The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Wednesday, 14 October 1987

Justine or Jenny?



‘Stairway to Heaven’ – Led Zeppelin


Another very strenuous day.


I got to Tech and sat with Holly who told me that she’d heard I was getting off with Jenny.  HAH!  Half true.  Only half true.  I WAS CONFUSED.  I half regret my actions, but…  BUT…  I felt a lot of emotion for Jenny Taylor.  I still do.  Maybe as friends.  Hopefully a little more, but…  I misinterpreted my emotions, I suppose.  I NEEDED Jenny.  Certainly.  She’s part of me.  How could I forget her?  Leave her by the wayside now that we are talking again?  I can’t push the memory out.  She did in fact finish with me in January, and I missed her.  All that despisation between then ‘n’ now.  It was merely natural that, finally on speaking terms and almost one year since the EVENTS, we’d see each other again – BUT ONLY TO REMINISCE!  Yes, Jenny fancies me a bit.  I fancy her a bit.  What can you expect?  But I never wanted to leave Justine.  Not really.


‘Canton’ – Japan


Y’know, today is becoming harder and harder to relate to, all the time…


Eventually, I got Roger to deliver a letter to Justine, just basically asking ‘WHY?’  I wrote it in bed last nite.  The bed I’m in now.  The bed SHE slept in!  And during the morning, I chatted freely to Astra Trellis who was very helpful (DID YOU KNOW SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND IN THE HOLS?!  SHOCK, EH?).  As break approached, I became extremely tense.  I was going outta my head with intensity.  But Astra was nice to me.  She asked me who in the world I’d like to have with me as a shoulder to lean on.


These were those:


David Sylvian

Andrew Eldritch

Danyel Gordon


Funny old life, ennit?


‘Body Electric’ – The Sisters of Mercy


At break, I wandered around a bit.  Graham was apparently shitting himself.  Every time I went by, he headed for an exit.  I enjoyed it.  I wanted this guy to be as uncomfortable as I could make him.  I was so angry.  Still.  Eventually, Justine came up to me and spoke to me.  All she said was, ‘I’ll write you a letter back.’


As it happened, when it finally came, Luggage delivered the letter to me.  What did it say?


Well, she wrote it as and when she could, during Maths.  She wanted to say FUCK OFF, but couldn’t because my letter had tugged at her heart strings.  She explains that she’s had a bad time with every boy she’s been out with or been with.  They get her where they want her and then treat her like shit.  In her opinion, that was exactly what was happening with us.  She reminds me that she told me she’d hate me if I ever cheated on her and accuses me of ‘chasing after’ Jenny Taylor.  She doesn’t want any ‘bull’ about ‘just being friends’, saying she knows that I’m ‘after her’ and was considering finishing with Justine.  She says she’s not blind or stupid and this had led to her discussing ‘us’ with her ‘council of advisors’ whose anonymity she maintains.  She says everyone reckons I was being ‘a bit of a bastard’. 


She warns me not have a go at any of the gang or I’ll lose her friendship.


She goes on to tell me that she’s not going out with Graham, as they decided that wasn’t a good idea, as she still feels ‘so cut up’ about seeing me with Jenny yesterday.  She asks me not to give him any hassle.


She says she knew we were going through a ‘bad patch’ and had wanted to talk to me about it on Monday, but I was up town with Jenny.  Justine’s friend Susan saw me.  It was then that Justine decided ‘Fuck him then, I’ve had enough’.


When she got home on Monday nite, she regretted finishing with me.  She asked Luggage to tell me that she wanted to talk, but thought my pride had got in the way, which meant things were well and truly over for us.  She thinks she turned to Graham on the rebound.


What annoys her the most is that I was being hypocritical, spending time with Jenny, but being angry about Justine being with Graham.  Liz told Justine that I was ‘really angry’ yesterday. Justine asks me how I think she felt.


She says we need to talk.  It’s confusing her as she’s torn between her feelings for me and her feelings for her friends.  She says she loves me and she HATES me.  She recommends we meet in her Free Lesson later in the afternoon, suggesting there’s still hope for us.  She makes a point that she hasn’t been ‘nice’ or ‘tried to crawl back’.  She thinks that’s up to me, that this will show her my true feelings.  She bets I can’t believe it. 


‘Well, I told you I was a bitch.’ 


She says I’ve hurt her so much, but she thinks she wants me back.  Even so, she’s worried that I’ll treat her the same all over again.  She says she’s sorry, but she’s just as upset about this as I am – but maybe for different reasons.  She wonders if it was my heart that was damaged or my ego.


She warns that if I show this letter to ‘HER’, then I will have betrayed her.  She hates Jenny and if she finds out Jenny has said anything about her…


‘I'm Her Frankenstein’ – Alien Sex Fiend

What do you think? 


I think a lot of it is totally ungrounded, without evidence.  But I’ve considered everything and have decided to try my luck again with Justine.  After all, she was the one who seemed RIGHT.  And I still had THOSE feelings.


I have to talk to Jenny about it, though.  I mean, imagine…  Jezzer gets back with Justine; Jezzer ‘n’ Jenny in total hassle; will Justine ever let Jezzer talk to Jenny again? etc.  But Jenny won’t be in Tech till Friday.  So I asked Sarah to ring Jenny…




Jenny was still confused about me, though, and I saw drawbacks to all my thoughts.  Sarah told me that Jenny wants to speak to her urgently tonite.  Wonder what that’s about?!


‘A Day In The Life’ – The Beatles


So, I met Justine at 3pm.  We walked into town. 




I can’t remember everything said, so here’s a mess:

She doesn’t go out with Graham.  They were pissing about yesterday.  They saw me with Jenny and decided to show me how it felt to be betrayed.  Justine totally hates Jenny.  Justine is totally of the opinion that I was going to finish with her.  She believes I thought she was setting me up on Saturday, which I don’t.  She’s confused.  So many people have told her varying things.  About me ‘n’ Jenny being in love.  Even one of Jenny’s friends is apparently spying on her.  And a load of mysterious, anonymous ‘friends’ convinced Justine I was a ‘bastard’ and that she should finish with me.  My mates ain’t said nothing bad, though.  Suz tried to keep Justine away from me.  Friends like Susan wanted her to stay with me.  Justine reckons Jenny is using me.  A load of total misinterpretation has taken place.  Justine wanted me back, but believed I was too proud to ask her back again.  Neither of us knows what to do now.  I hate Graham.  She hates Jenny.


We decided to think it over tonight.  Separately.  Independently.




When Justine first met me, she felt ‘This is IT… THE ONE.’


I’m flattered.  Though this COULD BE IT.  And I still don’t know which path to choose:



And worry about talking to other girls, never be able to see her or her friends in the same light again, living in the shadow of all this.  The hassle in my mind.  Both of us using THIS as a weapon.  Her slagging off of Jenny.  My hatred of Graham… No.  No, I feel no hate towards him.



Feel so much love lost, feel as though I ruined our love, miss her, leave that circle due to the pain it’ll cause, start all over again.  See her as a good friend.  Be close?






‘The Experience of Swimming’ – Japan


I’ve written another letter for Justine.



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Next time: ‘Nightporter…’

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