The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Friday, 26 December 1986

Boxing Day 1986

‘Yassassin’ – David Bowie


I didn’t ring Flash back yesterday as Betty wouldn’t let me.  Fuck!

What am I gonna do about my report?!

Did you like my 1980 Kicks Show?  I hope it proved something about me…

The Year of The Tiger was a bold new beginning for me.  That’s obvious.  But what about The Year of The Hare?  It’s probably going to be a cowardly end…

…to my life…

I often told Flash I’d be dead before the end of ’87, and I’ve always felt in my heart that I’d die before my 20th birthday.  A ‘romantic’ vision, I suppose…

…but not any more…

I want to go and die.  Right now.  I really do.

I’m not living 4 much, am I?

DON’T BE UNGRATEFUL!

Yes, I know I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, but…

I’ve fouled up.  When my parents see my report, they’ll withdraw me from Tech.  And if they do … I promise you, I will commit suicide.  Or attempt it, at least.  I promise you…

If my life doesn’t end in ’87, then there must be hope… 

I seriously believe I’m schizophrenic.  I don’t really know who I am or why I do the things I do or what I want…

Except love…

And death…

’87: The Year of The Hare.  The 1980 Heaven Show…

Why do I hate living so much?

People despise me.  I’m a failure (no 2 ways about that).  And my ‘secret’ past… the secret childhood sex I never wanted.  Will I return to that?!  Discover I am 'gay' after all and return to that?

‘Cracked Actor’ – David Bowie


I decided I wanted to be an actor this year…

I’ll go mad or die…

AND I WANT TO DIE by my own hand…

and I still love my people:       BMW, Flash, Alison, Jen, Betty, Jon and everybody…

FAiLURE




A shrouded woman, prays to the heavens…

Hang on, Marc, I’m coming…

                                                SOON!

                                                                       

Later:


‘All the Young Dudes’ – David Bowie


Lament me, pretty one; I’m dying while my world’s still young.  I’m an open box of happiness; empty, contents stolen.  I can’t explain it in a song, I can’t explain it at all.  I can’t explain.  I’m the Man Who Doesn’t Know How To Live.



‘I don’t need TV

When I’ve got T Rex…’

‘How do you let all your problems breeze past?’ Alison F., 1980 Kicks

‘Leave me alone!’  His face was pained.

‘…and a vision of god..?’

‘Leave him alone!’ said the others.

I’m sorry, Alison…

‘Don’t wanna stay alive…’

My childhood ‘colours’ were Forbidden…

‘Help me,’ he shouted…

Portrait of…

Death like an old BEGGAR…

You cannot shake that feeling.  That sense of doom.  It can surround people, and you can tell:  ‘That’s it.  They won’t last…’  Doom did not surround me.  Doom ate me away from the inside.  All it ever wanted was me to give the order that it should stop.  But would I?

Ritcherd WINTERfood, ’80 Kicks

Terminus

And the band played on…

Across and empty field, I see him, doomed; Winterfood minus form.  He was born a fool, without a presence.  His heart is battered, his hope is torn.

Dead The Dead, ’80 Kicks (or was it ’80 Live Part Two?)

‘You mustn’t worry,’ he told himself.  But he knew he would…



  ‘Hold on.  It’s not the end of the world.’

 ‘Smile.  It might never happen!’

‘Your spots look alright today!’

‘Get out of College!’

‘Grind the boy down!’

‘Fuck his arse by the railway lines!’

And who knows what lies beyond that garden, where the spectre feeds and the worms curl?

When?



[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction.  Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.  Never forget: no man is an island.  If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 13 July  2011 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

NEXT TIME: ‘Always crashing…’

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