The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Saturday, 13 February 1988

Meeting The Mission

About 1.10pm.


‘Atari Baby’ – Sigue Sigue Sputnik


Gay Bastard.


Fucking Gay Git!  FUKKA!  BITCH!  TET!  WANGER!  PILES!  PLOP!


It’s bastard raining!




We both got ready ‘n’ we both looked rate Jonathan Harker.  Soon as we stepped outside, it gay rained all o’er ‘n’ fucked us in, hair-wise!




The bus took ages to arrive ‘n’ we got fucking soaked!




So.  We thought bollox to the 794 to NOO-RETCH.  And came home.


So.  Here we are.  VERY PISSED OFF and getting ready AGAIN for the 3.40pm bus to NOO-RETCH, which we’d better get.  An’ we hope the rain eases off or we’ll look crap tonite when we go out.


‘Heatseeker’ – AC/DC


Stan got one Vally’s card.  I bet I ain’t got none.




So.  Where are we off tonite, you all cree? 


NICKI’s pahtey, we suppose. 


But afore that, we off to the UEA to see The MISSION.  Ironic, in a way, that I bought my ticket from Leighton (via Justine).  Yo-ho-ho!




What a shit day so far…


It’s got to get good.  I mean, STAN was hoping to ‘pull’ NICKI.  I think.  And hopefully have a good time at the pahtey after’ards.




Well, as it’s going to be ST VALENTINE’S DAY by the time the gig is o’er, I’d like to meet a nice female ‘Gothic’ type and… well, to put it plainly, have lots of sex and then hopefully move onto higher things…


‘Blood Brother’ – The Mission


Hah!  This brings back memories.  365 days ago, or so.  Yo-ho!  What a nice pahtey THAT was.  Dancing to ‘Blood Brother’.  Yo-Ho!


As for sex, anyway…


Today, Alice who used to go in The Bell is my ambition.  But that would be impossible, so scrub that.  But a nice, black-haired, dark-eyed, backcombed Rose McDowall will do thanx.  Please.


Yo!  This is so much like last New Year’s Eve. 


WHAT I’D LIKE, by Jez De Carlo

Two really gorgeous Rose McD lookers to invite us to their shared flat for a lot of sex (as opposed to NICKI’s pahtey).


Please, god.  Help us.  Ease the rain off.  Let us get what we want.  God know, it would be the first time (ahem!).  Help us, please.  We need a laugh for a change (Help!).



Let’s have a nice time…


How will it go?



A bit later.


‘Another One Bites The Dust (Purple Haze Mix)’ – The Batfish Boys


Oh, golly me.  Stan’s gone to wesh up.  I’d best help him, I suppose…


My hair’s up again.


Really, though, with all my faith directed at those forces that control my life and destiny – my Gods, my divine leaders – realise for me – your pawn, as your Player in the Game – the faith I need in 1988.  Guide me and rescue me from the things I dislike.  I know it’s petty to ask for this, but it saves my mind.  Please direct me to happiness.  Let me be impressed with today and every day.  Please.  Please.  Please.  Please.  Understand me.



Well.  MISSION tonite.  And hopefully a good time afterwards. 


Rehearsal tomorrow.  With Ursula. 


Stan’s pahtey on Wednesday. 


Flash’s on Friday (till Sunday) – in a black limousine from the funeral director’s.  With Ursula, I hope…


‘Sacrilege’ – The Mission

Huh.  November ’87…


Anastasia recently showed me some photos of FRANCESCA CROOK during her last day in England.  Erm.  Brought back some of the pain.  Sad.  NOV 13th.  Sad.



I’ve put a new design on the back of my leather jacket.  Another variation on ‘Death In June’.




‘Dance On Glass’ – The Mission




‘Jez hates ‘Dance On Glass’ …


FUCK!  I’m wet and bored.  BOLLOX… 


If tonite ain’t good, I’m gonna trash meself in. 


I want:








I bet we miss the fuckin’ bus at 3.30pm.


“I WOULDN’T fucking DARE”




Shut up, Berwin! 

Bye-Bye, world. 




Love, Stan xxx’





‘The Jack That House Built’ – Jack ‘n’ Chill




Oh-hum.  Weren’t Stan a larf, eh?  eh? 


I hope we have a good time.  It’s still raining. 


It’s dead windy downstairs.


I think Stan ‘n’ his mum are giving each other a bit o’ jyp.  I’m not sure, but I bet it’ll be my fault.




THIS IS 1988!





A bit later…


‘Gorgeous’ – Gene Loves Jezebel


Stan ‘n’ me just made some Vally’s cards to give to any nice girls we may see at the Giggle. 


Oh well.


I off for a shit.  Ciao!



A bit later…


STAN ‘n’ me are ready again.  I’m looking, in my opinion, the best I’ve ever looked.  ‘S good. 





‘Calamity Crush’ – Foetus


Nearly time. 


Stan’s breakdancing. 


A breakdancing Goth.  It hurts your head, doesn’t it?





Much, much later…


‘There Is Something In My House’ – Dead Or Alive


I last spoke to you as we were just about ready to leave.  Well, at last, we got the bus to Norwich, and we didn’t get wet.  And who got on at King’s Lynn?  Libby.  Memories (UGH!) of other MISSION gigs, methought and was deliberately enigmatic towards her.  Which pleased me.


We got off the bus and, well, nuts to all my old, ancient philosophy, because I trod the floor of MacDonalds, where we served by ‘spooky’ girl Alice, with whom we had a little chat.  As Stan ‘n’ me sat, I admired this girl from afar.  She is an absolutely gore-juice (in my opinion) gurl.  Orgasms.


A trip to the Off License and then a trip to The Festival House, where Stan nearly left behind his tape recorder.  Ho-Ho-Ho!  How I laughed, till my willy fell off.  Yo-Ho-Ho!


We then got a taxi to the fabled UNIVERSITY OF EAST ANGLIA and its remazing Lower Common Room.  Then the fun began…

The place was absolutely packed out.  And there were tonnes of familiar faces there, e.g. Sage Edenkind, Fiz, Belinda, Sally, Libby, Jason Hertford, Nicki and her mate Joolz and tons more.  We decided the bar was the place to be, where we had lots of lager. 


I should mention that, at one point, I gave a gurl with really big black hair my homemade Vally’s card (thru’ Stan).


Then, wonder of all wonders, we discovered who our support band was to be.  It had seemed obvious by the end of last week that it wasn’t going to be Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, and it turned out to be SALVATION, which pleased me immensely as I had been dying to hear their stuff.  And they were good.  I particularly liked ‘Jessica’s Crime’.


Someone heckled Danny (the singer), shouting: ‘Show us yer dick!’

Danny replied: ‘The amount of times you’ve seen my dick.  Dad.’


I cracked up.  I could really identify with them, especially as Danny’s speaking voice was just like my own Dad’s!


After Salvation had finished, one of the guys running the UEA event decided to make himself unpopular by announcing that the Police had been called by some conspicuously anonymous member of the public, who had announced that a bomb had been planted in the building.  No one believed it, of course (someone jokingly suggested that the anonymous caller was Andrew Eldritch!  Yo-Ho-Ho!), but we all had to evacuate in an orderly fashion so the area could be inspected.  But in the ensuing crush, I lost all sight and sound of Stan, ‘n’ that was that.


Time for some LED ZEP now, I think…


Oh bugger.  Here’s The Mission.  Obviously.


‘Over The Hills And Far Away’ – The Mission


Once back inside, I went to the bar, whilst the amphitheatre packed itself with bodies.


Finally, to some Ennio Morricone Western riff, THE MISSION came on.  I was nowhere near them, and could only see the tops of their heads.  When I finally caught sight of Wayne Hussey I felt very fucked off coz he’d done nothing new with his image and was wearing the usual shit.


I drank a few more pints of lager, enjoying old tracks such as ‘Crystal Ocean’ and ‘Wasteland’ and new material like ‘Heat’, ‘Kingdom Come’, ‘Beyond The Pale’ and ‘Child’s Play’.  Then I decided to see if I could worm my way into the crush down near the stage.  I got into the centre of crush, but didn’t make it to the front.  Whilst there, I realised I was probably going to collapse, so came back out and made my way to the back of the Common Room.  Here, I ‘collapsed’ and watched the world go by.  Then Stan turned up, from his own previous experiences, and, he too, collapsed. 


After a while, and once we’d sorted ourselves out, we had a few more pints and joined NICKI at the quieter, less busy side of the stage and watched The MISSION pretty much from behind.  I was particularly chuffed when they played ‘Tower Of Strength’.


Once the gig ended, I got chatting to two nice gurlies from Newcastle: Crackle and Rae.  We were in a really big ‘crush’ of people, trying to get backstage and meet the band.  I was particularly turned on when I was squashed up against sexy, blonde Crackle and she sat straddling my thigh, wriggling a lot…


(Now for some LED ZEP, I hope…)


‘The Battle Of Evermore’ – Led Zeppelin


Alas, the UEA blokes forced us out of the building, and as hordes of people cleared off home, Stan and I stood about waiting for NICKI (as we were supposed to be staying at her place).  We, and two of Sage’s mates, presumed she’d gotten back stage.


So, I wandered around for a bit, until I found a room with about 15 people in it – including Sage and Nicki.  So, ‘accidentally stumbling in’ – and assuming those present were waiting to catch a glimpse of THE MISSION – I went over to Sage and told her that her mates were waiting for her, just outside.  Sage told me to bring them in.  I said ‘okay’, and as I turned to leave I spied out of the corner of my eye, ex-SISTER OF MERCY (now with THE MISSION), CRAIG ADAMS!


And so, at that fateful moment began the historic episode in which Jez became known as ‘Cat O’ Nine Tails’ and met THE MISSION.  I’ll tell you what happened soon.  It gets really good.




So there I was, at the University Of East Anglia, dragging Stan (and others) into this room where THE MISSION were chatting to their fans. 


Wayne Hussey was absolutely surrounded by girls, whilst Craig Adams and Mick Brown were with our ‘acquaintance’, Willock, who was being a pillock and acting like a fan.  I sat and joined them, and Stan came over, too.  After about 10 minutes, Willock left, so it was just me, Stan, Mick and Craig, talking about Craig’s hair and its recent chewing gum exploits.  We then got onto the subject of Yorkshire, discussing Castleford, Leeds and Haworth.  Mick had lived in these places, which then got us talking about his time as one of The Lorries.  After about half an hour, I inevitably asked them to sign the polystyrene cup I’d been drinking from, which they kindly did.


Mick wrote:


‘To Jez (Ritcherd) from Ponti, Donni, Wakey and Cas, Love Mick Brown, Mish X’


And he drew a couple of drumsticks and a picture of Wayne Hussey (‘Our glorious leader’).


Craig wrote:


‘To Jez (Ritcherd) – Cat O’ 9 Tails – Blah, Craig Adams.’


And he let the ‘s’ at the end of ‘Adams’ tail off into several whip-like fronds.


I then decided to go over and get Wayne’s autograph.  He seemed very busy with all these girls, and I didn’t really think I’d get the chance to talk to him.  As it turned out, he was happy to sign the cup, but he was quite a cold character and I didn’t like him all that much.  The others had seemed really down to earth, but not him.  I mean…  Oh, he was amiable enough, I suppose, but I guess I just wasn’t interesting enough for him when he was surrounded by so many dribbling gurls (including Crackle, Rae, Sage and Nicki).  Fair enough.


Wayne wrote:


‘To Jez (Ritcherd), love Wayne XX’


‘Blue Of Noon’ – David Sylvian


So I started looking for my favourite member of The Mish, the star that shines through the machine smoke, Simon Hinkler.  He was on his own, so I went and chatted to him and he was a raight nice bloke.  He signed my cup, but had to hurry off and do something, somewhere.

With Simon gone, I went back over to Mick who shared a bottle of Blue Nun with me while we talked about The Sisters, gigs, Yorkshire, the price of success, The Lorries, girls called Jenny (Hi, JT!), sex, pubs, Castleford, and why The Mish lads (not Wayne) had opted for a more ‘greasy’ image (for which, I don’t blame them!).


When Simon came back he also signed my cup:


‘To JEZ (Elton), love Simon Hinkler X’



Then, in attempt to get The Mish to sign my favourite battered, brown leather belt, I had Simon telling me that he really liked it and wanted me to sell it to him.  After a small bartering process, I sold it to him for a fiver.  I would have given him it, but I love that belt and will need to replace it, somehow.  I made him promise to wear it ALWAHZE, and he said he would.  He’d better do. 


Oh, but it was ace sharing his Baileys with him and comparing the ginger bits in our beards.


As the main crowd of fans drifted off, Stan and I spent the rest of the nite chatting cosily with Mick ‘n’ Simon (the best ‘uns), and I enjoyed the intelligent conversation.  Meanwhile, Nicki ‘got off’ with Wayne, as he played us the band’s new EP (due out in April) on Stan’s tape recorder.


‘Home’ – David Sylvian


As the nite drew to an end and we were leaving, Craig Adams was dashing about with a silly flying hat on.  He re-christened me CAT O’ NINE TAILS (due to the tassel belt I wear).  I also had a brief chat with Choque from Salvation about their stuff, and he said we should have a drink after their gig at the Astoria in London.  I said I’d be happy to, but don’t imagine I’ll be able to go.


It was time to go, and I’d been hoping, of course, to ‘get off’ with Crackle, but, alas, it was not to be.  So Stan, Joolz and I stayed at Nicki’s place, which was very ‘down’ ‘n’ cold.





[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]


Next time: ‘A bunch of shit…’

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