The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Friday, 10 March 1989

Comic Relief 1989




‘Help’ – Bananarama


What a satisfying day.


COMIC RELIEF is on TV and I’m proud to say that THE SITUATION have done their ‘bit’ for charity. 


Berwin Groomstool took my place in college today + helped the Drama Dept. raise money.  He was personally involved in the accumulation of £25.  He was helped by, amongst others, Bungle (his butler) + Ula Wam Baba.


LIST: Making up.  Out.  Pestering.  Taping.  Suicide plans.  Showing off.  Common Room.  Girls.  Remarks.  Burtons.  Town.  Guitar.  Dancing.  Bucket.  Money.  Revue.  Live single.  Suicide cancelled.  Hanging Wam Baba.





Just found Matt Cuthbertson’s phone number.



Late, 11.55pm


‘Raining Champagne’ – Fuzzbox


Dearest Diary, I have much to tell you.


Today, I stayed in bed all day.  That said, Berwin Groomstool popped ‘round at 6am with Bungle his assistant + spent 45 minutes to an hour getting ready to go to College.  Berwin said he was going in for Comic Relief and I asked him why.  After various attempts on my life, he told me he’d forgotten to ‘sign on’ on yesterday + therefore needed the cash.  ‘I ain’t got me GEERO, so’s ah’ll atta do this charity shayue and pocket the wonga.  Julian Ward said he’d gimme 50 cheap pee for it…’


So Berwin + Bangle set off (my friends told me all this) and all Berwin heard from passing cars was, ‘What the fucking hell’s wrong with your face?!’  Berwin replied in the following manner: ‘I’ve been caltchering it o’er the years.  I’ve got me mam’s flooks!’


Berwin arrived at college + scared all the girls by storming around the corridors furiously waggling his brolly.  He went straight to the Drama Studio, put on his new single + viciously danced to it as various students came in to watch.  He took the piss out of the blokes + tried to fondle all the gurls, and when his STOOLGIRLS came on, wearing their official Berwin badges, they fondled him a lot + he stuck his tongue out at their hips + thighs a great deal.


After this, he proceeded to visit the shops (quite often, apparently) and then burst in on a Make-Up lesson, making a total nuisance of himself.  He generally ‘showed off’ all over College, being abusive and trying to be cool + hard.


He then made some posters advertising his ‘Sponsored Suicide’, scheduled for 3pm, whereby he would throw himself off the third floor of the Library Block + die, if sufficiently sponsored.


In the Common Room, he pestered all the gurls, describing his privates, and showed people his ‘red toeses’ for Red Toes Day.  Basically, Comic Relief red noses worn on the ends of his winkle pickers.  Then he hassled more gurls in the lifts.  Throughout the day he would stand right against the lift doors so he would be in the way of people when they opened, all intimidating and troublesome.


‘Have A Nice Day’ – S’xpress


At 11am, he went to BURTONS and watched the Drama students dance + perform in the streets.  At one point, he did the Time Warp with Josh Wilde + put all the others to shame with his swirly ‘60s grooving.  He was invited to make a speech, but deemed it inappropriate as there weren’t enough people listening.  Instead, he went off to drink some ‘gurly flahger’ (stolen from a student), fondled his Stoolgirls and then beat up a member of the Students’ Union for daring to say ‘Hello’.  Vicious, it was too.


Then Marco came along + Berwin was asked to go busk with him outside BOOTS.  Now, Marco can’t play, and besides, the guitar had but three strings…  Tracey joined in and Berwin pulled in his Stoolgirls, added to which, Berwin’s mate ULA WAM BABA had just arrived.  So they sang He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands, which eventually mutated into BERWIN’S GOT US ALL IN HIS HANDS!


They all made a fair few pennies, then Berwin, Ula and the Stoolgirls reported to BURTONS once again + obtained a bucket which gave them licence to pester the townsfolk of King’s Lynn for cash.  During this passive extortion, Ula was threatened by a genuine, idiotic yob, so Berwin ran up to the threatener and told him to ‘FECK!’


To Berwin’s shock, one woman gave him a tenner for the bucket.  He was so thrilled, he ran up to another potential customer and threatened, ‘Oi!  Give us famooney or see this brolly?  Guess where it’ll be off if thy dunt?  Sideways!’


All in all, Berwin and his gang made about £25.


Berwin then returned to College for a Chickens’ Bollox Pie.  He also pestered more people + chatted up a ‘bird’ in the lift by singing ‘Save thy flav, my darling, save thy flav’ to her.


‘Mr Magnetism Himself’ – Bill Nelson


At 12.30pm, he helped the Drama students with their COMIC RELIEF REVUE, which was organised by Julian Ward.  Berwin, Ula + a Stoolgirl performed a really crap + pathetic dance/mime/effort to his new single (Mr. Berwin Groomstool’s Mule).  It was totally crap.  But what more can one expect from Mr Berwin Groomstool?


He then went off to take more piss until, at 2pm, he attended the BTEC Performing Arts tutorial in my place.  Needless to say, his one-man Farting Competition caused some uproar, as did his pulling faces and singing as Mr Goodgirl tried to speak.  Larry then asked the students to write on a bit of paper what they’d like to achieve next term.


Berwin wrote:


Fight Mike Tyson

Go to bed with Jodie Ratcliffe

Sponsored suicide

Eat a big pie


All very ambitious, I’m sure you’ll agree.


‘The Race’ – Yello


Unfortunately, Berwin was brought low by the Deputy Principal who told him he wasn’t allowed to stage his Sponsored Suicide, as Berwin’s ‘fame, beauty + sheer brilliance’ (to quote Berwin) may upset some pupils and possibly also influence others to do the same (!).  Berwin conceded, but ten minutes later, Ula Wam Baba hung himself in the Common Room for all to see.


During this suicide, one student shouted at Ula, ‘You fucking gay bastard!’

So Berwin shouted, ‘What did you say?’

‘Him,’ said the student.  ‘He’s a gay, bent bastard!’

Berwin walked up to the student and said. ‘Don’t be so fucking homophobic, or your nose’ll be bent when I wrap this bastard brolly around it.’

End of altercation.


Ula didn’t die.  As with Berwin’s intended suicide – it was all a trick!  A joke!  As was hanging Kenneth Farnham by his waist and leaving him suspended there.  For the afternoon.


Berwin spent the rest of Kenneth’s agony chatting to students + being a real gittish bastard.  At one point he even beat up Jonny and tried to snog him – IN THE STREET!  And once again, he plugged + played his new single to a private audience.


‘International Rescue’ – Fuzzbox


Following his bus journey back to Wisbech, he peeled some skin from his chin and walked through town where people called him a ‘You twat’ and a ‘What the fuck’s up with his face?’  At one point, he rounded a corner an totally scared the shit out of one girl.  ‘What’s up?’ he asked her.  ‘Has thy never seen an umbrolly befooer?’


There was much cat-calling + it seems he’s not too popular with everyone.


He was last glimpsed on a racing bike in the pissing down rain, cycling alongside the river, singing Help! extremely oudly.  It has also been alleged he was yelling at himself and actually started a fight with his Racer.


What a queer + weird fellow!


National Berwin Groomstool Day was a Situation production, brought to you by R Winterfood, S Lewis, B Groomstool and D Gordon.


Shit on me… TODAY.



[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]


Next time: ‘Another Natalia Moment…’

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