‘Serpent’s Kiss’ – The Mission
‘Perhaps I am a right jyp willy…’ Ritcherd ‘87
YEAR OF THE HARE
Featuring Ritcherd De Winterfood
Now for The Situation: Chronicled!
THE STORY SO FAR…
It all began years back, when Ritcherd was a dosser with a gay haircut, in that dossy land of Pontefract!
He then moved to Doncaster and wore psychedelic-coloured shorts and Jesus sandals. But this hippy lifestyle naffed him off. So he said bugger those wobbly titties, I’m off to Wakefield. Meanwhile, in Castleford, there was another dosser, called Flash Gordon. He was a Doctor Who fanatic and he wore a disgusting purple vest.
Little did these two benders of ye scream know that their paths were soon to cross, nyeh-nyeh!
Ritcherd left Wakefield because it wasn’t v. interesting (but he was at least a centre of attraction) and decided to return to his hometown of Pontefract and then the far horizons of … LEEDS! Meanwhile, the purveyor of the purple vest, Flash Gordon, was now living in a semi-detached house in Castleford, near Ritcherd’s father.
One very startling weekend, Ritcherd visited his father, who introduced him to Flash. Ritcherd thought this chap was groove, but a hint of envy flounced across him as he discovered that Gordon had more Star Wars figures than him. Aach!
They didn’t meet again until 1985, in the v. trendy days of Ritcherd at The King Arthur pub in West Walton, Wisbech, Cambridgeshire and Flash at Gordon Villas, Pontefract, West Yorkshire. One day, Ritcherd turned up, out of the blue, to visit Gordon (who no longer wore a purple vest). The night before, Gordon had been sick down the side of his head and neglected to wash it off. Gordon and Winterfood quickly became intrigued and infatuated with each other, spending an afternoon dossing.
Together, they listened to F-G-T-H and watched Doctor Who.
Like a great fat, whopping pair of soppy cunnies! Ritcherd only stayed on because he was getting a free chicken salad for his efforts. Eventually, the day drew to an end, with Ritcherd mentally vowing never to return to Gordon Villas, but Gordon cunningly offered Ritcherd a read of his diary for a couple of days – and the promise of a pile of 2000AD and Marvel comix if he promised to return. Bribed and conned, Ritcherd felt obliged to return (he could not foresway the offer of a few hundred IPC originals). And so he returned – and was destined to return and return and return.
Over the next few months, the two found themselves maturing together.
Through a mutual liking for ABC they discovered they were pals and told each other that they were best chums. When Ritcherd returned in June (two days after his 15th birthday), Flash’s dad told him he had more school holidays than ‘Soft Mick’. One night, Ritcherd and Flash hit the town and got pissed. For the first time in his life, Ritcherd felt able to tell someone his shameful, yet interesting, secrets. From here there was no going back, and Flash eventually revealed his own true colours. But they got home late! And Gerald (Flash’s dad) began to hate Ritcherd, and whenever Ritcherd tried to stay at Flash’s, Gerald would shun him and send him away! How tragic.
Ritcherd desperately loved Flash, and wanted excitement, adventure and cassette comedies.
THUS, RITCHERD + FLASH MADE LOADS OF TAPES AS ‘THE SITUATION’, BEFORE EVOLVING INTO ‘THE BUMMERS OF AMERICA’. GERALD WALKED OUT ON FLASH, BUT RITCHERD STOOD FIRM. ALL OF A SUDDEN, FLASH WAS GOING OUT WITH DODO LAYNE + 1987 WAS UPON US.
THEN FLASH HELD HIS FATEFUL VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY…
‘Garden of Delight’ – The Mission
I awoke raeght early today, anticipating seeing Flash + Dodo at the Pahtey.
At about 12.20pm, I caught the train from Peterborough to Doncaster – which was a dodgy move in retrospect – telling Flash over the phone that I had set off. On the train, I sat with a family from Doncaster, and finally arrived at 2.30pm-ish. From Doncaster, I caught the 4.10pm bus to Pontefract (on which I’m sure I saw Bill Nelson, or someone who looked very much like him…)
In Pontefract, Flash met me at the station and he said my hair was good. He had a really drastic Fri 13th due to the water tank exploding in his attic room. And also, his dad may get sent to prison for money owed to banks.
At Gordon Villas, he gave me Vally’s cards from him and Dodo. And we started taping. Flash was a little worried that the pahtey would either be shit, or get bracked to bits by some uninvited twets. Luckily, it wasn’t babbered in.
The pahtey was excellent and well worth the money and wait. During the build-up, I felt myself more and more attracted to Dodo, so what happened to us seemed inevitable and I’m sure a lot of people noticed what was going on.
Dodo arrived early and she looked great in a homemade purple dress made of curtains. She’s so brilliant. She caught me unawares.
Eventually, I got ready and looked really morbid. The pahtey started and the first of the guests was Flash’s newest mate, Taz. I was a little wary of him at first…
And so, loads and loads of casuals arrived. There were approx. 70 people, including our Vicky.
Dodo opened her bottle of wine and more or less shared it with me and her friend, Lisa. I stayed with Dodo all the time, early on. Taz gave me lots of Guinness, and then we moved onto the lager. But some people made a mess of the bathroom and I had to help Flash get them out.
From here, I followed the party wherever it went, moving through loads of different rooms. I chatted to Chris Winford, Guthrie, Camilla, Karen, Magger and allsorts o’ others! And then, when Flash wasn’t looking, the inevitable happened between Dodo and me. We were both becoming increasingly pissed and she had begun to hold my hand.
By now, Stan Flowers still hadn’t rung, but his mum had confirmed over the phone that he had indeed set off. So Dodo and I went into Ponty bus station to await his arrival. Tho’ he didn’t arrive, we stayed there a while, kissing and telling each other our true feelings for each other. We both felt guilty about what we were doing, but that only added to the thrill. It reminded me of ABC’s ‘Love’s A Dangerous Language’.
In our moments at the bus station, we arranged that we would write to each other. And I felt so sure that I wanted her more than anything. Except for Flash. Who would kill me if he found out…
Returning to the pahtey, which was all being tape-recorded for The Situation (now the Bummers Of America), and chatted briefly to an old Carleton High schoolmate, Tom Small, and then Sally’s Reynolds and Walters.
I told Taz of mine + Dodo’s plight. He told me he didn’t really blame me. I asked him if he wanted to come back into Ponty later with us to wait for Stan. He said he would. So we did, but Chris Winford came too. I think he was suspicious of Dodo ‘n’ me. Taz distracted him though. He took him off one way, and Dodo + I went another, arranging to meet up at the bus station. We kissed a lot on the way. And we weren’t fooling around. She told me that at Christmas her cousin, Matthew, had asked her if she fancied me. He had to more or less force the truth out of her, but the answer was yes, and she’d fancied me and thought about me ever since…
‘Yin and Yang (The Flowerpot Man)’ – Love and Rockets
Stan still hadn’t arrived, so we all went back to the pahtey, where I got chatting to Watters. Then the dancing started to happen. Taz, Dodo and I danced to The Mission, J+MC and Gene Loves Jezebel. At about 10.30pm, I turned around suddenly and bumped straight into Stan Flowers who’d found his way to the pahtey by ‘getting pissed and turning left at anywhere’!
Dodo and I continued in our wicked fashion, in spite of being absolutely guilt-ridden over Flash.
As the pahtey came to an end, the guests left and Stan, Flash and I did a séance with Flash’s mam, Gerry…
[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 13 July 2011 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
NEXT TIME: ‘A secret kiss…’