RUSSEL ST., KL
‘The Sensual World’ – Kate Bush
I’m at Jonny’s house; alone, because he is presently at the gym.
I’ve just had a day with Larry in Lowestoft dealing with their BTEC course, which was very interesting.
TONIGHT I SHALL SEE LILITH.
But something is going to disappoint me. I can sense it. We’ll either have to go out somewhere CRAP or sit in with Willock, Leighton, Rita and Venus, thereby inhibiting any emotional growth between us. Last time I stayed at least she too claimed to feel inhibited by it and said she much preferred the two of us chatting upstairs in her room.
She’s so wonderful. Her personality is something you have to adjust to, get used to, experience – but if you can ‘unlock’ her and ‘get’ her, then you just love her. She’s kind of ordinary in some ways, aloof in others, and often sombre, but she’s also beautiful. I desire always to be near her.
I’m reading The Hobbit again.
‘Pretty Baby’ – Blondie
When I got to Tagge Road tonight, Lili was attempting to type up some poems to send to the publishers.
She goes in three weeks. And I really don’t want her to.
We agreed that if I saw her again in 10 years (2000AD), then she’d be a changed woman. Nick will have a huge influence on her. Exert his vast influence. Crush her, perhaps…
She must think I’m an extremely boring bastard, though. I don’t say much when I’m with her, but that’s mostly because ‘being there’ is enough. I always feel glad and happy and just soak up the atmosphere. The tranquillity.
‘Song 13’ – Jesus Jones
When I saw Lilith tonight, next to her typewriter and wedged between her bed and the wall, she was so homely-looking. She was clad in her new black leggings (£2.99 from Tracey’s Fashions) and her black jumper.
The coffee we drank this time had the privilege of having milk in it. The others in the house usually drink all her milk, leaving her with nothing.
For tea, she cooked rice with mushrooms, peppers and onions in and we both enjoyed it despite our shared loathing of having to chase those final few grains around your plate when eating with only a fork. We have a lot of little such conversation pieces.
‘Sueisfine’ – My Bloody Valentine
She took her pill later on and told me she was totally fascinated by it: how it was so small but had enough power to change the way her metabolism functions. I must say that I’d never before taken this train of thought and was equally fascinated and impressed by the concept.
(SHE WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN SHE ASKED HER DOC TO PUT HER ON THE PILL. 1ST TIME ROUND HE JUST SAID, ‘YOU CAN’T GO ON IT – GO AWAY + CROSS YOUR LEGS.’)
A while ago, she asked me why marmalade was called marmalade. We both agreed that we had absolutely no idea and joked that the creator of marmalade must have been a Mr or Mrs Marmalade. Perhaps we’ll never know…
Lili also suggested we have a badge each made for when she leaves, with ‘The Groovy Pair’ written on it. Yeah, either that or ‘THE GROOVY TWINS’ given that we’re both Geminis…
IN LILITH’S ROOM/BOUDOIR, LISTENING (APPROPRIATELY?) TO IMPERIAL BEDROOM BY ELVIS COSTELLO
‘Beyond Belief’ – Elvis Costello
I sit by candlelight. The jos sticks have long since died.
Lilith has just read my 5pm entry. I didn’t want her to. I suppose.
I feel so content, happy, enlightened, inspired and generally wonderful to be here, in her presence.
I think I love her, but it’s so hard to be able to tell her that.
Ian obviously tried and ultimately made a mockery of their friendship.
I do love her. Infinitely. For what she is and what she does to me. I wanted to say, to tell her, but I don’t believe I can now. It’d be a pointless gesture, really. It would be to no avail – and there’s no reason why it should be. I just wish she knew how … shaky… she makes me feel and has done since just before we actually met in December.
‘Tears Before Bedtime’ – Elvis Costello
Since the moment I saw her in the middle of last term, I’ve wanted to get to know her. Now we’ve met, I feel so … akin … to her. She enraptures and entrances me with her multi-dimensional beauty.
I must not make the mistake Ian made. I will accept that friendship is all that we can hope to aspire to. It doesn’t alter my feelings for her, but knowing we can’t ‘go out’ with each other, knowing she has a boyfriend, well it doesn’t make me want to discard her friendship, her companionship.
I only wish life had been different.
If she leaves on the 10th Feb (which intention dictates) then she’ll be gone for good. Gone for ever. I had originally hoped we might be able to stay in touch, but that might destroy the magic and the beauty of this bubble we have found and shared in recent weeks; dilute it. Surely, a watered-down contact would be a pale apparition of what we presently enjoy so very much? Is abnegation the solution?
I should let her be free of me, free to go to Scotland and forget me as I shall never forget her. I shall keep her, hold her, within the boundless realms of my mind, glowing amongst my thoughts like a constant and beautiful flower in a garden of memories.
‘Shabby Doll’ – Elvis Costello
I was so close to tears earlier on. She has been a focus for my life just lately. I wonder if she realises the effect she has had upon me? How much she has grown within me. How much she means to me. But then again, why should she know? It’s my ‘problem’, my infatuation, not hers. Is it?
She is truth and she is beauty. And she is all I need.
I am glad, then, that in my late teenage years, in the year of our lord 1990, I found both beauty and truth. And lost them again so quickly after.
‘May The Sun Shine Bright For You’ – Primal Scream
Lilith has read my last entry. Out of curiosity. She handled it all very well. And after I went to the bathroom and came back, things continued as normal. At least now she knows. But she’s probably quite jarred off about it.
I could close in on myself, like a ball to be kicked from one person to another. And in time I’d lose all feeling. Once kicked, but now discarded.
‘Lovesong’ – The Cure
After Lilith realised what my feelings actually are, she acted quite well and we got on amicably. She got in bed and I got in my makeshift ‘cold wiry floor’ bed (worried, as the pipes had burst and water had been spreading under the carpet of her bedroom floor). We chatted awhile in the dark, glowing under the light of the heater, which I found myself huddling by as The Cure’s ‘LOVESONG’ came on.
She eventually slept as I watched over her, putting more clothes on in the freezing cold. She looked beautiful; calm and fresh, having just washed all her make-up off and exfoliating her face.
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Next time: ‘Butterfly on a wheel…’