The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Tuesday, 10 November 1987

Justine's Letter Says


9am.

Student Common Room.

 

God.  I feel well ill.  I don’t want to go to my lessons.  I just don’t.  I feel so sick and heavy.  And I had a really heavy dream about my Dad last nite, and Betty hassling him, etc.  Oh god!  I feel so fucked.  Jo Wedonska is here, now.  And she’s hassling me about The Play.

 

JO WEDONSKA WRITES:               

 

9.03am:

 

At the moment I am not sure what to write, other than my relationship with Neil is slowly coming to an end.  I have discovered that I find it impossible to stay faithful + don’t think I should hurt a sweet human being like Neil.

 

Also… I am not hassling Ritcherd about the play.

 

She is.

 

Later:

A bit later.

 

I am now reading a new letter from Justine.

 

It says she’s just played the tape and listened to the lyrics attentively.  She says I know how to get to her, i.e. playing the songs we listened to when she stayed over at mine, plus other songs with appropriate lyrics and some of her own favourites.  She says my use of ‘our’ song, ‘Sex Beat’ was very well thought out…

 

So, erm…  I’ve decided not to read any further.  I’ll read it later, cos the first para’s well heavy.

 

I’m off to the shop.

 

Later:

 

‘Burn’ – The Sisters Of Mercy



 

Justine’s Letter Says:

She listened to the tape at least twice and when she heard ‘Sex Beat’ again she was reduced to tears.  She has a go at me for trying to depress her and give her a guilty conscience, for ‘showing her what she is’.  She tells me I have succeeded and asks if I am happy now.  She asks me if I get a sadistic pleasure from that knowledge.  She says she never wanted to hurt me and that she regrets doing so.  She says I’m just trying to get back at her.  She says that if I want to ‘have a real go’ at her, then I should, face to face.  She says I should take her aside and give it all I’ve got, because she’ll stand there and take it if it makes me feel better.

 

She casts doubt on my claims that I love her, need her and want her back because all I’m doing is destroying her feelings for me by being obsessive.  She says she now knows how I felt when I finished with Naomi, and wanted to avoid the yearning aftermath.  She tells me to stop this bitterness before I push her away forever.  She says she found the letter disturbing, sick even, saying it shows how confused and mixed-up I am.  She asks if I really meant all the things I said.  She disputes my need for her by picking up on my statement that we had lost the magic sparkle. 

 

She says she too is confused, but tries not to think about her true feelings for me.  She can’t explain what she did and now she wishes she had never even set eyes on Leighton or me.

 

She says Gene Loves Jezebel’s claim that a little heartache never hurt anyone is a joke and that all this is just tearing her apart.  What she has done looms above her like a dark cloud, but she cannot believe my feelings are as strong as I have described.  She had hoped to look upon me as a close friend, but realises I don’t want that.  The significance of Shop Assistants‘I Don’t Want To Be Friends With You’ isn’t lost upon her.

 

She tells me to hate her and take every opportunity to get at her if I want, but warns me not to. 

 

She asks me if I honestly believe we could ever be together again, would it work?  She says that right now she is staying with Leighton as she’s already hurt too many people, but who knows what will happen in the future?  She admits she still loves me, but it’s as if fear of those feelings repels her from me.  At this point she admits to not wanting to write any more as it’s too upsetting.  ‘Moments In Love’ comes on and she starts crying again.  She tells me I’m a bastard and that she’s a bitch and maybe we both deserve this emotional torture.  She admits to being a hypocrite and that it’s all her fault.  She takes responsibility for all of it. 

 

She even says she wishes that I had killed her, or taken her away from everyone and everything.

 

She admits that the letter I sent has been read by others.  How could I expect her to keep such a thing to herself?  She asks me to write back and tell her how I feel now.  She asks that I control my emotions, but if I have to take them out on someone, let it be her not my friends.  She says she can no longer think clearly about this.  I’ve got her where I want her: feeling 2 inches tall and lost.  She says I can now feel smug, apologise, or just forget her.  Whatever happens, her brave face will show.  She tells me to pull myself together and help her/us to sort this out.  She loves me, but I will not receive this love now.

 

She signs off with three kisses.

 

Later:

11.15pm.

At home.

 

‘Serpent’s Kiss’ – The Mission



 

So I read Justine’s letter.  It brought me close to tears.  And I felt rather guilty at the guilt trip I’d sent her on.  But I still maintain that it was necessary to my sanity to do such a thing.

 

I eventually wrote back to Justine with full apologies and told her I did what I had done only for love.  Also, no, I never did actually see us getting back together, but I just wanted to convey my feelings.

 

A bit later, loads of first year girls gave me some real gyp about Tracey, Blondie’s friend, asking me what I thought of her.  I said ‘very nice’.  They said she only ever talks about me.  Constantly.  And she wants to know where she stands.  I said she seemed like a very nice person, which she does, but I couldn’t really say much at this point as I’m still getting over Justine.

 

That said, I’m finding myself liking Francesca more and more.  I do like her and I think this is being affected by my urgent need to remove Justine from my thoughts.

 

‘Andy Warhol’ – David Bowie



 

In the Common Room, some tutor was sniffing around to find students not working in the Library or the Resource Based Learning Centre in their free periods.  He caught me ‘n’ Legs and suggested we go to the RBL Centre.  As we set off, I saw Francesca and a friend sitting, doing very little.  As the tutor gradually made his way over, I quietly asked them if they should really be there and pointed out the tutor.  Of course they weren’t supposed to be there, so I had rescued them before he actually got to them and we all went off to the RBL Centre.

 

In the RBL, Legs and I sat together, while Francesca ‘n’ friend sat a little way off.  Even so, we could hear snatches of their conversation and I heard the friend ask Francesca, ‘Is it Ritcherd Winterfood?’  But god knows what they were talking about…

 

‘Over The Rooftops’ – Gene Loves Jezebel

 
Eventually, Justine and I met up for a chat.  We chatted in a very civilised way.  She asked me how I felt about it all.  I told her I still love her but that I hate the situation, wishing she’d never left me.  I explained my reasons for wanting to ‘KILL’ her over the weekend.  I talked a bit, and then I didn’t know what else to say.  Neither did she.  We never do.  Strange.  I told her that I do need her, if nothing else then as a good friend.  She’s very precious to me.  I told her that Sharon had more or less asked me out and Justine admitted she’d be very jealous if I went out with someone else. 

‘Why?’ asks I. 

‘Because I still love you,’ she replies, ‘it’s as simple as that.’

‘How does that work?’ I ask.

‘I don’t know,’ she says.  ‘Even though I ruined it all for us, I’d still be jealous of your girlfriend.  And, yes, I would look a hypocrite.’

 

I was very happy that she still loves me.  We talked further of the hurt and pain we had caused each other; that I’d felt over her and Leighton and tried to cast back at her.  She told me that all that was stopping her leaving Leighton now, to come back to me, was the fear of hurting anyone else.  Which I believe is fair enough.  I told her I don’t want her to leave Leighton.  She shouldn’t put either of them through that.  She should continue HER life and be happy.  I cannot tell her what to do with her life, she’d resent that, as I would if she told me how to conduct my affairs.  But we must be friends.

 

The converstion went in various directions and I told her that I don’t want to lose her from my life.  I came close to tears and so did she.  We ended up discussing what we called the ‘three cuts’, and my ending with Naomi and its parallels and opposites with Justine finishing with me. 

 

We also managed to see things from three basic viewpoints:

 

We wish we’d never met

We want to be together

We just want to be good mates

 

‘Sacrilege’ – The Mission



 

‘Do you think we’ll ever go out with each other again?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know,’ I replied.  ‘I can’t say, can I?  It all depends on you.  If we do, it’ll be a long time from now.’

‘Yeah,’ she muttered, ‘but would we, do you think?’

‘Would we,’ I asked, ‘or do I want us to?  Yes.  To both, I suppose.  But in the meantime let’s carry on regardless.’

 

We started to agree that talking had been productive but uncomfortable.  We were both tense and nervous.  And all I wanted to do was relax, let go and kiss her.  I told her… it would be great for us to get back together one day.  She agreed.  I told her she means a real lot to me. 

‘Likewise,’ she said. 

‘But we need time to grow,’ I said, ‘let the dust clear.’ 

 

Perhaps time will change our views.  Who knows?

There’s still very much unsaid.  I must write a letter to her.  She told me to.  But for now, all I can say is that I’m glad to be her friend and I hope we grow together within each other’s confidence.

 

‘Dancing Barefoot’ – The Mission



 

FLASH WROTE!  GROOVY!

 

Two bits to the letter:

 

NOV 1st: Madly in love with Manda.  Dead glad I’m back with Justine.  Enjoying our phone calls on the Friday night.

 

NOV 8th: Very mysterious this.  I wish I fully knew what had happened to him – he doesn’t really say – but consequently he’s giving up the booze.  On the phone he told me it was because of his horrid hangover.

 

I am totally lost here…

 

He also tells me he and Manda are finished and that on Friday, at the fair, he met Joanne (Dodo) and they ended up kissing on her drive.

 

He moves house – to Castleford, on my Dad’s street – on the 16th.

 

Strange man.

 

‘And The Dance Goes On’ – The Mission



 

Oh well.  Afore I go to bed, let’s look at my plans for the future.

 

If I pass my ‘A’ LEVELS, I want to take a year off, move to Leeds and get a flat with Nyall (I hope!), find a job, get a band going (with or without Nyall ‘n’ Smith).  If Nyall and I don’t work out, Flash and I could live together!  Hey!  Hey!  I’ll move in with Flash.  I think I’m more likely to meet my real ‘love’ in Leeds.  Whenever I think of Leeds, I have an image in my head of a really gorgeous gothy-gurl, standing outside BOOTS.  Tall, with wild hair.  Just a picture, fabricated in my mind’s eye.  It may be prophetic.  Hope so.  After my year off, if I’m not famous and if I don’t hate education, I’ll apply for a degree course at Polytechnic, or go to Drama School, or Beaconsfield.  But I really want to move to Leeds and have a year doing what I want.

 

If I don’t pass my ‘A’ LEVELS, I’ll try and catch the grades on a one-year course at Tech.

 

Goodnight, folks.

 

Later:

 

‘Garden Of Delight’ – The Mission



 

OH!  I think I need to start again, in a new relationship.  At the mo’, I fancy All About Eve/Sisters/Mish fan Francesca.  I think I do, anyway.  Probably just another whim. 

 



 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.  Never forget: no man is an island.  If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1  July  2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘More Serious Matters…’

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