The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 15 May 1988

The (Crap) Dr Who Monster Gallery



‘The Crystal Ship’ – The Doors


I dreamt about an All About Eve gig, last nite.  I was actually trying to reach a Mission gig, because I knew I’d find Natalia there, waiting for me.


Maybe Nat has written to me again.  I bet she’s wondering why I haven’t replied.  I hope she has.


How I wish I could see her.  It’ll be next week before I see her.  Perhaps touch her.  And express more than we have ever done before.  And that would be an achievement. 


I will write to her, but…  I’ve tried already and words have failed me. 


My feelings are doing the talking…


When she sent the Desert Vision I felt so unworthy.  I became feeble.  I’ll…


Oh, I need to see her, vent my feelings.  We will have to be together.  This separation time is too long.  I need to see her. 


I will ring her.


‘The Last Ray’ – This Mortal Coil


Then there’s Suzi. 


It’s different feelings for Suzi.  I’m dying to see her.  But the feelings do not match my feelings for Nat. 


I won’t say, ‘Oh, I’d better finish with Suzi for Nat’, because I’m not sure how the feelings are present.  I can’t really tell how different these two sets of feelings are.  But I know they are different.


I think Suzi is… beautiful.  And our emotions last Saturday nite…  I cannot explain this feeling.  I feel so emotionally ‘close’ to her.  Intertwined.  But maybe only physically.  And I want to be with her, but what does she feel?  She says I’m great and that she loves me, etc.  But I expect her feelings are nothing as near as intense as mine for her.


‘Fond Affections’ – This Mortal Coil


I feel so close – physically and astrally – to Nat.  I feel it with my soul.  I then turn into a guilty man, because Suzi has heard me describe Nat as ‘my soul-sister’ – only once and very briefly – but I have never mentioned Suzi to Nat.  What is more, I have no real urge to discuss one with the other.  And by the same token, I feel that I am being deceptive.  Logically, I’m doing nothing wrong.  Why cannot I have two separate sets of feeling for two different people?  I mean, they both know of Flash and they both know I probably love him more than anyone else on Earth.  So what’s stopping me from being open with them?  Maybe it’s my fear of two beautifully separate worlds coming together.




Does anyone understand?  I feel lots of sexual attraction to Suzi, which is what led to us meeting – and that sexual attraction still exists.  I got to know Natalia because when we met I instantly liked her.  Nat interested me, and, yes, it would be true to say I had physical/sexual feelings for her, but since last week I find I love her ‘purely’ – like she’s a long missing part of myself. 

[Yes – Natalia, ‘88]

She is very beautiful to my eyes, but also a valuable spirit with whom I shall one day be united – if not whilst I’m alive, then certainly in the world beyond death.  She, to me, is inspiration and hope.  She is a part of me, an immense column that holds up my soul.  Very really, she is my real love, my purest feelings and my dearest friend.  She is my true, true love at last. 

[Likewise – Natalia, ‘88]

I can’t adequately express what Natalia is to me.


What am I trying to say, Flash?


‘Barramundi’ – This Mortal Coil


I shall read this to you, Nat.  But not Suzi.  I want to read this to you, Natalia.  We are one.  You’ll understand.  I’ll only show you, Nat.  Never Suzi.


‘That must mean something,’ said my head just then.


I hope Suzi wrote, like she said she would.  I dreamt she hadn’t.


Today we have been great, here at Queen’s Park Drive.


CRAP THIS WEEKEND:  Not much, just cutting my face open when shaving, having no hayre spray, no Suzi and no Nat.  Feeling scruffy.  And it was empty, in a way, without MANDA.  I love MANDA, she’s ACE.  Shame.



THE (crap) DR WHO’S



The thin Crap Daleks (1964)

The vesty Crap Ogrons (1979)

Wobbly Crap Bellal (1924)

Cranium-toppling Crap Davros (Never)

The flarey Crap Cybermen (1964)

The spindly Crap Vogans (1972)

The pincery Crap Ice Warriors (1909)

The gutsy Crap Ice Lords (1866)

Spikey Crap Aggedor (20001)

The dumpy Crap Yeti (Fuck off)

A type of Crap Auton with a hat and a flower (aardo)

The eye-bulging Crap Master (all the time)

An overweight Crap Silurian (1969, baby!)

The parrotty Crap Sea Devils (1904)

The grumpy Crap Sontarans (1066)

The limp-wristed Crap Zarbi (1732)

The beardy Crap Sensorites (Berwin BC)

The simplistic Crap Mechonoids (Greffy!)

The scribbly Crap Axons/and the scribbly Crap Krynoids (naff)

The cornet-headed Crap Daemons (1924)

Roberta ‘My Boy Lollipop’ Tovey (Crap)


Bill Nelson, angel-winged and Cowboy-booted, shoots his crackling, vortexy laser weapon into the sky...

To quote Mr Terry Nation:


SALAMANDER is Raight Cecil Gee.


The Cybermen and Zygons have a fight…


The weekend with Flash has been calm + rather uneventful, save for some creative conversation. 




Tonite, I received a letter from Suzi, containing some photos.  I’ve reproduced it here, but with all the truly appalling spelling and grammar corrected.  On the envelope, addressed to ‘Jez’, it said:


‘Enclosed: bit of my purple thingy, red bit of flower, piece of my purple hippy skirt, disgusting photos, terrible writing on awful paper (careful, utterly useless objects).’




‘Beware Boring Letter’


The letter was indeed full of these things and smelt of the gorgeous Lou Lou perfume that she wears.  Actually, there were two letters.  Here’s the first:


‘Hi Jez –x–


It’s me, Suzi –x– in my own writing. 


I’m bored.  It’s unbelievable. 


I’ve got good news + bad news.  First the bad news (well, sort of): me and Leanne aren’t friends any more.  Good news: I’m not p.g.  I was in a real panic ever since I split up with Adam.


Am I going out with you or is this just a casual fling?


My lipstick’s changed – again?  It’s bizarre!!!!


I ♥ chocolate, cats, rats, tigers, wooden planks, Buddhas, biographies, scarves, ribbons, hair, ears, mouths, sex, clothes, dyeing things weird colours, vegetarians, bisexual people (etc) and soap operas.


I hate meat, Tories, Thatcher, 2-faced people, House Music, kids, old people, religion, the Law, so-called justice, society, hypocrites, dogs, spiders, possessive people, posh gits and black + white films.


Well, ‘That’s very interesting’, you say!!!  Sarcastically does it. 


Shall we go off on hols together??  Coz I’m bored.  And I want a break (NOW).


Oh yeah, by the way, I’ve got absolutely no patience and I’m very stubborn once I get my mind set on a thing.  I’m also very influenced by others.  I ♥ being on my own and hate people doing everything for me.  I’m an exceedingly unstable person and need constant attention or else I end up suicidal.


Well, there you go: the boring facts about me.


By the way, I think you are absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!


Did you know that men with mistresses are more likely to die of heart attacks?  An exceedingly interesting fact, egh? 


I wanna see one of those pics you drew of me.  Please?


Everybody up Norwich is being a right bitch about you, Elf + me.  I really detest Leanne!  I ♥ her mum, though, she’s brilliant!!!!!!!!


It’s only Thursday tomorrow.  I can’t wait until Monday, coz I won’t have seen you for ages!


Well, bye

for now








The second letter goes like this:


‘Dear Jez,


Hi, it’s me.  I’m really happy!  I’ve just phoned you up, as you probably remember!  And if I can get a stamp, I’ll send this tomorrow morning.


I’ve just spent a thrilling hour talking to ANNA (yuk), Pen’s friend.  I’ve been rambling on about you, trying to be friendly. 


Hope you had a brilliant time in Leeds and are not too knackered from seeing your friend!


I really hate writing letters, but I’ve nothing else to do!!


I ♥ your trousers; I think they are absolutely brilliant!!  In fact, at the moment, I’m in a ‘me’ mood and I think everything’s brilliant.  Nothing affects me.  Brilliant!


I’ve just got 3 more pictures of Boy George from one of Pen’s friends!! 


Pen’s gone to a party in my clothes, boots, bangles, makeup + hair, etc.  She looks fine.


I still can’t wait until I can go to see The Sugar Cubes.  If you can’t come in, will you come and get me afterwards, please, hon?????  I’ll love you forever?


Dad says hello.  He’s brilliant, isn’t he?!!!!


I’m going to listen to The Doors now, so I’ll leave you for a mo’ to go to my room.


I ♥ ‘People Are Strange’; it’s brilliant!!!


Well, I’m in a very un-bitchy, un-nasty and very nice mood.  I’m going to send you this letter tomorrow!


I also decided that I ♥ All About Eve and ‘Flowers In Our Hair’, etc.  Brilliant.  I ♥ the words to Mission + All About Eve songs.  And Danielle Dax’s words are brilliant!


I’m listening to ‘Dark Cell’, so I can’t write now as this song is so brilliant – the best ever!  So deep, but uplifting.  Weird!’


Then she writes the lyrics of All About Eve’s ‘Shelter From The Rain’ to me.


Then she lists some of the music she’s got by various bands, including: The Doors, Fields Of The Nephilim, Ghost Dance, Sisters Of Mercy, The Sisterhood, The Mission, Fuzzbox, Rose Of Avalanche, New Model Army and The Cure.  To which she says:


‘Boring, egh?!!  I want some Sex Fiend, the Church, Danielle Dax, Cardiacs, Sugar Cubes, Mighty Lemon Drops, Smiths!  Got any of this stuff?  Or The Shop Assistants??


Dad’s just brought me up a cup of tea + some biscuits.  How cute!!!


Do you like Stump?  Or elephants?  Or penguins?


Well, this is about the longest letter I’ve ever written.  You must be a god, or I must be extremely bored.  Or p’r’aps it’s a combination of both, eh?


You said you wanted a longer letter.


Well, I’ve given you a few dreadful photos of me, like I said I would, but don’t show any of these to anyone – and I want them back, especially the school one, coz that’s rather embarrassing!!!










Her writing (‘writting’) and spelling are awful, but I am dying to see her because she’s extremely sexy.



[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]


Next time: ‘Natalia or Suzi?’

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