The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Monday, 16 May 1988

Natalia or Suzi?


9.30am.

AT TECH ON A MONDAY.

 

‘Theme from S-Express’ – S-Express



 

BAD TOOTHACHE.  WISDOM TOOTH.  Oh why?!  I’ve taken some tablets.  Yet too many, I fear.  I feel so… ‘OUT’.  Didn’t sleep last night, either.

 

Oh Suzi is gorgeous – so why’s she in a bad mood today?

 

Everybody hates me, according to her ex. 

 

HA-HA-HA!  HEE-HEE!  What a git!  Who’s he then, eh?  Eh?  Eh?  Crapeyed git!

 

Gotta do my Working Notebooks (for the last year) before the end of the day!  Yo-Ho-Ho!  Hee-Haw!  Ha-Ha!

 

Later:

11.30pm.

 

An All About Eve record has just been on.  I didn’t mind too much!

 

‘Plunder The Tombs’ – Fur Bible



 

Fur Bible are on now.  Oh, Patricia, your guitars are brilliant.

 

WHAT’S HAPPENED TODAY?

 

I got into Tech and sat with Suzi, which was okay.  I had been dying to see her.  So… I saw her.  The atmosphere was so dead.  I was trying to exude so much emotion, and all I got in return was cold.  She was alright, etc, but I reckon she’s incapable of reaching the same emotional wavelength as me.  Like she feels the same as me, but not with the same piquancy.  Does that make sense?

 

I thought a lot of Natalia.  Nat would feel what I feel and in pretty much the same way, I’m sure.  And Nat could read what I was feeling, too, without me ever needing to communicate it.  What I mean is, if Nat and I were present in the same room and I was feeling deadly depressed, but not displaying it, Nat would still know.  She would immediately sense it.  As I expect I would if our roles were reversed.

 

I don’t reckon Nat would have said, ‘Ooh, I don’t like that shirt.  It’s horrible,’ either.  If Nat didn’t like my shirt, I’d expect her to be at least tactful.  And she would be.

 

‘The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll’ – Prefab Sprout



 

Later on, I met Leanne, Suzi’s friend, at last.  And I realised that lately I’m mixing with all the ‘kids’, aren’t I?  Am I regressing or something?

 

Even later on, Leighton came into Tech with his best friend – Willock’s girlfriend – Kat.  It was nice to see them.  I had a laugh when we all saw Justine from a distance and pretended we were bitching her off, right where she could see us.  Cruel, I know, but there you have it.  I love the strange irony of it all.  It was good that even though Kat and Leighton allegedly ‘hate’ Suzi we still got on really well.

 

I’ll add at this point that Nyall is a useless, pretentious no-hoper.  What a stupid git!

 

‘People Are Strange’ – The Doors



 

Suzi…  Oh you excite me, but…

 

Well, I spoke to my friend Kathy on the bus and tried to distinguish the feelings I have for Nat from the feelings I have for Suzi.  Strange how there was such a dramatic build-up to me being with Suzi, and now she’s ‘just there’.  With Nat, it kind of crept up from The Mission gig until I was struck by her lightning on that Friday nite.  And I would show Nat my diaries, for good or ill.  I’d tell her everything.  I would respect her and love her in a much greater way than I do Suzi.  I can just tell.  And there the guilt creeps in; that the one doesn’t know of the other’s saga.  And I don’t want to seem to be making choices, but all the favours seem to be swinging in Nat’s direction.  All about her is good.

 

I have written a song about her called ‘Poland’, and we started work on the music tonite at the rehearsal.

 

‘Delicate Cutters’ – Throwing Muses



 

I rang Natalia tonite and felt immediately great.  It was brilliant to hear her on the phone after I’d been so worried that she may have forgotten me due to my lack of letter reply.  I told her of my dream attempts to find her and of how I dearly wished I could tell her certain things that are hard to explain on the phone.  Eventually, it was quite excitedly decided that Nat will come down here tomorrow nite.  I cannot wait.  We have become close friends and it is wonderful.  I will tell her all about myself; and all about Suzi, too, and my feelings for her (Natalia), my Tower of Strength.

 

 Oh, I love Nat more than anyone.  It’s true.  She and I are growing ever closer.  I missed her just as much as I missed Suzi when I was at Flash’s.

 

NATALIA…         DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY EMOTIONS?

YOU’RE NOT PUT OFF ME ARE YOU?

WE’LL STILL BE ‘SISTERS’, WON’T WE?

 

Oh how I’d love to see The Sugar Cubes with you, Natalia.  Today, I told Suzi I couldn’t afford to go, but for you I could.  But even if I could go with you, Suzi’ll be there.

 

OH NATALIA… 

WHAT SHALL I DO ABOUT YOU?

TELL ME, PLEASE!

 

It’ll end in tears.  I don’t hope.

 




 

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Next time: ‘Natalia writes…’

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