My No.1: ‘Nightporter’ – Japan
Another one of THOSE days. Before I go into that, though, I’d like to generalise a bit.
FLASH hasn’t written to me yet, but this time I don’t mind. He’s my greatest mate. I can wait. Not to worry. I’ll be off to his on the weekend after this! Celebrate his birthday ‘n’ stuff like that. Great! Hopefully he’ll help me write a load of cack for the ‘Rag Revue’. PLEASE, FLASH!!! Can’t wait to see him, though.
JENNY. Been reading some of the letters that zoomed between her ‘n’ Sarah last year. Sad really, looking back. Hmph! I mean Jenny fancied me for ages before we actually ‘went out’ together. She was virtually obsessed. Dead jealous of Alison. And all the time we were together last year, I was constantly paranoid, depressed and worrying about us lasting. These letters show that it COULD have worked but for my shitness. Strange life. Hey-Ho! Wish me well, etc.
‘Desire’ – Gene Loves Jezebel
I have to listen to this. It’s probably applicable to lately. Dunno.
Oh god. It’s late (well, actually it’s not, but I’m nazzed and it feels late) and I can’t be arsed to write, BUT I’ve got to.
I was in the same frame of mind this morning as last night. But I felt happier with it. In the morning, I gave Justine the letter and she went to her lesson.
‘Peggy Sue’ – Buddy Holly
Luggage and I sat and chatted. He told me he fancies this gurlie called Anastasia, but she fancies Roger. Chatting to Luggage, I found out that he fancies Justine again. And he also told me that Woody does – and wants to get off with her at the Gondoliers/Fates gig tomorrow nite.
I also discovered that those gurls who wrote to Roger a bit back have a locker next to ours, so we wrote messages on the locker doors whenever we got the chance thru’-out the day.
At break, I chatted to Blondie and she convinced me to go to tomorrow’s gig. I’ve got a ticket already ‘n’ stuff, but nowhere to stay. She REALLY wants me to go. STWANGE!
‘I Am A Product’ – Alien Sex Fiend
Eventually, I saw Justine who was well deep in conference with Luggage, and she handed me a letter before leaving.
It was nicely done – most of it written with bits of words from newspaper headlines, like a blackmailer’s note! I was impressed at the effort it must’ve taken to find the right words. It basically said she still feels pain at our split and that if we don’t get back together her heart will be broken. She says she really does love me and misses my touch. She had been reluctant to finish with me and now her desire for us to be back together is strong. But there is a problem. If we get back together, this ‘traumatic experience’ won’t be easily forgotten, even though her friends – including Suz – think we should. What happened with Jenny made Justine feel uncertain about our future. Now I’ve explained what was happening, she realises that she doesn’t hate Jenny, just resented her. She tells me she needs me, wants me, and thinks we are good together. She has faith in a new relationship with me. She even says she’s sorry and that she loves me. She wonders why it happened, feels only misery away from me, and wants me to help make things better. She also suggests that this is our last chance.
‘Cow’ – Gene Loves Jezebel
A grumpy goth head…
So. I had to sort my mind out. Ask her out? Forget it? Millions of arguments, for and against, rolled around in my mind. I was just on the brink of a ‘yes’, a positive decision, when Luggage arrived, read the letter, and told me that it totally conflicted with all he had seen and heard. I asked him to confront her about it for me. So he did. He, Justine, Roger and THAT Suz went to KL. Whilst I sat around dreaming, Woody came along! In PVC trousers! GREAT! We chatted lazily, and went into KL for a coffee in Kingsburger. Who should we see there, but SARAH GEORGE! SHACK! HERREUR! I told her the latest developments and asked her to ring me tonight. And she ain’t yet. Tut! S’pose I’ll see her ‘n’ Jenny in Drama tomorrow anyway. Y’puff!
‘Wipe Out’ – The Fat Boys
Returning to Tech for break, I met Justine and we went to the Resource Based Learning Centre to talk. We didn’t get very far for a long time, and in talking, I fully realised that I wanted to go back out with her. No more indecision. But she couldn’t take that. She has been told by lots of people to get back with me, and lots of others have told her to start afresh. She was more confused than ever. Probably coz we had just discussed all the good points ‘n’ the bad points (Jenny, Graham, etc). Now, not only is Graham well in love with her, so is Kevin, and Luggage – and even some kid called Jason. And they’ve all been worried that I’ll pan ‘em one.
All day, Graham had been broadcasting his feelings for her. He even went to drown his sorrows in the pub. Oh yeah, he’s relieved that I’m not gonna bray him. Justine said it wouldn’t have solved anything anyway. But, by God, it’d have felt good at the time. Stupid thoughts, really.
‘Crockett’s Theme’ – Jan Hammer
Then came the questions. Like, what would happen to us both if we didn’t get back together? Justine said she wouldn’t go after anyone straight away, but she knows which one of her admirers she would go after. She wouldn’t tell me who. But I’ve got an idea.
So I asked her what the point of us getting back together would be if she fancied one of THEM. A lot. She said the point would be that she hasn’t shared those SPECIAL feelings with any of the others. She’s never felt so good about any of the others. She feels Woody would use her. She never felt so good about Graham. But Jason’s all new to her. She never mentioned Luggage. As for Woody, apparently she’s meeting him in King’s Lynn on Saturday for a piss-up. SEETHE!
‘What’s Your Problem?’ – Blancmange
She asked me who I would ‘go after’ if we were totally finished. I told her. ‘NOT Jenny.’ This is due to the fact that we are hardly suited. Or so I felt last year. But now Justine mentions it, I’m just as badly suited to Justine as I am Jenny.
Justine just got more confused. I asked her back three times. She said she’d have to think about it overnight. But I told her not to say ‘YES’ to me just coz I want her to. She must do what she feels is right. I won’t mind. I’ll respect that. I told her. BUT she told me she doesn’t know what is right.
‘I Second That Emotion’ – Japan
Justine reckons that before I ask her out again, I should to talk it over with Jenny. The conversation had to more or less end there. We had hardly achieved anything. We both felt a little better, I think, but it was time to go home.
As for Roger, he’s still got an EYE FOR THE LADIES, y’know. He told me to go ‘n’ tell Blondie he’s obsessed with her. She too likes him. But he could never seriously think about it unless he finished with Suz. See? I’m not the only so-called ‘bastard’.
‘R.I.P.’ – Alien Sex Fiend
Nyall rang tonite. He’s off to the gig. And I’m staying at his, or we’re kipping in the park, or something. He’s off to Norwich on Saturday. I hope I can go. MONEY PROBS AHOY! Nyall has become a good shoulder to lean on, and even though we still bitch about each other behind each other’s back, we have become really good friends.
‘Come And Buy My Toys’ – David Bowie
As for Justine, I refuse to comment further. I don’t want to say things I’ll regret or feel stupid or shit about in the future, okay? Oh, I know she spoke to Graham + Luggage after she left me.
‘I don’t really Know what
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Next time: ‘A gig…’