The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Sunday, 30 November 1986

Twelve Years From Now: 30/11/98


‘Pop’ – The Shamen


A letter from Lilith that dared to tell me that Robert has asked her to marry him!  Not one to be sensible and look at her previous marriage as an example [SHE WILL BE DIVORCED BY JUNE ‘99], she has said yes.  Of course [UNTIL SHE’S DIVORCED] they have a long engagement ahead of them.  She knows this is not easy news for me, but she says she didn’t want to keep me in the dark about it – oh, and that she wants us to be best friends, w/o secrets.  She says I’m still her best friend, despite us no longer being together; despite the fact that she’s in Washington and I’m in St Albans.  Right.  And you know what?  I actually believe she means it.  But that’s going to change VERY soon, isn’t it?  So why do we even need to bother playing this game?

How I hate my life.  I lost my chance with Lilith, and I lose all my chances.  Look at the way I’ve acted with Jen, when I know I desire her so very much.  So much.  So what is it that holds me back?  It’s ghosts.  That’s what.  I know this.  The ghosts of my life – in Jen’s case, my inability to move on from the Lilith paradigm.  I still haven’t learnt about grabbing my opportunities, have I?  For fuck’s sake, I had better do.  I really had.

So, now what do I do?  I don’t know.  I should call Jen and talk to her, but I won’t.  I can’t.  I really made a fuck-up of last weekend.  And it just wouldn’t be fair to use someone like that, who feels the way she feels about me (I hope) as therapy – especially as she’s about to leave for an entirely different continent. 

This is what I do, isn’t it?  I find women, complicated women who want to live on other continents.  Maybe it’s me that drives them there.

So now Lilith’s happy and I am so alone.  Why?

Oh god, why?

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NEXT TIME: ‘Back to 1986…’

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