‘Grease’ – Frankie Valli
Flash, I feel stronger towards you than ever, ‘loverboy’!
‘MOO! NING! MOO!’
says a very long – and oddly pig-like – cow with a ring through its nose and a daisy in its mouth. Its pants are down and it’s offering up its stubbly arse…
My latest report:
NORFOLK COUNTY COUNCIL
NORFOLK COLLEGE OF ARTS AND TECHNOLOGY
Division of Service Industries
FULL-TIME STUDENT PROGRESS REPORT
Theatre Studies – 2nd year
to be sat
When Ritcherd fully applies himself to the work the results can be very imaginative.
Poor attendance and non-submission of written work are bound to damage Ritcherd’s
chances of obtaining the grades his ability warrants.
Ritcherd needs to demonstrate that he is committed to his work. His erratic attendance has really stopped him from making the progress he is capable of. Ritcherd has some very fine + creative ideas that he is able to put into practice. When he does so, the effects are very pleasing. Keep up the reading for the theory work.
L Goodgirl CLASS TUTOR
Please take careful note of these remarks. English is a worry!!
H Chase Head Of Sector
‘Jipp’ – Red Lorry Yellow Lorry
Stan Lampwick is such a gullible, unthinking, disloyal, mindless TWAT! From the beginning, I felt this alliance with those of MORTAL DEATH would cause tension and problems for SUGARBLOOD. I knew that Stan’s gullibility and naiveté towards anyone he thinks is amazingly cool would sway his visions of what we wanted SUGARBLOOD to be. To be honest, I had a lot of sour feelings about MORTAL DEATH anyway. They were such an old-style GOTH band and had attached the label ‘GOTH BAND’. Now, don’t get me wrong; we all know I love ‘GOTH’ and I’m as ‘GOTHIC’ as the next, er, ‘GOTH’, but… That wasn’t exactly what SUGARBLOOD was about. I thought we were a bit more ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ than that. And I don’t mean Teddy Boys! Any fool know that in ‘music biz’ terms GOTH IS DEAD. Okay, we kids still prance about as GOTHS, etc, but GOTHS DO NOT GET RECORD CONTRACTS! NOT IN THESE ‘ENLIGHTENED’ DAYS. I THINK WE SHOULD BE MORE ‘NEPHILIM’/ ‘LORRIES’/ ‘LED ZEP’ THAN ‘ALIEN SEX FIEND’ AND ‘SEX GANG CHILDREN’ IF WE WANT TO REACH SUCCESS! NOT THAT OLD GOTHO JUNK! TRASH! DATED, TIRED, SAD AND CONTRACTUALLY DEAD!
Just as BLEACH and RABID were ‘MORTAL DEATH’, Stan and I are ‘SUGARBLOOD’ – and by that I mean we still are SUGARBLOOD, we never split up! Hah! But then I had this feeling all along that MD would muscle in, take over and then decide that the name MORTAL DEATH would be the name we all perform under. But, no, Stan said, ‘Don’t worry, they’re joining SUGARBLOOD, we’re not joining MORTAL DEATH’. He said they’d fit in with what we doing. Then he comes out with lots a shit about how ‘in MD they had a deal on big decisions’, how ‘three of the members had to agree for any decision to go through’. ‘PRATT!’, thought I. ‘You are taken in by anything! They’ll always agree and you’ll always agree with them, just to impress ‘em, Mr Gothly Gullible; Mr Never Changes Hi Ways; Mr I Think Goth Is New And Still Viable And Very Accessible!’
‘These Dreams’ – Heart
Only lately, in Stan’s absence, I have decided that it’s okay to go with the ‘3 to agree’ thing, but two of ‘em will have to be me ‘n’ Stan, as this band is SUGARBLOOD, NOT MORTAL FUCKING DEATH.
All along, I have told Stan I do not want to exist in the shadow of MORTAL DEATH. I wanted us to be something new, to develop as a new thing, not become the MORTAL DEATH Tribute Band. Stan always told me not to worry, that we would always be SUGARBLOOD! He seemed equally determined. After all, they joined us!!! HAH! PATHETIC! I always felt I would be ‘replaced’!
Stan rang today. I was ill in bed. Betty took a message:
‘Tell Jez we’ll be supporting MOTORHEAD in a few months’ time…’
I got up later and was very impressed at this news. I decided I’d ring Stan later on and talk about the future of SUGARBLOOD. I wanted to emphasise the point that it’s our band: mine ‘n’ his. Bleach ‘n’ Rabid have joined SUGARBLOOD. We are not a MORTAL DEATH spin-off. I wanted to mention the ‘3 to 1’ policy (and how we had to be two of ‘em), BUT…
STAN FLOWERS HAS NO PRIDE, NO SELF-RESPECT!!!!
‘Come Maddalena’ – Ennio Morricone
He rang me before I got the chance to ring him, y’see. Told me about the MOTORHEAD gig, which Bleach + Rabid had already booked as MORTAL and told me what had actually happened when they met last nite. He said they play good (FAIR ENOUGH, I DON’T DOUBT THAT!). He also said that they gave their last singer his’marching orders’ last nite, too. On top of this, he also said, to my (probably overcautious) dismay, ‘Oh, we may have to change the name…’
I was furious, and expecting much worse.
What?! Who says?
Well, they put across an idea, which convinced me…
And I’m at the other end of the line thinking, ‘A pile of shit could convince you that it was cream cake…’
If we join forces then we’ll have to be Mortal Death.
The name’s established.
I can see their point, but…
I’m not sure I can accept that.
Well, look, we can’t afford not to.
I was really angry now.
Oh, why’s that?
Coz they’re good and we can’t afford to lose them.
Why not? I didn’t realise I was an extra in someone else’s band.
It doesn’t matter whose band it is. We’re a four now.
No. I’m still the lead singer and songwriter of Sugarblood. Which band are you in?
Oh. I see. Well I’ll see you on Saturday and we can talk about it.
AND THAT WAS IT!
THIS GUY IS LETTING THEM SHIT ON US!!!
My No.1: ‘Evergreen’ – Into A Circle
I rang Stan and we’ve resolved our problems.
BUT WE AGREED THAT THERE ARE TO BE A LOT OF CHANGES!
[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
Next time: ‘Progress report…’