The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Wednesday, 10 January 1990

A Third Time Beautiful

‘Kill Surf City’ – Jesus & Mary Chain

Today, I had tea at Jonny Badcock’s and then came down to Tagge Road to see Lilith MacMillan.  She…  She is BEAUTIFUL, totally BEAUTIFUL, INSIDE and OUT.

When I arrived, she was cooking her tea, and we sat and chatted.  It was all a bit vague, though, mostly because we’re not really that well-acquainted with one another.

She was wearing a long, rustic-looking woolly jumper and a short tassly skirt (belonging to Fliz, her gothic friend from Dereham).  On her legs she wore her usual thick, black tights.  She says she rarely wears short skirts as her knees ‘turn in’ and she feels silly.  I think she looks good.

I showed her some of my old ‘goth’ photos (she expressed an interest last time) and she showed me some of the poetry I’d suspected her of writing.  And it was good.  The poems are mostly experience-based and, honestly, fantastic.  She would love to be a recognised and acclaimed poet.  I hope she succeeds in that ambition.

I really like her.  And that’s bad…

After the poetry and a cup of coffee, we went down to Fliz’s lodgings to meet up with Fliz and Jara and another of their number.  We all went into King’s Lynn.

‘Nasty’ – The Damned

Lilith must have taken it on board earlier when I asked her not to ignore me when we were with people I didn’t know because she spent loads of time talking to me.  And that was despite the agony of the underwire in her bra bursting out and needling her in the breasts.  Oh, her breasts.  I’m thinking back to the windowlit silhouette I saw in December…

In town, we all went and sat in The Eagle, where Libby was playing DJ for ‘alternative’ night.

At 8.30pm, though, it was time for Lili and I to leave to THE MAJESTIC Cinema to see Stephen King’s PET SEMATARY.

We sat at the front and philosophised in our rudimentary fashion.  But it was spell-binding.  We have similar outlooks and opinions.  It felt so nice.  As if we’d both ‘fall’ from our seats and ‘rise’ to the ceiling of the cinema, so red, and so far above.

The film was excellent and had me variously in tears (about 3 times), scared to hell, and totally disturbed.  I like that, though.  That can happen when you give yourself over to a movie for a couple of hours.

Lili enjoyed it and left the cinema just as scared as me…

She, like me, is a Gemini.  She reckons two Geminis should have a fiery relationship, but neither of us detected fire.  Couldn’t even smell anything smouldering, to be honest.  So much for fires of passion, then…

Her boyfriend, Nick, is a Libran, which figures.  They get on quite well.

Anyway, we walked home to Tagge Road by the dark and spooky route.  Back at the house, we made up my bed and put on the heater.  As I brushed my teeth, she took the liberty of changing into her thick, pink nightdress (given to her by Abby), which she dislikes but it keeps her warm.

‘Ship Building’ – Elvis Costello

By the orange light of the heater, we read for a bit.  I read a little of CARMILLA and she read a bit of ENDERBY.  Afterwards, we listened to Elvis Costello, which was rather good, and talked of life.  She told me all about Nick, her American boyfriend, who lives in Scotland where he’s studying MORAL PHILOSOPHY.  She says she might leave college – at which she feels unready to continue – to go and live with him.  I’ll admit, I was unhappy to hear that.  But, when talking about Nick, it seemed that she wasn’t fully committed to him, not in the true sense: ‘I suppose I love him…’  And, frankly, he sounds like a bit of a dictatorial sort. ; telling her how she should think and be, etc.  She admits that they’re ‘totally unsuited’, so why does she stay with him?  And would they even get any closer in a Scottish future?  I really hope NOT.  Apparently, she stayed with him over a recent weekend and he spent two of the nights out with his friends – and even then she had to pay lodging fees in order to stay with him!

And she’s so damned real.  So true.  So gorgeous.  So beautiful.  So excellent.

‘Silent Spring’ – Primal Scream

‘What motivates you in life?’ I asked. 
‘The fact that it’s there,’ she told me.  ‘The fact that I have to keep on top of it.  Coping with growing older.  Praying I’ll never be blind.  The uniqueness of saying something once, doing something once and never being able to do it again.’

When she said that, I realised that I really do like her.  I was so glad to be there, with her.  I wanted to tell her how much I was feeling for her.  She said I should, but my tongue went dead on me.  I couldn’t even begin to express it.  In many ways, it just seemed so complex.  I felt like Arthur with Fenchurch.  This was the same thing: very cosmic, very universe, very heaven, and very, very Earth.  Not at all 1990, somehow.

But I told her she was beautiful.  And I believe that.  Not just to look at, but the woman inside; the poet.  All the things I can see in her, all the things I have pieced together.  They make her very beautiful. 

When I told her, she was flattered; taken aback. 

‘That’s the second time in my life I’ve been called beautiful,’ she said.  ‘But also the second time this week.’
‘Who else called you beautiful?’ I asked.
‘Nick,’ she said.  ‘Though for different reasons, I expect…’
‘I was sitting naked in front of a fire at the time…’

That humbled me somewhat.  Nick had bested me here.  He had been and seen everything I had desired most of all to be and see. 

I turned and looked at her.

‘Well, here’s a third time: I think you’re beautiful.  Every bit of you.’

She was very flattered.  I told her it was probably a futile thing for me to say, but she assured me that it was not.  I decided not to tell her that I desired her.  It seemed an unwise thing to do.  She told me she wasn’t going to say anything in response in case it came out all wrong.

Still, I went to sleep feeling happy.

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]

Next time: ‘The dead cellar…’

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