, drinking cans of bitter with Kat, Amy and Rita – feeling a little high-spirited after a successful performance of LOOT.
Kat started sharing my can with me and then, slyly, feeling my backside.
Things suddenly felt, quite bizarrely, as if they were coming full circle, just as I’d felt had been. As we sat on a swing together, Kat started to kiss me. My instant, drunken, mental reaction was, ‘Oh! Wow! Ace!’ But within a second or two, my mind was saying, ‘Hang on! Fergie!’ – so I pulled out of it. Kat tried to continue, but I wouldn’t let it happen, and thankfully Rita had run over to rescue me. At first, Rita thought I had encouraged it, started it, but quickly realised what was happening as Kat burst into tears and apologised.
Rita and I sat consoling Kat who told us how unhappy she was with Willock. She told us how she has been feeling lately about me and Jonny, of how she wants to spend time with us both – together and separately – before we all leave Tech. She said she still loves us both so much and has done for so long. This had Rita in tears, and then me too. Amy was totally gobsmacked.
Rita and Amy left Kat and I alone for a while (on trust) and Kat told me I was the best lover she’s ever had and the thing she wants most in the world is to spend one more night at my home, in bed with me. I told her that if my life were currently happening under totally different circumstances that might be have been feasible, but with things as they are it was now impossible; out of the question. It just can’t and won’t be done. It’s not as if I feel nothing for her, it’s just that I’ve sussed my life now and I’m seeing Fergie as a commitment. Kat said she was jealous of Fergie and me. She was begging me to sleep with her again and attempting to kiss me. So I was glad when Rita came back over (Amy had been telling her she loves me so much still).
Rita opted to take Kat home, and I walked Amy back to Plaxtole House, where we both had a big hug.
I slept at Jonny’s.
‘Like A Merry-Go-Round’ – The Wonder Stuff
Today, Kat was very ‘offish’ towards me, but eventually wrote me a letter during the LOOT run.
SHE APOLOGISES FOR EMABARRASSING ME ‘LAST NIGHT’. SHE NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE ME ANY TROUBLE, BUT SHE’S SO GLAD SHE’S TOLD ME HOW SHE FEELS. IT’S BEEN BUILDING UP INSIDE HER FOR AGES. SHE SAYS SHE LOVES LOOKING INTO MY EYES, AND THAT NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE AWAY THE WAY SHE FEELS ABOUT ME – IT’S STRONGER THAN LOVE. SHE SAYS THAT WHEN SHE SAW ME THIS AFTERNOON SHE JUST WANTED TO HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH SHE LOVES ME. SHE SAYS SHE CAN’T HELP THE WAY SHE FEELS ABOUT ME; HER LOVE FOR ME HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER DIE, EVER. SHE SIGNS OFF OFFERING ALL HER LOVE AS ALWAYS AND A SINGLE KISS.
Even so, we hardly spoke.
Just to make things even more complicated, Rita came up to me later and told me that she herself woul like to make love to me on the last day, no questions asked!
And I tell Fergie all these things, don’t I? So she lays it on thick about herself, Chloe Attenborough, Kat Hill, Amy Neat, Lilith MacMillan, etc. And then there’s Rita in a bizarre sense…
Anyway, I really loved Fergie today and she was nice to me in the LOOT interval, and afterwards. Thanks for the lovely letter, Mary-Jane.
‘Flying’ – The Beatles
Tonight’s performance of LOOT was excellent. I feel very happy with my own performance on both nights.
I have been very much commended for my portrayal of ‘Truscott’ – though most members of TS2 have been saying it was rubbish.
FUCK OFF, TERRIBLY SHITE TWO!
Fergie loved it – and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
Mind you, as I sat in the pub afterwards with Drama folk, Kat began to rub my leg with hers, and I felt so flattered, I couldn’t help but rub back – which was a silly thing to do. As much as I love her as a person, I don’t want to encourage her. She’s admitted she’s trapped in a time warp, lost in the summer of 1988 with me and Flash, wrapped in my purple sheet.
I’m staying at Jonny’s.
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Next time: ‘Weird President’s Ball…’