The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Monday, 23 April 1990

Lilith Returns


‘Infinity’ – Guru Josh


But how could a day full of such badness feel also quite good?

This vague togetherness, this flimsy relationship of mine and Mary-Jane’s – hah!  I piss in its sincerity.


I got into Tech and spoke to Astra Trellis straight away.  Been a while since I saw her, and it was lovely to chat – but as I did so, I felt a finger prod me in the back.

Who was it?

Well, I turned, expecting to see Fergie, but no, it was…

Lilith MacMillan

And she’s back in Norfolk for good.

My heart did actually thrill to see her again and she was quite obviously happy to see me.

And then Fergie came over.

So Lilith left.

Fergie and I were very ‘off’ with each other; little to say.  Shelley, Fergie’s friend, is getting married soon and all Fergie could talk about was that or how entertaining Barry was when he visited her over Easter.  I was billy chuffed.

So I went to talk with Amy Neat, which I enjoyed. 

Then DPA2 got together to discuss FRANKENSTEIN, vaguely.

After this, in the Common Room, I spoke to Lilith, at which point I’m sure Fergie was bitching us both off.  I went and sat with Fergie eventually, but it was dull, so I left her to go back and talk to Lilith.  This gave me time to tell her all my news and she told me hers.  She says she hates Nick, and she thinks she might be pregnant.  Feeling a bit bitchy herself, she grabbed me and hugged me openly in the Common Room for all to see.  Fergie gave us dagger looks.  Lilith then told me she wants to come and stay at my house one night this week.  I hope she does.  I’ve missed her.  I really have.

After Lilith left I sat and chatted to Amy at great length.

‘Cartoon Boyfriend’ – The Wonder Stuff

Later on, Donna Davidson and I had massive talks and we want to go to bed together and live in London together in the summer.  And for the rest of whenever.

Jonny’s nice and so is Missy.  Jonny + I went into town this afternoon and bumped into Fergie and Sandra, but said fuck all to them.

Back at Tech, I was at the end of my tether, so I went to The Walks with Fergie, hoping to have a much-need ‘big chat’.  And who should we bump into?  Stan, of all people!  He was on crutches, with a leg in plaster after an accident involving a human pyramid at a MISSION gig…

Anyway, I told Fergie how I felt about her and my jealousy over Barry and Mickey.  She does like Barry tonnes, but she says she also likes me and Mickey.  Well, after that, we agreed that we didn’t owe each other anything and we are now ‘free agents’.  We still touched, though.  And at tech we kissed loads, but I told her that ultimately if she wants Barry, then she must be with him and not me.  Or Mickey for that matter.  It’s bugging me, though.  But I love her and I want her to be happy.

‘Gold and Silver’ – All About Eve

Since I got home I’ve begun to have negative feelings about her; like she’s messing me about.  I should just walk out of her life; I should have done that today.  I know she wanted to do the same, but couldn’t. 

She rang tonight and I told her that sooner or later we have got to part company.  Really – and I know she agrees with this – there’s actually no point in us getting too attached if I’m leaving college in May/June.  I told her I know ho much she likes Barry and I also told her that I think she’s pissed me about and

Oh god.

I am going to release her.  Now.  In a letter.

Who do I love anyway?

I mean, it’s obvious to anyone who knows me that I have feelings for Lilith and Amy also.  Which is wrong in Fergie’s eyes, even though she has me, Barry and Mickey.

This thing with Fergie ends tomorrow.

It has to.   

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Next time: ‘What Kind of Fool…’

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