The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Wednesday, 18 December 1985

...And A Partridge In A Bear Tree

‘Nikita’ – Elton John


Episode 74: More Boring Songs…

Out of all the mates at school, there was only Dave and Trellis (Astra) there today. Tut! Tut! Tut! What an excuse these strikes are for a day off, eh?

BILLY!
AND A PARTRIDGE IN A BEAR TREE!


Drama was good today.

I rang Flash tonight. I am going to see him next Monday.

And now, issue one of…

TALES OF SUSPENSE
One day in the 1970s, little Ritcherd is at his dad’s house. Ritcherd’s dad is friendly with little Flash’s dad – so the inevitable happened…

RITCHERD’S DAD: Ritcherd, meet Flash.
RITCHERD: Hello.
FLASH’S DAD: Flash, meet Ritcherd.
FLASH: Hello.
RITCHERD: I’m Ritcherd. (Flash is a nob head)
FLASH: I’m Flash. (Ritcherd is a scabfart)

Over the next few hours, not a lot ensued.

RITCHERD: (Fanny)
FLASH: (Willy)

At last! The day ended!

But, in 1985, Ritcherd began to yearn for a life of comedy. He decided to find out if anybody needed an out of work comedian. Looking in the paper, he saw an ad that read:

WANTED: COMEDIAN FOR A ‘SITUATION’ AT YORKSHIRE TOWDE

RITCHERD: Ahhh! So!

He got on his ‘Honda’ and cycled to the Yorkshire Towde Building. And once inside…

RITCHERD: I wanna job!
DOGBOLTER: Step dis way!

And at the audition…

RITCHERD: Yaah! Roooaadrunner, roadrunnah!
DOGBOLTER: No! No! Send in Flash!
RITCHERD: (Flash?)
FLASH: ‘Loove’s a dang’russ la-a-hangwidge!’
DOGBOLTER: You’ll be a perfect duo!

And this time the day went on forever. The Situation really worked. But it was hopeless.

Crap-Comix Ltd, 1985.

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 4 years ago:
‘I got my school report:

CARLETON
HIGH SCHOOL

GENERAL COMMENT

NAME: RITCHERD JONES
FORM: 14
NO. OF TIMES LATE: 6
NO. OF TIMES ABSENT: 4

Ritcherd’s punctuality has improved, but dinner money is frequently late. A pleasant, well behaved lad.
E. Walsh FORM TEACHER

I hope Ritcherd will try to achieve grades as good as his English in more subjects next term. He does have some difficulties, but must always pay attention.
M. Barry YEAR HEAD

MATHEMATICS
ATTAINMENT
E
EFFORT B
Ritcherd always tries hard. He must try and learn the basics of the subject. Tables are very weak.

HISTORY
ATTAINMENT
C/D
EFFORT C
Ritcherd’s work is average grade in content but below average in standard of presentation. He is attentive, shows interest and takes part in oral work. He must work harder in the new year and improve his standards in all respects.

METALWORK
ATTAINMENT
C
EFFORT
C
Does not pay attention and therefore cannot always get on with his work. Can do better, I am sure.

WOODWORK
ATTAINMENT
C
EFFORT C
Must try to concentrate more, does not appear to be paying attention at times.

FRENCH
ATTAINMENT
C
EFFORT
B-
Quiet in class, but his recent test result was quite encouraging.

P.E.
ATTAINMENT
C
EFFORT B
Average ability for the year – but obviously enjoys the subject.

ART
ATTAINMENT
A
EFFORT
B
Ritcherd is the only child in the group to achieve an ‘A’ for attainment. All work done so far has been to a high (and imaginative) standard.

ENGLISH
ATTAINMENT
A
EFFORT
A
Ritcherd has produced some excellent work this term. He is a capable boy with a lively imagination and a keen interest in the subject. He has good command of basic skills and a reasonable level of accuracy. If he maintains this level of effort, he will be successful.

R.E.
ATTAINMENT
C+
EFFORT
B-
Ritcherd has worked reasonably well, but presentation needs attention. Generally quite a satisfactory term’s work.

GEOGRAPHY
ATTAINMENT
C/D
EFFORT C
Ritcherd is slow and makes little oral contribution to classwork. He is much too reserved.

SCIENCE
ATTAINMENT
E/D
EFFORT
B+
Ritcherd has tried, despite the difficulties he finds with the subject. He must make every effort to continue to progress in the future.

MUSIC
ATTAINMENT
C+
EFFORT
B
A satisfactory start in this subject.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative and contextual purposes / No copyright infringement is intended.]

Special thanks to Waen Shepherd

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