TWELVE YEARS FROM NOW…
‘Pop’ – The Shamen
A letter from Lilith that dared to tell me that Robert has asked her to marry him! Not one to be sensible and look at her previous marriage as an example [SHE WILL BE DIVORCED BY JUNE ‘99], she has said yes. Of course [UNTIL SHE’S DIVORCED] they have a long engagement ahead of them. She knows this is not easy news for me, but she says she didn’t want to keep me in the dark about it – oh, and that she wants us to be best friends, w/o secrets. She says I’m still her best friend, despite us no longer being together; despite the fact that she’s in Washington and I’m in St Albans. Right. And you know what? I actually believe she means it. But that’s going to change VERY soon, isn’t it? So why do we even need to bother playing this game?
How I hate my life. I lost my chance with Lilith, and I lose all my chances. Look at the way I’ve acted with Jen, when I know I desire her so very much. So much. So what is it that holds me back? It’s ghosts. That’s what. I know this. The ghosts of my life – in Jen’s case, my inability to move on from the Lilith paradigm. I still haven’t learnt about grabbing my opportunities, have I? For fuck’s sake, I had better do. I really had.
So, now what do I do? I don’t know. I should call Jen and talk to her, but I won’t. I can’t. I really made a fuck-up of last weekend. And it just wouldn’t be fair to use someone like that, who feels the way she feels about me (I hope) as therapy – especially as she’s about to leave for an entirely different continent.
This is what I do, isn’t it? I find women, complicated women who want to live on other continents. Maybe it’s me that drives them there.
So now Lilith’s happy and I am so alone. Why?
Oh god, why?
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