‘Riders On The Storm’ – The Doors
Natalia Wnek writes:
I feel as if I’m running to catch up with you, but you’re not waiting – you’re running faster, away from me. I’ve lost control, you’re slipping away and I feel helpless. Don’t go – I don’t want to lose you yet.
I ask this question not for reasons you might at first think. I don’t really know myself – probably so I can understand you at the moment. Concerning Belinda: Are you in love?
Tonight has made me desperate. Before, I enjoyed getting to know you better – it was exciting. Now I’m scared. I desperately want to become very close to you. Do you feel the same? Do you want me to allow you to be alone first, to access and conclude your feelings?
What are you writing in my diary right now? Is it true? Pure? Honest? I’m not insecure – not within myself, about myself – just about other people and their feelings towards me. Sometimes when you tell me how I am to you, I am speechless. I can’t believe it. I need to know I won’t lose you.
THAT WAS NAT.
OH GOD. I WISH SHE’D UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I DEARLY LOVE HER!
MISCELLANEOUS: FLASH … C’EST LA VIE! … THE BAND … DOCTOR WHO … COLLEGE 88 – 90? … END OF COURT CASE … CARD FROM BELINDA … THE PRISONER … MOST OF ALL:
NATALIA… AT HER PLACE TONITE…
I LOVE HER BEYOND ALL OTHERS.
I NEED HER.
She rang me on today and invited me to her place. I was over the moon. She and her mum picked me up from the hallowed halls of BLACKBERRY NARROW and took me to the beautiful world of BLOSSOMS in Outwell. Her mum’s really nice, and at BLOSSOMS, Natalia and I indulged in apple juice, biscuits, chocolates and an episode of Neighbours.
It felt so beautiful to be there with her, to have her there. I felt a real security – more security than I’d felt when she came here. We sat, and I read my diary to her and talked about recent pasts. Then we sat and bitched each other off in a false, joking way, but I think I’d obviously stirred up some tension. I felt guilty and hurt when she called me ‘Daddy!’ at one point. I felt sad about Suzi and upset that Nat could be so cruel. I got quiet for a bit, but I LOVE HER. She just gave me some perspective and made me realise the state my life had been in. It’s not that I was offended, Nat. Just, hearing it from you gave me a bit of a jolt and helped me focus on my mental visions.
Anyway. It was another one of those wonderful times + our closeness of being was beyond compare.
We sat and chatted, and I still wanted to touch her, KISS her. The desire grew to fire within me, but I did not dare. I still dare not. She is my goddess. She is on a pedestal. If she said ‘Jump!’ I would. I need to be with her. We are one and the same. We are the beautiful twins, the best of friends, the Soul Sisters. Right now, she is my Ultimate Goal in life. By that, I mean that my only need in this reality is she. My final destination is Natalia Wnek. I would love to see this pure friendship blossom into beautiful love. And, yes, it DOES scare me. I’m terrified. But if all of this was to stay as beautiful as I have glimpsed, then I would be content. Natalia Wnek is the only person in the world for me. Beyond her, there is no one. I live constantly in her shadow.
I vow that one day she will be mine.
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Next time: ‘1993…’