Natalia rang this evening. She’s excellent, and yes, I now find it very safe to openly say this in my diary:
WITHOUT TRYING TO DEMEAN NATALIA AS A PERSON OR ANYTHING CRASS LIKE THAT, I ADMIT THAT EVER SINCE THE MISH GIG I HAVE OFTEN IMAGINED WHAT IT MIGHT BE LIKE TO MAKE LOVE TO HER. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT HER BODY, AND WHAT SHE MIGHT LOOK LIKE NAKED. I HAVE IMAGINED MY HANDS AND TONGUE UPON HER, AND HERS UPON ME. I HAVE WONDERED WHAT IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE TO BE INSIDE HER. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT OFTEN – AND I PARTICULARLY FELT IT LAST THURSDAY AT BLOSSOMS.
Why am I saying this now? Why so blatantly? Well, I’ve reached the point with Nat where I’d best start being up front about my feelings, so there’s no confusion and no reliance upon reading between the lines when she reads or hears me read what’s been written in my diary. I’d best start saying what I really feel:
I AM SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER, AND LAST THURSDAY I WANTED NOT JUST TO TOUCH AND KISS HER, BUT MAKE LOVE TO HER, TO GO DOWN ON HER.
…the purity of my love for her remains. I don’t know if we will ever make love. After all, she is still going out with Mark, and I think she should be the one to give me the all-clear. What will be, will be. I accept that. But I hope we will make love. ONE DAY. For now, I shall continue to let the Universe happen around me.
Nat’s call was great. We seem to have been more aware of each other’s feelings + seemed even closer by the end of the call. We spoke more freely of LOVE and this developed into talk of SEX and our FUTURE.
I will take that flashing chance at bliss if you will permit me, Natalia.
I LOVE YOU.
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Next time: ‘The Final Death of Jez…’