‘Ahead’ – Wire
The wandering chill of winter roams the countryside this morning. The town is like an empty film lot; the river is bleak mud; trees are falling by the roadside.
It’s starting to rain.
Oh. Now it’s absolutely throwing it down.
WHY DID I MISS MY BUS?
I’ll have to get into College late.
I was going to perform a sketch at the COMIC RELIEF REVUE tonight, but I can’t because I have nowhere to stay afterwards. And no one wants to do the bloody thing with me, either.
‘Wheel of Evil’ - In Tua Nua
I finally caught my bus today, but the weather was hell. The sky, which had been earlier responsible for cultivating the most wonderful sunrise, greyed itself into something meagre that went on to tense its misty muscles until it finally transformed itself into some spitting, shaking and entirely vast black weather ogre. The ogre didn’t smile too kindly upon me, either.
In College, I saw Emma at last, but it seemed we had little or nothing to say to each other. I felt extremely guilty about this, because I had LOADS to talk about with my friends…
Julian mentioned the possibility of us two going to see Jon Pertwee in Doctor Who – The Ultimate Adventure in London, so I found myself admitting that I wouldn’t be able to take part in his COMIC RELIEF REVUE, which is something else to feel guilty about.
As I went off for a quick word with Danny, Emma + TS1 went to rehearse their revue sketches. When Danny went off to his lesson, I began to turn over some thoughts…
I hate myself sometimes. I’m so feeble, pitiful and downright pathetic. Look at past entries and see the millions of girls I have wanted to spend time with. Have I really been practical when it comes to my emotions? Sensible? You must all think, ‘Here we go again…’, as I’ve said before, and I bet none of you are surprised when it all comes to the crunch and I suddenly want out.
I’m so thick and crap sometimes.
Yes, folks! It IS Emma I’m on about here. That’s my problem.
‘Some Kind Of Stranger’ – The Sisters Of Mercy
I was so attracted to her. But now? Well, I still like her for her self-confidence, her counterpointing naivety (sorry, ‘naïve-teh’, with emphasis on the two dots above the ‘i’), her warm personality and her sensible (dare I say ‘safe’) approach to life. I guess I thought she would be a calming influence on me, someone who would build stability within me… Someone I could work with and share ideas with, etc. But I have found, very much to my own deep sadness, that this is not so. AND WHY? Well, I find that we are going nowhere because, frankly, I made a mistake: I don’t desire ‘stability’, ‘sensibility’ or ‘security’ – not to the point of sheer boredom, at least.
She’s nice – she’s fantastic – but there is a gap between us. I am wilder and much more forthright. I am … ‘fuller’. I am the one with the gags, the one who wants to hang out with everybody, the one who wants to be just plain silly sometimes. But she seems to want me by her side continuously, when I do have quite a tendency to just want to play with my friends. We just seem to have this … ‘relationship’. There’s no bouncing around of ideas, there’s no mad laughter… It’s a good ‘friendship, I think. But that’s all it seems to be. I’m not cut out for a ‘relationship’ of this kind. In fact, I think the only kind for me would REALLY be the kind of friendship I have with Flash, but with a beautiful girl and added love, all mixed in a big pot.
To my mind, Emma + I have no future together. I am too much of a ‘wanderer’ for her + she is quite stable + sort of … I dunno … homely?
So, today, I wanted to tell her we should leave it. But I don’t want to hurt her. So I didn’t.
It will happen sooner or later.
She deserves someone better than me. Maybe someone like Julian Ward. He’s much more her type than me, and they’ve got a fabulous friendship there.
In the College Library, I saw Nyall Watson + we spoke beautifully + pleasantly for a while about TOLKIEN and STAR WARS, and he will be taking my Marvel STAR WARS WEEKLY collection off my hands, hopefully at some point in the near future. He’s not a bad bloke when he’s being nice + he seems rather more secure + happy these days. He was a pleasure to speak with. He seems to more or less know who he is now, so a lot of the puffed-up pride has gone.
Back in the Common Room, I finally saw the quite beautiful Maggie and showed her some photographs (rather inadequate ones that failed to fully display my former GOTHICITY – have I got any good photos?). Emma came in + all I could think was ‘ARGH! GO AWAY! DON’T SPOIL MY TIME WITH MAGGIE!’ Alas, it was Maggie that went away, wishing me a ‘Happy Easter’. I’m afraid she IS going out with Simon now, but ‘them’s the breaks’, and as Simon is my good friend, that’s really as far as I can go, apart from ‘Well done, Simon!’
My No.1: ‘Unzip’ – ABC
This afternoon, I sought out Jonny and he said I should go ahead + finish with Emma.
So I went to Double D (Donna Davidson) for further advice. She had the same advice as Jonny. ‘But I don’t want to hurt Emma!’ I yelled. And I don’t. I really, really don’t – she doesn’t deserve it. At all.
So now I feel stupid + immature, because I wanted to finish with her and found that I couldn’t. When I saw her, I told her I’d meet her at 4pm-ish, but I couldn’t find her and had to get my bus before they went. I felt EXTREMELY guilty then. I mean, I’ve been a little off-ish + quiet with her in recent days – what am I putting the poor girl through?
‘It’s not fair on her if I finish it,’ I cry.
Donna replies, ‘It’s not fair on you to go out with someone when you don’t want to.’
A predictable quandary that you all saw coming, didn’t you, readers? You all knew it. Didn’t you?
Donna was so nice.
But Emma, this is killing my head.
Flash, I know you won’t be having the kind of troubles I’m having with Emma. I do hope Raquel has finished with her bloke. It will be bliss for you, I know it will. Well done. I hope. Fingers crossed, eh?
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Next time: ‘Natalia Day…’