The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Tuesday, 19 July 1988

Performing Arts Interview


It’s 9pm.

 

Play Dead are on the STEREO with ‘Bloodstains Pleasure’.

 



 

I am sunburnt.  It hurts me.  OW!  OW!  OW!

 

Hey look, it’s DYONNY PARTWY, with his sheepskin hair and sidies!


 

Who’ve you been hanging around with, Dyonny?

 


DYONNY:           

I’ve been thpending time with Dyo Grant, Lith Thyaw, Thaira Dyane Thmith, Lethbridth Thtewart, Tharjent Benthon, Mike Yaytth, The Marthter, the Acthonth and the Autonth.

 

‘Unbeatabix/Bran Flakes’– A Short Commercial Break



I now tidy THE PURPLE HAVEN for THE COMING OF MY BEST MATE

FLAYESH!

 

AND WHAT OF THE ROBBERS?

 

‘Back Door Man’ – The Doors



 

Oh my god, on my new The Whip LP, there’s this song by Slave Drive, and you’ll never guess who they are – they’re sodding Meat Of Youth!!!  And The Venomettes play on the Andi Sexgang/Marc Almond track! 


SHOCKIN’ HELL!

 

Ooh.  Did I tell you I’d finished Ian Marter’s THE DONIMATORS, and it was ‘GOOD’. 

 

I’ve also finished Terrance Dicks THE CLAWS OF ACTHOTH, and it was ‘COULD BE BETTER’.


 

Right now, I’m halfway thru’ Malcolm Hulke’s THE COLONY IN SPACE.


I mean, THE DOOMSDAY WEAPON.

 

‘America’ – Throwing Muses



 

THROWING MUSES ARE ON!  THEY’RE RIGHT GOOD!

 

 

 

OH LOOK, IT’S BERWIN.  HELLO, BERWIN.

 

HALLOO!  EY EP, FRITCHERD.  AR-YA-DUING, FLAD?  AR-YA-DUING?

 

ALRIGHT.  HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING?

 

AYE.  THAT’S RAIGHT.  I’VE BOUGHT A DOG.

 

WHAT FOR?

 

SO I CAN KILL PEOPLE IF THEY HIT ME.

 

YOU WHAT?  OH MY GOD!  WHY DID YOU BUY THAT ORANGE BEETLE CAR?

 

TO FRAN PEOPLE O’ER WI, SEE?!

 

WHAT’S IT SAY ON THE BONNET?  ‘GET UNDER ME WHEELS!’…  YOU’RE MAD.

 

AYE.  THAT’S RAIGHT.  BAT I’M RAIGHT SKILL ‘N’ ALL.

 

WHY DID YOU BUY THAT KNIFE AND FORK?

 

TO KILL KIDS WITH.

 

WHAT’S THAT?

 

A BOMB.  A TEEM BAMB.

 

WHAT FOR?  MORE SENSELESS MURDER?!

 

NO, TO PUT UNDER ME PILLOW TO WAKE ME EP.

 

YOU’RE WANKERS IN THE HEAD.  YOU’RE A PUFF, BERWIN!

 

YOU WHAT?  WHAT YER SAY?  WHAT YER CALL ME THEN?  EH?  EH?

YOU SPILT ME PINT!  DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MAM LEEK THAT! 

COME HERE ‘N’ SAY IT.  COME ON.  YOU WANNA FAIGHT, EH?  

WANNA FAIGHT?  COS I’LL HAVE THEE ONE.  COME ON. 

I’LL HAVE YER A SCRAP.  YOU GIT.  I CAN FAIGHT YOU EASY. 

I CAN FAIGHT YOU WI’ BOTH HANDS TEED BEHEENDS ME BACK. 

AND ME LEGS.  AND ME HEE-HARSE.  AND ME NOSE.  AND ME FWEELEH.

COME ON.  CHICKEN.  YOU BASTARD CHICKEN!  YOU FRIGGING BAMBOY! 

 

(PAUSES)

 

HAH!  YOU JUST A PACKET OF BOIL IN THE BAG SHAIGHT!  YOU’S LOTS NOT WORTH’T’ EFFORT.  YOU’RE A WASTE O’ TIME.  I WUNT DARE WASTE ME HENERGY KNACKING THEE.  AH WUNT.  YOU’RE JUST A SKID ON STEN’S PANTS.  EH?  WHAT?  COME ON, IF YOU’RE MAN ENOUGH!  IF YOU’RE BIG ENOUGH!  YOU DUNT KNOW WHAT YOU’D BE TEKKIN’ ON!  YOU-FUCK-IN-DUNT!  COME ON THEN, IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH!  IF-YOU-THINK-YOU’RE-HAY-HARD-EN-OUGH!  YOU JUST DUNT KNO’ WHAT Y’U’D  BE IN FOH!  YOU DUNT!  COME ON THEN, MEK SUMMAT ON IT.  JAST TREE.  I’LL KILL THEE.  I’M WEELD, ME.  I’M TAFF.  YOU COWARD!

 

(UNCERTAIN PAUSE)

 

EH?  EH?  AARGH!  SHAIT!  EH!  HEY, STOPPIT!  URF!  ARGH!  NOOO!  PLEASE DANT HIT ME.  PAT ME DARN.  ENHAND ME, YOU PAFF.  NOO.  ARGH!  NO, PLEASE!  OH PLEASE!  DON’T HIT ME!  NO.  OWCH!  STOP!  PLEASE!  DON’T TACH WHAT YOU CAN’T AFFOOOARD!

The END!

 

 

Later:

 

‘Watch That Man’ – David Bowie



 

I didn’t really tell you, but during what I am now beginning to perceive as ‘this summer holiday’, during my period of heavy labour, loading lorries, I visited former A-level tutor Larry Goodgirl with a view to finding out more – and perhaps enrolling – on the new BTEC PERFORMING ARTS course at my virtual home-from-home, the NORFOLK COLLEGE OF ARTS + TECHNOLOGY.  I began pushing my parents to let me enrol, as I believe this course might be beneficial to my hopes of becoming a theatre director.

 

Larry outlined the course in some detail, and it impressed me very much.  And even though he was in the middle of rehearsals for his production of CARRIE (‘First the blood, then the boys…’) for the Edinburgh Festival, he took the time to explain that the first project I would be involved, if I enrol, is a production of Shakespeare’s Macbeth.  This show, he indicated, would involve and encompass contributions from the entire collection of College Drama pupils, and would be produced, created + staged principally by the students involved, with only advice and guidance offered from the Drama Department.

 

Unfortunately, Mr Goodgirl neglected to hand me the preparatory ‘pink sheet’, so I’ll have to chase him up on that…

 

Later:

 

‘Just Call Me Sky’ – Naz Nomad & the Nightmares



 

Tonite, Kat rang.  Very briefly.  Apparently Willock is staying over there tonite and she rang me secretly while supposedly ‘at the toilet’.

 

FOLLOWING THE EVENTS OF SATURDAY/SUNDAY, she wants me more than ever, more than anything, anything in the WORLD.  She can’t wait for Saturday.

 

And tomorrow, she’s seeing LARRY GOODGIRL for a BTEC interview.  Officially, there are no interviews until AUGUST, but KAT quite sensibly rang LARRY up and told him she’s DESPERATE to do the COURSE and she’d like him to CONSIDER her APPLICATION.  She also told him that she is a good friend of mine and that we are soon to be working on a SCRIPT (hopefully in AUGUST at her place).  So LARRY agreed it would be wise for him to see her tomorrow.

 




 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘Return of the Robbers…’

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