The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 11 June 1989

My 19th Birthday


Birthday 1989

 

DAY’S END

 

‘Spirit of the Forest’ – Spirit of the Forest



 

It’s an understanding of the world, of life, of ourselves, that we all desire.  I say this, but is it actually true?

 

ON THE PERIPHERY OF MY VISION, JUST ONE STEP OUTSIDE MY MIND, HANGING ON THE FRINGES OF EVERYTHING I TAKE AS ‘FACT’, SOMETHING LURKS, WAITS, JUST OUT OF REACH.  I NEED IT.  GIVE IT TO ME.  I’M SURE IT’S PURE MADNESS, BUT IT’S ALSO THE TRUTH AND SOMETHING I NEED.  SO WHY ISN’T IT MINE?

 

IT’S THERE.  GRASP IT.  I WANT IT!  I WANT IT!  I WANT IT!

 

AND SO IT RISES AND MOVES OFF ELSEWHERE…

 

WILL IT EVER BE MINE?  I SEE IT.  LIKE A BLACK DOT.

 

LET IT GO.

 

WAIT.

 

STRENGTH.

 

PATIENCE.

 

PATIENCE.

 

GIVE MYSELF OVER.

 

I LOVE THIS.

 

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.

 

What is and what will ever be?

 

I worry about China.  I worry that they’ll have a civil war.  Worry that it’ll move into Hong Kong, ‘OUR’ colony.  Worry that we’ll get involved.  Worry that the US would side with us and that the USSR would side with them.  Worry that a vast war might ensue.

 

WARGASM on planet Earth.  Pillaged, plundered (and viciously raped) Mother Earth.

 

Help me.

 

I’m crying.

 

This Earth is our home, our life.  Why are we so violent and primitive and selfish and greedy and stupid?

 

Help the Earth.  Help her.  Help us.

 

I’m crying.  Alone, in my friend’s house, empty.  I’m empty, too.  An empty shell as a weary 19 years rushes by.  How am I here?  How am I here now?  Where was I before?

 

I am alone, in a friend’s home.  On my 19th birthday.  I am suddenly here and now.  Present and alone.  Emptier than I’ve ever been.

 

I have so much to give.  It must be given.  But how can I become part of the bigger plan?  Ha, why am I NOT the plan itself?

 

I feel so lost and confused.  I am an idiot, I know nothing and I am a fool.

 

I’ll never know the truth.  About anything.  Truth is man-made, subjective to man.  A fabrication.

 

I live a lie in a world of lies.

 

Later:

 

‘Hi, Mr Logan’ – Baby Ford



 

My birthday has been loathsome.  It has been the worst birthday of my life; not because I’m not enjoying myself at Flash’s, I am, but… it’s been so horrible for a birthday.  I am here all on my own.  He knew I was coming, but he’s spending the evening at Raquel’s.  And I’m sick of all this ‘Raquel giving Flash jyp because she’s jealous of his friendship with Ritcherd’ business.  It sets me on edge + makes me feel like a piece of shit – especially as she made him go and be with her, knowing full well I’m visiting and IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

 

I’ve had to stay behind and make sure all the doors are locked up.  For all I know, Gerry probably didn’t take a key out (maybe Flash didn’t either).

 

It wasn’t at all nice of you, Raquel.  I have to say that.

 





 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘New words from Emma…’

No comments:

Post a Comment