The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Thursday, 29 January 1987

Sense of Doubt

Early this morning, after the President’s Ball, I went to Alison’s.  Slept over on her sofa. 

My No.1: ‘Deborah (TV ’77)’ – Marc Bolan

Today, at Tech, I began to feel appalled at myself and I don’t know why!



MY LIFE IS FUCK!
MY IMAGE IS SCRUFFY!
I SKIVE TOO MANY LESSONS!
I AM HATED BY MY PARENTS!
I DREAM TOO MUCH!
I HAVE NO MOTIVATION!
I ONLY LIVE TO SEE Flash (and Dodo) AGAIN!



I

AM

A

TWAT!


I feel a bit better now, but that’s probably thanks more to the letter Flash sent.  It’s great.  Why do I love him so much?  (Ho-ho-ho!)

HE IS NO LONGER A VIRGIN, BY THE WAY!

(worra perv!)



and so the day shits on.  And on…

Roll on, February 14th, and last forever, before I die.  Before I die.

The light flickers.  I’m staring at the sky in the hope of a saviour.  Why is it all wrong?  Why is it all wrong?  What did I do?  What can I say?  The last day I ever lived gets nearer every day.  The Man and his Dodo, and JEZ are so far away.  Welcome back, WINTERfood!



‘Forbidden Colours’ – Ryuichi Sakamoto

My favourite groups are really TRENDY (Sheenie!), but that’s the way it’s going this week.  Just for a change! 

So, who have I nearly conned into going to Nodrog’s aermarzing paertie?  Danny Smegwin, Sarah George (but I hope she doesn’t go now, cos she’s really awful when she’s with Jen – more about whom later), Nyall, Roger… That’s abart it.  Oh!  And Stan Flowers.  But I betcha none of ‘em go, just me!  All alone.  And I don’t care.  I don’t really want any of my so-called ‘mates’ to go.  I’d like to get away from ‘em, actually.  Just me and Flash and Dodo and our mutual friendship, that’s what I want.  Love.  Affection and togetherness.

‘AS LONG AS I GO, IT’S ALL RIGHT…’


I only want my ‘mates’ to go because Flash wants to meet ‘em!  Oh.  GOD!!!  Just listening to ‘Forbidden Colours’ reminds me…



I WAS GAY!

GOD!

I WAS GAY!



WAS I?

WAS I GAY?



I never talk about it, because… No.  I wasn’t gay.  I am not gay.  But I had gay sex.  When I was a kid, my cousin – our Jeff (a year younger than me) – convinced me that I should bum him, and that he should bum me.  I let him, because I was confused and scared and I knew no different.  For years, if he wasn’t fighting me or picking on me he was bumming me and I let him.  He was my cousin and because of that I loved him.  And I let him abuse me because I was scared and intrigued.  I wish it had never happened and I resent him for it. 

WHY?

A love-heart explodes, spraying spunk across my exercise books…

DO i CARE?!



Why should I?



Question is: who taught that poor sod that kids bumming other kids was a good idea?

‘Shooting Sun’ – Siouxsie and the Banshees



A word or two about Jenny:



I HATE HER.  SHE’S SO CHILDISH!  I MEAN, WHEREAS FLASH AND I ARE CREATIVELY CHILDISH, JEN IS DOWNRIGHT RIDICULOUS.  I HATE HER.  WHY DID I EVER GO OUT WITH HER!!!???



SILLY COW!



SHE’S A REAAIGHT FARKIN PYLE O’ SLYPPURI SHAAIYYIGHT.



SLAHRGE!













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NEXT TIME: ‘Ghosts of yesterday…’

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