The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Tuesday, 2 February 1988

Unlayering Stan

Approx 9am.



Ooh!  I’m in Wisbech Park.  Missed my bas.  Golly me, it’s freezing.





‘To Drown A Rose’ – Death In June


Death In June are becoming singularly very important to me.  Dunno why!  I mean, okay, I have painted their name on the back o’ my biker’s jacket ‘n’ stuff, and I’m playing the album tonnes ‘n’ tonnes, but why?  I mean, I’m a bit worried that there’s something fascistic about their lyrics.  Is this the artist or the art?  I really don’t know, but the music is great.  I didn’t write off to their Mailing Service today, but I will tomorrow.  I want info on them; their new mini-LP Wall Of Sacrifice; their new book; their four other albums (especially The World That Summer and Lesson 1: Misanthropy).  I am intrigued.



The dentist today has left me with toothache.  Ironic or what?


My image is growing to be more of my liking, and this pleases me.  However, ‘God’ means much more to me than this, or anything else; followed closely by truth + beauty – which have brought me closer to Stan Flowers.


TRIANGLIA tonight felt really crap at the time, but Bella, Stan and I discovered a lot about ourselves during the session.  Stan played a really nice gay bloke called ‘Simon’; a nice character of his own devising.  In fact, Bella and I found ourselves liking ‘Simon’ more than we do Stan.  Afterwards, we told him he ought to be like ‘Simon’ all the time: warm, humble and soft-spoken.  Less obviously boastful; pushing himself down people’s throats…


Obviously, Stan seemed a bit put out that we were saying this to him, but he agreed on some points and actually said he will aim to be more like the character he created.  From then, we all sat being really nice to each other – nicer and kinder than we’ve ever been – and it was actually sad when Stan had to go.


Left alone in the Theatre Bar, Bella and I began to feel a little guilty.  In the past, though, it’s always been ‘What a pratt’, etc, behind Stan’s back.  Everybody does it, everybody, which is tragic, cos he’s a good bloke, deep down.  But no one did it tonite. 


Bella and I had seen another, nicer side of Stan; the ‘underneath’ Stan; the un-self-self-self side of Stan; the human being; the real man, who isn’t constantly trying to impress his fellows.  And, yes, I’m the most self-absorbed person you’re ever likely to meet, but I think – I hope – there are parts of my social self that are generous and attentive.  Stan is rarely generous or attentive.  He’s always competing, bragging, boasting or, in an indefinable way, intimidating.  Which is clearly all hollow and empty.  And not like me, in the pages of a diary, privately, but there in the room, in front of you, in your face and down your throat.  Like you did when you were 14 or 15.  But, having said that, the Stan that was there tonite reminded me of a Stan I had occasionally encountered in the past, but only after spending long hours alone with him.  That’s when his true, beautiful colours emerge from beneath his ill-judged ‘Joe Cool’ exterior.


Bella and I wondered to ourselves, whom would we see next Tuesday?  ‘Simon’ or Stan? 

And then I asked, ‘Ah, but will we be as nice to him in turn next week?’

Bella said she would be.  Now he has revealed himself, it’s no problem for her.  As long as he stays human.


As for me, I realise the problem lies probably not with Stan, but with me.  I like the guy.  He’s great.  But other people’s opinions of him (those who only know his artificial, bullshitty surface) have, over time, clouded my own view of him.  But no more.  He’s a mate.  A sad one, and one I have sympathy for.


Funny, really.  Nyall slags Steve off to buggery, but Nyall’s personality is much nastier and a lot more spiteful than Stan’s.  And yet, I’d normally rather hang around with Nyall.  BUT, logically, Nyall’s proud nature (compared to Stan’s competitive vanity) make him more of a plonker than Stan.


God bless you, Stan.  Hope your ‘ex’, ISN’T pregnant.




Me ‘n’ Stan may be off to NOO-RETCH on SATURDAY.  Pray, hope, etc…


I go an’ listen to The Mission soundtrack now…

'On Earth As It Is In Heaven' - Ennio Morricone





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Next time: ‘Norwich with Graham…’

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