The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Wednesday, 21 October 1987

The Motion of Love

‘Rhodesia’ – Japan


I got a letter from Justine today.  It went something like this:


She’s very confused about what has happened.  She doesn’t think things between us will ever be the same again, but if we had gone on without any hassle then she thinks our relationship could have been very intense and fulfilling.  She still wants me and stil loves me, but ‘oh, I don’t know’.  When I had a go at her yesterday, she just thought ‘fffFuck Off’.  She was finally going to let go of me, but doesn’t feel able now.  She doesn’t know what to do about Graham either, as she has given him the impression that she and I are over and just friends and that she might now go out with him.  She feels like crying, screaming, tearing her hair out and beating someone up.  She really misses our ‘top treat’ times and the closeness we shared.  She wonders what I mean about wanting an ‘on the level’ relationship.  She doesn’t understand what I mean, or any of what’s happening.  She even begs my help.  She says she’s really sorry about Friday night and that she made a total fool of herself and feels ashamed.  She’s got so much more that she wants to say, but can’t be bothered to write it down and would rather we talked.  She signs off with a kiss, and then a PS that begs me not to have my hair dyed white with orange streaks like I’ve been planning…


Also today…


A Literature Letter Conversation Between Ritcherd and Sarah George:



Sarah, Sarah, you’re my best mate; I’ve got 2 gigs ‘n’ I can’t wait; I’ve written to my darling Jenny; she really is a funny penny; I wanted to talk to her instead, but I just can’t get inside her head!  So how are you, my darling one?  Have you got a spot on your bum?  Write to me + tell me the news, and I shall offer my old views!  Justine’s been a real bitch, a really nasty, horrid witch!  Me ‘n’ Roger are feeling better: we’ve been writing lots of letters to two gurls called Emma ‘n’ Mary; we’re only friends, though, nothing scary!  But Justine ‘n’ Suz got very sweary, and wrote to little Emma ‘n’ Mary, saying they were a pair of slags: what’s it to Justine?  Silly bag!  Oh, life’s a gas ‘n’ then you die; that bloody Justine makes me cry.  I feel all happy, and that’s true, Sarah, but I get depressed when things aren’t clearer.  This is the end of my shitty poem, I really bloody must get going.  RSVP.



Hello, Ritcherd, you’re really quite witty; I wouldn’t say your poem was at all shitty!  What did Jenny say to you today?  Does it make you want to go ‘Horay’?  Tell me all, my little one, and I will give my thoughts on all the fun.  Anyway, I must fly, otherwise I too may cry!  God, Jenny really is a bitch; it’s a shame she’s not more of a titch or I would hurt her for hurting you!  So, but no, I do not think I’d stoop so low!  Reply to me filling me with cheers and let me forget my wildest fears.  Oh, Ritch, you really are so sweet, write me a letter now for a treat.



I am not sweet.  You only said that coz it’d rhyme.  Jen just told me she’s pissed off and listens to The Smiths a lot coz they’re depressing.  I told her I listen to Japan/David Sylvian a lot, coz they’re depressing (but also semi-jolly), ‘n’ we’re both living in 1986 ( a bit) + I mentioned the ‘high point’ of our relationship: when we were alone in the drama studio, locked in an embrace that lasted centuries, whilst ‘Wave’ by David Sylvian played on the stereo.  It made me smile to think about it.  She’s so nice, but so weird + very sad, I think.  RSVP.



Yes, it is sad.  The whole situation is terribly sad.  I’ve said before: she is so terribly complex.  I know for a fact she hasn’t been happy for a long time now.  I don’t really know why, just that everything’s been getting her down.  ‘What’s new?’ we ask ourselves.  Anyway, do you think you’ll ever go back out with Justine?  RSVP.  P.S. You are sweet.


MR ‘SWEET’:   

Are you trying to be funny?  As for me ‘n’ Justine… Dunno.  It seems so futile.  I don’t need her, but then I think and I end up imagining what would have happened if we’d stayed together.  Erm.  Yeah, I’m quite a happy person now.  Very together and the only hassles I’ve got are emotional.  I just want THE PERSON to come along that will get on really well with me.  I miss ‘closeness’.  So I’ll feel even better when I see Flash on Friday.  No, I’m not bent.  But he’s like me.  Another half of this split personality.  Hey-ho!  RSVP.  P.S. Me ‘n’ Justine?  Hmm.  Doubt it.



Um, yes.  No comment to you and Flash.  But seriously though, I know what you mean.  Always remember: you don’t need Justine.  Someone better is bound to come along.  I found out it’s stupid just to go out with someone for the sake of it.  Since I split up with Derek, I haven’t found anyone I can be really happy with.  I’d do anything to get back with him.  I dunno.  I suppose it’s just my emotions that are confused as well, because, generally speaking, I’m happy.  But what is ‘happy’?  If it’s complete contentment then I’m certainly not happy.  I’m always searching for something.  I’m not sure what it is, but when I find it I’ll know.  Heavy, eh?  Love + Kisses.  RSVP.



GOD!!! Hey, what does Jen ever talk about with you?  She always looks WELL fucked off.  Oi!  I am still sweet, aren’t I?  You didn’t tell me this time.  Tut!  Oh god.  Electives.  Crap.  Erm.  I’m so jolly.  Dunno why.  RSVP.  P.S. OH!  I DO BELIEVE IN LOVE!  Marry me, Sarah!



Erm.  Er, well.  She talks about the normal things.  I think it’s just the general expression on her face.  She probably doesn’t think she looks like that.  But, yes, I know what you mean.  YOU’RE SWEET, SWEET, SWEET.  There.  Does that satisfy you?  I’ve never asked you this before, but have you loved like Mrs Smith is talking about right now?  I have, but only for a very brief period of time.  RSVP.



Dear Sarah, my darling: YEP!  I think so.  How d’you mean?  How did it feel for you?  Who was it?  MUST’VE BEEN ME, OF COURSE, COZ I’M SO SWEET!  RSVP.



Derek, of course.  No, you really.  No, but with Derek it was understandable.  I was so happy.  I knew it couldn’t last.  I would’ve died for him.  Honestly.  Who was it with you?  Come on, tell me.  Was it Jen?  RSVP, my sweet little friend.



Approx 5.50pm.


‘Suburban Berlin’ – Japan








Who am I off to see? 


Ahhh.  Secret.


Well, I used to be WELL into this band.  But they’re good and I’m looking forward to seeing them. 


Clue: ‘a big band – Jez used to love ‘em!’


Tell you about it later.


Eventually today, I had a heavy chat with Justine about how we still feel a lot for each other but don’t really know what to do.  We touched a lot.  That was nice.


Jenny’s still in a depression.  We chatted and I reminded her about the HI-POINT of our relationship last year, i.e. one day, the day of the 1986 Christmas disco, when we sat in the drama studio, locked in an embrace, listening to ‘Wave’ by David Sylvian.  A beautiful memory.


Well.  Simon’ll be here soon.  Am I fuck ready.  BOOGAH xxx




Justine + I had heavy discussions that were never really finished, about where we stand with each other.  It seems that we both still love each other a great deal, but can’t try to pretend that nothing has happened, which in contrasting senses makes us closer + yet more distant.


‘Gorgeous’ – Gene Loves Jezebel


Tonite was great.  If you must know, I went to see GENE LOVES JEZEBEL. 


Y’see, today, Simon came into Tech and asked me if I wanted to go (he’d lend me the money, etc.).  I said, ‘Yeah.’  I mean.  A gig’s a gig.  And I needed a REAL gig.  So he lent me the cash and we went.  And the ‘Jezzies’ were good.  Very good at what they did.  Very glam, of course, but a lot harder, more human, more fun, and just a lot more brilliant than I’d expected.  I have a renewed confidence in them.  I mean, I’m not gonna freak on ‘em, but I feel like I can listen to ‘em more.  It’s taught me that I can’t have favourite groups or least favourite groups.  Just a lot of things that I listen to.



‘The Motion Of Love’ – Gene Loves Jezebel

But the gig was wonderful.  Jay Aston is really good at singing, and Michael’s so… good looking.  Not like on the gurlie photos, but more… REAL.  Great stuff.  I’m glad I went.  It was an experience.  As for Michael, he actually TROD on my jacket, which was on the front of the stage, coz I was rite at the front with Nightingale, Stan, Ursula + Matt.  And Michael trod on mine ‘n’ Stan’s coats.  Ace, eh?


It was good.



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Next time: ‘Bands…’

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