The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Monday, 12 January 1987

Ice Age Warning

Listening to David Bowie’s “Heroes” album.

‘ICE AGE WARNING FROM WEATHER MEN’ Daily Mail

What a ber-luddy understatement.  My nackers could just drop off, you know!!!



‘FAYOUKK YOW!’ said the man with no balls.



It is approximately 9.30pm and I’ve had a right Willy Wonker of a day, I have.  Yes.  I have. 

Eh? 

You saying I haven’t, eh? 



Yow wannanack? 

Eh?  Eh? 

Well, tough.  Because my mind is too pure to stoop to the level of needless, abhorrent violence. 



I think!

Well.  I was disturbed from my slumber approximately half an hour too early, i.e. 6.45am, because Freddie had to set off to fix a fer-riggin’ lorry (Yes, chids, even tho’ my mind is pure and seeks fulfilment, I am allowing myself to swear because it helps you, the reader, empathise with my frustrations and because I don’t mean it, do I, Jez, me ol’ mate?!).  So, without a shave, without crimping my hair, no make-up, etc., Freddie dropped me off at bastard Wisbech St Mary bus stop where I waited for the 7.10am bus – which never arrived. 


Whilst I was waiting, Trevor, the bastard who thought he was raight hard in Summer ’86 and October ’85 walked by.  I stared him straight in the face all the way down and he flinched as he passed me by and pretended he hadn’t noticed me.  What a fuckin’ shit.

A bus finally arrived at 8.15am, by which time it was snowing like Fook.  It was about six inches deep in Wisbech, so I went to BURGER ME for a cuppa and put my make-up on in their bogs.

By the way, it was 8.30am when I reached Wisbech and my Tech bus had been gone 25 minutes already.



I then went to Lucille’s shop (that’s Lucille, Freddie’s sister) and huddled in the warm, adding the final touches to my make-up.  And still the snow threw its icy mass at the poor defenceless Earth.  Lucille told me how a lot of schools had closed, and wondered whether Tech was open or not.  She gave me a pound for some breakfast and I set off for King’s Lynn on the 9.50am bus.

Once in King’s Lynn, I headed straight for Tech.  On the way, getting absolutely fucked in by the snow, I bumped into Jarvis Worlledge who said that if I wanted I could go back to his place for a few beers in the afternoon.  I told him I’d think about it.



Tech was more or less empty.  As no one else was, I decided not to go to any lessons.  And still the snow fell like fookah!  In the Common Room, I sat and chatted with Alison and Roger and said hello to Nyall.  Eventually, Alison, Roger and I decided to go to THE VIDEODOME, but it was shut due to ice in the water pipes.  I felt that that had fooked the day ep!  So we wandered into town, and I’m glad to say I’m getting on REALLY well with Roger.  Of the two Watson brothers, I’m forming a great friendship with Roger, as Nyall and I are slowly becoming respectful rivals. 

In Sainsbury’s, I bought a doughnut and it was ‘Acker’!  Then we all went back to Tech, where I sat and watched this girl I quite fancy, talking to her friend.  I don’t really know who they are.



Sadie wasn’t here today unfortunately.  Pooh!

Jarvis arrived and I eventually decided it’d be best to stay at Tech rather than go to his, cos Alison and Roger were in danger of freezing to death and I felt I ought to be there with ‘em.  As our buses were going to leave at 3.15pm, Jarvis suggested I go to his house when I reached Wisbech at about 4pm.  I agreed.

Alison, Roger and I then went to THE VIDEODOME, which had decided to open.  Inside, we watched the SISTERS OF MERCY Albert Hall video. 

Yes!  THE VIDEODOME’s videos are back.

Roger wants to borrow some SITUATION tapes, and wants to write some songs with me.  Good, eh?  Once back at Tech, he and I began to feel immature and so played in the lifts.

At 3.15pm, I set off home on the Tech bus, chatting to Monica Roseman, of course.  We talked about sex and boyfriends/girlfriends.  Why do I lust after her body?!!  I bet she thinks I’m some shite.



At Jarvis’s, I had a few lagers and I asked him to play the Dead Dead song ‘Hitting That Low’ on his keyboard and then on his piano.  He’s going to record ‘em for me, so I can sing over ‘em.  Well skilliant!!!

So.  I am home.  Trying to feel warm by listening to ‘summery’ Situation cassettes.  And guess what the weather’s doing?!  Yup!  SNOWING, y’basterd!  If it’s really bad tomorrow, I don’t have to go to Tech, and I think my parents’ll keep me at home.  But I think I’d rather go to Tech to see Monica, Sadie (if she turns up) and Roger, so I can give him a tape.  Anyway, Tech’s a doss.  I’d have to do ‘house’ ‘work’ if I stayed at home.  Oh well.  I hope I go to Tech!

“SNOW”


by

Santa Claus



Snow is FukkiN KahK

It’s a pile o’ toss

Everything goes white

And i think Your’e all shite



How fucking nice!  It’s about ten minutes later now and Betty has just announced that Jack is going to be moving into my bedroom in the near future.



oh

God



I shouldn’t be subjected to this at my age.  It’s all because of that bloody baby!!! [with whom I’d never be without.  I love you, Chip – love, Ritcherd, 1998]



WHY ME?!!!



If Jack moves in here, there’ll be no room, no privacy for me.  God!  I’m nearly 17!  I need a room of my own.  I’m an adult according to Tech and all that Educational Shit!!!

 

JEZ!

 

I’M

LOSING

CONTROL…

DON’T

LEAVE ME, JEZ…



HOLD ME DOWN…



KEEP ME COOL…



I know other brothers share rooms, but they shouldn’t have to.  I’ve thought about it before and I think now is the time for me to seriously consider leaving.  I just mentioned it to Betty and she said it might be a good idea…



JEZ!!!



SAVE ME!!!



JEZ,

I’M CRYING…

NO!




STOP IT!



STOP IT!



STOP IT!



THINK!



Later:

Listening to David Bowie’s Lodger album.

All is well.  I am calm.  Nothing can change my perfect perception of the world.  Yet, there is a minor worry…



I hope we can remain stable.




[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction.  Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.  Never forget: no man is an island.  If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 13 July  2011 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]



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