The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Thursday, 18 December 1986

Parcel from Alison

‘Reel Around the Fountain’ – The Smiths

A week from Christmas Day and I’m billy dead chuffed…

Why do I miss Jenny this much?  I love you, Jenny, always on my mind.  Look!  Listen!  The Smiths are on now, even tho’ it’s 7.40am…

Today I work again in Gippoland Yard.  And tomorrow.  Then onto Flash’s!  At last!

I’ve got a bastard of a cold, a grimy zit on my nose and a macker cold-sore on my lip, so I’m gonna look billy nice when I get to Flash’s!  People’re gonna like me, much!


6.15pm (approx).

I’ve just received a parcel in Ver Post.  Who sent it?  Dunno, I ain’t opened it yet.  See you in a bit…


‘Wave’ – David Sylvian

For Jenny.

The parcel was a Christmas present from Alison, my old flame.  Some Man’s Best Friend bog roll (covered in pictures of that sentient cartoon penis) and a little crab with googly eyes. Strange, eh?  Nice thought, though.  Cheered me up, ackcheloi.

She also enclosed a letter.  She apolgised for the present not being very Japanese (she knows I like oriental stuff) but she couldn’t get what she wanted to get me – whatever that was – as ‘they’d all gone, so you’ll have to put up with a bog roll and a crab!’  She says she thinks it’s suitable as ‘you are always so proud of your somewhat exceedingly lengthy willy!’  Right…

She goes on to discuss the Christmas holidays and asks if I’ve seen Flash or my Dad yet.  I wish!  She asks me to say hello to them and offers Flash her undying love and a big kiss. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m just having a mad fit at the moment.’ 

She also asks if I’ll be at the Angles rehearsals, and mentions that she saw Jarvis in town. He told her that we got pissed-up on Friday afternoon.  She also says she’s been in touch with Wanda and they’re both finding the holidays boring.  Even so, she says the holiday has come at the right time for her.  She was sure she was about to crack up completely towards the end of the last week of term, what with Jazz and Daryl.  She hopes Jazz will have pulled himself together and forgotten all about her after Christmas (Jarvis doesn’t think so, but she lives in hope), and Daryl should have ‘got a job, or have realised that there is more to life than druling over a stupid cow like me!’ 

‘Sorry about all that, just going into a slight frenzy.  I must be such a bitch, but it’s hard cheddar.  You’d think people would have learned to see straight through me by now.’

She goes on to tell me that not much has happened since tech broke up.  She also hopes I don’t mind her sending me a pressie.  She doesn’t really know why she got me the crab ‘(if it is a crab)’; she had seen a monkey with a pot-belly, but it was chipped and they refused to sell it to her.

She signs off hoping I’ll have great Christmas, passing a ‘hello’ to Betty, Freddie + Jack. 

Then she more or less tells me she loves me.  In a roundabout way…

Tonight, the ‘family’ went to Peterborough, and I bought Flash’s Christmas present: ‘I Want Everything’ 12-inch by The Godfathers. 

I hope he hasn’t already bought himself it…

Well, Christmas Day is a week away, and hopefully this time next week I’ll be happy.  I’m not well chuffed today, I can tell thee.  No way, Jose!  Life’s a doss.  I’m in a decline image-wise.  My hair has decided to naturally fall into an inflexibly useless pose!  I’m very tempted to cut it all off and have a mohecan; but I want to grow it so I can crimp and backcomb it!

Favourite Quotes from the Letters Of Jenny and Me:


Bring some tapes and don’t forget your toothbrush!


I am obsessed … I now declare my undying affection for your leggings…


I don’t want to lose you, I need you so much…


I need you.  You’re a lifeline…


Another ambition is to get you down Paradise Lane…


I send you all my love … When can I get better acquainted with your legs again?


You liar, you fiend, you caitiff…

There’s loads more, but I can’t be arsed cos I’m falling asleep.  I’m q. ready for bed, so

as to get up early for work tomorrow…


Soon, I’ll be with Flash and my life will seem complit again. 

No!  I’m not gay.  Just affectionate and I appreciate my friends.  And, dear reader, if you can’t accept me loving people, or being ‘over’ friendly about my best mate, then you’re bloody narrow-minded and very stupid.

Flash makes my heart beautiful.

Listening to ‘Wave’ has me thinking of Jenny again.  She must really underestimate my feelings for her…

See you tomorrow.

My No.1: ‘Wave’ – David Sylvian

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction.  Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.  Never forget: no man is an island.  If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 13 July  2011 and is intended to cover this and all posts on that precede it]

NEXT TIME: ‘Christmas II: The Alternative…’

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