Early this morning, after the President’s Ball, I went to Alison’s. Slept over on her sofa.
My No.1: ‘Deborah (TV ’77)’ – Marc Bolan
Today, at Tech, I began to feel appalled at myself and I don’t know why!
MY LIFE IS FUCK!
MY IMAGE IS SCRUFFY!
I SKIVE TOO MANY LESSONS!
I AM HATED BY MY PARENTS!
I DREAM TOO MUCH!
I HAVE NO MOTIVATION!
I ONLY LIVE TO SEE Flash (and Dodo) AGAIN!
I feel a bit better now, but that’s probably thanks more to the letter Flash sent. It’s great. Why do I love him so much? (Ho-ho-ho!)
HE IS NO LONGER A VIRGIN, BY THE WAY!
and so the day shits on. And on…
Roll on, February 14th, and last forever, before I die. Before I die.
The light flickers. I’m staring at the sky in the hope of a saviour. Why is it all wrong? Why is it all wrong? What did I do? What can I say? The last day I ever lived gets nearer every day. The Man and his Dodo, and JEZ are so far away. Welcome back, WINTERfood!
‘Forbidden Colours’ – Ryuichi Sakamoto
My favourite groups are really TRENDY (Sheenie!), but that’s the way it’s going this week. Just for a change!
So, who have I nearly conned into going to Nodrog’s aermarzing paertie? Danny Smegwin, Sarah George (but I hope she doesn’t go now, cos she’s really awful when she’s with Jen – more about whom later), Nyall, Roger… That’s abart it. Oh! And Stan Flowers. But I betcha none of ‘em go, just me! All alone. And I don’t care. I don’t really want any of my so-called ‘mates’ to go. I’d like to get away from ‘em, actually. Just me and Flash and Dodo and our mutual friendship, that’s what I want. Love. Affection and togetherness.
‘AS LONG AS I GO, IT’S ALL RIGHT…’
I only want my ‘mates’ to go because Flash wants to meet ‘em! Oh. GOD!!! Just listening to ‘Forbidden Colours’ reminds me…
I WAS GAY!
I WAS GAY!
WAS I GAY?
I never talk about it, because… No. I wasn’t gay. I am not gay. But I had gay sex. When I was a kid, my cousin – our Jeff (a year younger than me) – convinced me that I should bum him, and that he should bum me. I let him, because I was confused and scared and I knew no different. For years, if he wasn’t fighting me or picking on me he was bumming me and I let him. He was my cousin and because of that I loved him. And I let him abuse me because I was scared and intrigued. I wish it had never happened and I resent him for it.
A love-heart explodes, spraying spunk across my exercise books…
DO i CARE?!
Why should I?
Question is: who taught that poor sod that kids bumming other kids was a good idea?
‘Shooting Sun’ – Siouxsie and the Banshees
A word or two about Jenny:
I HATE HER. SHE’S SO CHILDISH! I MEAN, WHEREAS FLASH AND I ARE CREATIVELY CHILDISH, JEN IS DOWNRIGHT RIDICULOUS. I HATE HER. WHY DID I EVER GO OUT WITH HER!!!???
SHE’S A REAAIGHT FARKIN PYLE O’ SLYPPURI SHAAIYYIGHT.
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NEXT TIME: ‘Ghosts of yesterday…’