The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Monday, 21 August 1989

A Change of Plans


‘Nagasaki Is Yesterday’s Dogend’ – Crass

In conference with my compatriots, it has been decided that Arran might well turn out to be a little too expensive for us poor types.  And so, it seems we may now go off to the Lake District.  Perhaps.  We have yet to find new solutions and stick with them.  But I am looking forward to getting away now, and I am genuinely glad Raquel’s coming.  As long as we can all get along well.  And keep it up for a week or so…

I feel strange.

I feel morbid in all honesty.

I feel as if I want to experience a death.  Yes, it’s creepy, but I want to know what it feels like to feel that loss; to have known someone and then be apart from them for a while, only to return to where they should be, in later life, and discover that they have died in my absence.  It feels perverse to want this, and even more perverse to suspect that this might be one of the most extreme and ultimate ‘feelings’ one could ever experience.  I wonder what it feels like.  Is it a numbness or a stimulation?  Is there even a sexual side-effect in a need to pro-create or something?  I have no idea.  Dark, painful emotions often seem to have a certain … ‘enjoyability’ to them.  I know from my own self-torturing depression in early 1987 that there’s something perversely pleasurable…

God, what the fuck am I on about?

I would HATE the death of a close friend or relative.  I love them all.  I do.  It might sound crass, but it’s true – I love them all.


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Next time: ‘Love beyond measure…’

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