The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Tuesday, 17 May 1988

Natalia Writes


Natalia Wnek writes: It won’t end in tears.  Don’t lose the momentum.  Listening to what you have written about me flatters me.  But it goes deeper than that, it’s an immense warmth.  I want to reach out and touch you.  Why can’t I?  I imagine I would tremble.  I share that understanding of being able to detect without words when you’re happy, depressed. 

 

What do you mean ‘if we keep in touch for a long time’?  Of course we will.  I want to, desperately.  This feeling inside me is indescribable.  You are beautiful.  I never dreamt that I would come so close to finding the understanding I have searched so often for in vain.  Sometimes, like now, I’m scared I’ll lose you, that something inside you will change and you won’t feel the same for me.  I believe in you.  I love you.

 

I could continue chasing that elusive word, phrase, song, anything which epitomises what we share; I could continue trying to put it into words for pages, but I’m sure you know.  You feel it too, don’t you?

 

I believe we can grow closer still.  And we will.  But I need your strength; I’m scared.  I can’t do it alone.  I have so much to say – there’s so much I feel.  But there’s no rush.  We have forever.  Yet, still I feel a type of desperation, a fear of…

 

 

Later:

 

‘Song To The Siren’ – This Mortal Coil



 

Today was beautiful. 

 

I got home after a day with Suzi (which seemed pretty ‘heavy’), only to have Betty telling me it would be impossible to pick up Natalia from Outwell.  I didn’t make it hard on her, but went to my room and almost cried, alone and listening to ‘Song To The Siren’.  But then Betty returned and it all turned out to be Hokay.

 

So Betty drove me to Outwell, where I called for Nat and we came back to my simple, purple haven.  It was Nat’s first visit here.  We looked at records and then diaries.  Much was said.  And so much unsaid.  I told her of all my feelings, and she asked me to read about her from my diary entries.  I also told her of Suzi.  So Nat told me about Mark.  But it was still great to know that we feel so much for each other.  Even with partners.

 

‘Kangaroo’ – This Mortal Coil



 

We were like brother + sister, locked in an electric atmosphere of goodness + beauty that will never be rivalled.  We have become such good friends that we are now going to be having regular ‘diary sessions’, just like I do with Flash.

 




 

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Next time: ‘The future…’

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