The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 18 February 1990

The King of the Castle Remembers


‘Doctor Who: Mood Version’ – Mark Ayres

I am speaking to you from the Purple Haven at BLACKBERRY NARROW.

This is the last day Betty, Freddie, Jack and Chip will be here before moving to their house in the village.  I will remain here for as long as they keep the bungalow.

(Early, 1986)

I suddenly feel full of memories of our life here together since 1985.  The day I arrived for tea with Betty and Freddie for the first time since her split from George.  Then my arrival with Make-Up, from Yorkshire.  He and I would lie outside in the yard, beneath the stars, listening to Kate Bush and Propaganda.  That was when I met Beatrice and fell in love and … Well, we all know the endless tragedy of that.  The beautiful Wasp cycles have been interesting.

(Late 1985)

There are a lot of poignant ad/or pathetic memories here. 

I remember:

My cousin Martin’s stay here, when I lived in the caravan, briefly, and the controversy he caused when he found £85 in a phone box.

Spending a lot of time in that caravan, finding a surprising sexual desire for Paula.

Concreting a waste-pipe into the caravan and inscribing it with ‘DGThe Situation Corporation 1986RW’.  I remember walking from here to the bus stop in the village to tart my first day of college

Sunbathing on the front lawn whilst listening to Sigue Sigue Sputnik.

Naomi Bell and I watching horror films, drinking hot orange and having yoghurt sex.


Flash and I having walked from King’s Lynn in the pouring rain and darkness, being ‘electrocuted’ by the caravan door and trying to make cheese sandwiches inside it with no power to see.

Running outside, naked, with Flash one night. 

Being outside in the storm with Flash. 

Listening to my Marilyn Monroe LP on the front lawn. 

Kat and I out walking, kissing, and undressing.  Rampaging outside with Ash and Legs and a ghetto blaster at about 1am.

Getting off with Paula in the bathroom and looking at her vagina in there. 

Bathing and talking to Kat as Flash cooked dinner. 

Dropping Julian Ward in the bath during my party.

Making ‘babber creams’ in the kitchen with Flash on his first visit (‘babber creams’ were ‘shit chocolates’ we made out of Marmite, Soya Sauce, Oxo, and Peanut Butter and anything brown). 

Freddie and I having our first fight in the kitchen during our early ‘difficult period’. 

Talking to Natalia in the kitchen too, as I made cups of tea and Flash and I stood in there at Christmas time discussing Season 25 of DW

Cooking lots with Legs.

Building the bedroom extension with Freddie. 

My first night living here, sleeping on the lounge floor with Make-Up. 

Building the patio doors with Freddie.

Flash eating a quick dinner the day after Naomi Bell’s ‘18th’ weekend.

Eating lasagne with Donna Davidson.

Playing with my STAR WARS figures with Flash and Kat.

Watching the Pilot Episode of DOCTOR WHO with Spock.

The Christmas tree on the pink, shiny floor in front of the French doors.

Getting off with Paula on the sofa.

Hazel Church’s visit and Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence.

The chimney catching fire.

Naomi Bell meeting my family.

Kat and Flash being here for a week.

Making love to Justine in front of the fire.

Wendy, Legs and Ash’s various visits.

Watching Seasons 25 and 26 of DOCTOR WHO.

Danny and Emma visiting.

My amazing party.

Seeing Chip for the first time.

Decorating the blue room.

Finishing with BMW over the phone.

Sexual games with Paula on the blue room bed.

Flash visiting and us trying on dresses.

Watching Season 24 of DOCTOR WHO on Jack’s telly.

Flash dipping his willy in a cup of tea.

Stan’s visits.

Naked with BMW on the bed.

Visits from: Kat (oral sex on the bedroom floor); Flash (summer and Xmas fun); Justine (spanking her on my bed); Natalia (those kisses); Donna Davidson (and her winter visits); Danny (that silent weekend); Simon Lewis (for Berwin make-up); Emma Goddard (kissing and caressing on the bed).

It’s been a fun 4 and a half years.  Now I bid my family goodbye and head on into the future as lord of the manor…

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]

Next time: ‘Idle Gossip…’

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