The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Thursday, 19 March 1987

Self-loathing

My No.1: ‘Brand New Moon’ – Gene Loves Jezebel




I’m lower than I’ve ever been in my life.  This is worse than January.  Oh god.  I feel so shit and I just wanna break down and cry.  Today was so insane.  One minute I’d be very moody and serious and the next I’d be stupid and immature.  I’m so confused.  Over nothing, really.  As I’ve said.  It’s just a phase of mental self-destruction.  I’ve never felt so suicidal.  It may not seem worse than my last two depressions, but it is. 



I hope nobody says to me, ‘Oh!  Snap out of it!’  It’s not so easily done all the time.  And this is one instance.



I hate my hair!  I hate my clothes!  I hate myself!



I’m wondering what Dodo is up to, and I want Flash and me to be as we used to.  It’s destroying me now, cos I can feel an air of tension all the time.  I’m so pagged off.  I can’t even explain it.  I sit for yonks, thinking about all the trouble I caused on Feb 14.  It makes me sick of myself, and makes me desire Flash even more.  I need him here with me.  I need him all to myself.  No one has meant so much to me as he.  It’s like we’re the same person in two bodies.  I can’t live without him.  And, it seems, at the same time, I cannot live with what I’ve done to him; this bloke I admire, idolise and love so much.  I’m just stupid.  I’m fuckin’ wankers in the head.  I don’t wanna go to Tech tomorrow.  It’ll send me crazy.  I also get paranoid about my appearance and often hate myself.  And does Dodo want me as much as she said she did?  And, in the same respect, do I want her?  Why have I got no friends livin’ near me?  I wanna get pissed.  I wanna get high.  I had a drag of a fag today, and I only do that when I’m tense.  I’ve got to have money.  I’ve got to get out and get pissed; be happy.  I’ll give it a try on Saturday.  Knowing my luck, I’ll get stuck wi’ shit Jazz.  Oh fuck…



Erasure’s single is okay.  I’ve also got a soft spot for Mel and Kim.



I THINK THE CULT ARE SHITE – ASTBURY’S A GREBO!



Bugger a Cow or summat!









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NEXT TIME: ‘The return of Astra Trellis…’

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