The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Saturday, 22 July 1989

Perception/Possession

‘Grandpa’s Party’ – Monie Love

My perceptions of this whole Beatrice Miranda Wasp thing are all over the place.

Miranda.  She and I had got together.  And then sealed something.  Something that might easily snap everything.

I know I do NOT want a relationship with Miranda.  Not in an emotional sense.  Be that as it may, I do need her.  She means a great deal to me.  But I think going out with her would be to invite arguments, a lack of trust, issues of respect, etc. into our lives.  I just want to make sure we can stay together always now as GOOD FRIENDS.

It’s so horrible to believe, but when I think about it, yes, I realise I am something of a monster.  YES, it’s true: I do want to POSSESS her.  In just the same way I want to POSSESS Flash, I suppose.  Like I need them to be mine.

I have realised these feelings about Flash just lately, because of Raquel.  I realise now that I find myself almost constantly in competition for his love and attention with Raquel.  It’s not a particularly nice realisation, but it is where we are now.  And the advantages Raquel as over me for Flash’s attentions are: a) she is female, b) he can have the full trip with her: friendship, emotional stuff, work and sex with her, c) he lives near her and sees her more than he sees me, d) she is stronger-willed than he. 

I like Raquel, but it feels like a damned cold war when we are all three together.  Only once have I known her to break her own seeming rule of ‘no quarter’ when I have been around.  And I get jealous and angry at the ill-treatment I’ve been handed by her.  Not bad when you consider I see Flash for about three days a month, is it? 

It’s just terrible to feel you’re losing something special; that a person is no longer committed to you when you’re totally committed to them; offering them everything you’ve got; wanting the world to go its beautiful way for them; giving them the love they deserve… 

I don’t know.  Maybe, just maybe the Raquel situation is lessening a little of late.  I hope so.  I hope she lets me in more, cos I do want them to be happy together.  And I do like her.  I just want to feel more secure that the love I bear her is being reciprocated in some way.  I just want to hang out with my mate, Raquel.  That’s all.

That’s Flash, anyway.  But it’s so damned similar with Miranda.  I care for her and regard her very highly, but the Ghost of Mark Dalton keeps hanging around and doesn’t look like it’s going to piss off any time soon.

But I need Miranda.  I need to be part of her life.

Gosh.  I think if I was Sauron from The Lord of the Rings, I’d be tempted to use the power of the all-seeing eyes to watch Miranda and Flash all the time.  Perhaps if I were left lonely, deserted and desolate I might even be tempted to destroy the Earth…

YES, I am a monster.  I really am.

And here’s my statement: 
I WANT TO KEEP B. MIRANDA WASP, but without the complications (such as my battered penis).

‘Banned From The Roxy’ – Crass

I worked at the Lorry Yard this morning, and then, this afternoon I went to Peterboro’ with Ash, Mooney, and a bunch of others from The Angel.  The adventure was nice and we visited various record shops, food emporiums, book shops and HOUSE ON THE BORDERLAND.

I came home with quite a few goodies:

Two Doctor Who Files ‘magazines’ (Season One, parts 1 + 2 by John Peel)
Doctor Who – The Nightmare Fair novelisation by Graham Williams

Doctor Who – The Chase novelisation by John Peel

The latest issue of Crisis

A 1974 issue of US Marvel’s Planet of the Apes monthly magazine

12-inch of Eardrum Buzz (live)’ by Wire


Tonight, after the pub, lots of us Angel types got together with cars and drove to Barnes Bysea.  Miranda drove me, Ash, Alice, and Mooney.  And the Australian girls drove the others, among whom was Legs.  In Barnes Bysea, we ate burgers + hot dogs and went down to the seafront…


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Next time: ‘She cried and she cried and she cried…’

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