The Winterfood Diaries

The Winterfood Diaries

Friday, 7 September 1990

Loughrigg

‘Hymn’ – Vangelis

The morning began with a wonderful breakfast at Bill’s: grapefruit segments, followed by a plate of sausages, egg, fried bread and tomatoes, followed by toast and marmalade and plenty of tea.  This was then followed by many, many refills of tea and toast. 

We later chatted to Bill who told us how we might proceed with our ‘northern’ exploration (as opposed to last year’s ‘southern’ exploration) of the lakes.  He recommended that we go to Loughrigg, a minor mountain, or perhaps more accurately, a hill or fell, to the north-west of Windermere.

Taking his advice, Flash and I began the journey by catching a boat to Waterhead.  The trip was very enjoyable, and from Waterhead we walked into Ambleside.  At Ambleside we looked in the various bookshops.  I bought RETURN OF THE SHADOW, a dissection of Tolkien’s writing of THE LORD OF THE RINGS


…and we had lunch in a greasy cafĂ©.

‘River’ – Enya

We then caught a bus to Rydal and walked from there to Loughrigg, slowly ascending the fell and enjoying our views of the beautiful country around us: the lakes and mountains that make up the region south of Grasmere; and there in the near-distance, making up the bulk of the horizon, was Helvellyn mountain, huge and terrible.

Loughrigg was great, despite the appearance of a rather irate ram which leapt from the bracken and seem quite prepared to attack us.  Fortunately it didn’t and we made our way slowly and in peace, getting lost in the process.  We walked back down through the woods, alongside Rydal Water, opposite White Moss Common and finally caught a bus back to Ambleside, walking back, once more, to Waterhead. 

At Waterhead, we were amazed at the sheer volume of Asian tourists and spent a happy time watching the beautiful girls on the return ferry.  Honestly, I have seen some truly beautiful females in the Lake District this year.

‘Heart Like A Wheel’ – The Human League

After a clean-up at Bill’s, we ate lasagne at the JOHN PEEL.  Here, I observed some ‘alternative’ types for the first time in our stay.

After the pub shut, we wanted to go to a nite club, but none of them would let us in, so shag them.  


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]


Next time: ‘Making Friends…’

Thursday, 6 September 1990

HOLIDAY 1990

‘Get Back’ – The Beatles

I walked from Kellington to Whitley Bridge early in the morning and caught a train to Leeds where I looked around shops and things until Flash arrived.

We then caught the National Express coach to Windermere (changing at Preston).  We’d chosen Windermere again because it was easy, and we knew it would be cheap (despite the fact that if Raquel found out, she’d get jealous and go crazy like a loony at Flash).

The bus journey was great, and as far as ‘Ritch ‘n’ Flash’ are concerned (both as friends and as ‘The Situation’), things are very solid and strong.

Despite bus jyp at Preston, we finally arrived at Windermere in the early evening.  Of course, it was raining, and we had decided to walk all the way down to Bowness – until we saw a bus and caught that instead!  We knew that as soon as we got to Bowness, we’d go to see our old friend from last year, Bill, at his wonderful B&B: FISH RESTAURANT.  And we did; paid for a room and settled in.  Bill, naturally, didn’t remember us, but even so, we quickly built up a great rapport with him.

‘Two of Us’ – The Beatles

It is great to be back in the old surroundings, though it isn’t perhaps as exciting as a new locale might have been, but still: it is refreshing and beautiful.

It’s already feeling very therapeutic for me; my Portsmouth aggression and bitterness shrugging itself off me and revealing something rather more calm and contented.  I think the real me is starting to peep through.

We wanted to go for a bar meal at the crap pub we had a bar meal in last year, but the sign on the door said ‘COUPLES ONLY’ (‘ho-ho-ho!’, we thought; jolly reflections of last year).  So we went to a fish ‘n’ chip shop called BUMMER JONES (or something) and had sausage and chips.

Afterwards, we found a pub called THE JOHN PEEL, that last year had refused to serve Flash and Raquel but this year embraced Ritch and Flash.  This is going to become our ‘local’, I think.  We ended up ‘fancying’ two of the bar staff, which was a source of great interest to us both and looks set to be for the next few evenings.  We drank about five pints each, too.  Theakston’s Fucking Crap (or something), which is gorgeous, though I think it’s given me a rather squidgy bottom…

After a long chat with a bar female, short trot around the bay, and a piss on the promenade, we have come ‘home’ to bed.




[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]


Next time: ‘Loughrigg…’

Wednesday, 5 September 1990

It's All Too Much

LATE

‘It’s All Too Much’ – The Beatles

Today, I went to Leeds to meet Stan.  He had his girlfriend Shirley Gaye with him and she’s a really nice person.  Her vocation in life is writing and she’s well-read, articulate and very clever.  He’s lucky to be with such a creative and interesting female.

Stan’s settled in up here and we had a brilliantly drunken afternoon.  I liked him a lot.

Saw Elbow as well and he’s good.  We had chips and saw Flash pass us by on a bus.

I like Elbow.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]


Next time: ‘More zany antics…’

Tuesday, 4 September 1990

I Like Flash

‘Groove Is In the Heart’ – Dee-Lite

Today, Flash and I did very little, but THE BEATLES matter a lot.



I still enjoy Flash’s company far and above anyone else’s and he’s really the only person I know who can utterly lift my spirits and have me in stitches, just like that.  Yes, even if things are a lot less kinetic and zany and wacky and crazy between us these days.  I think we’re both still interested in the friendship.  Drifting apart through the coming changes seems less likely now than it once did.  He’s the only person I’ve met that I feel truly compatible with.  Hoping to meet someone more compatible would be to push my imagination to its limits.

I like Flash.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]


Next time: ‘It’s All Too Much…’

Monday, 3 September 1990

Perceive

12am

‘Theme from Antarctica’ – Vangelis

She came back ages ago.  She wasn’t particularly any of the things I expected her to be.  Oh god, this is like some terrible play.  I hope I can get out of it tomorrow.

I reckon if my life continues in this vein, then I’ll be heading for a mental breakdown.  It’s on the cards.  I just hope next week creates a diversion – pastoral laziness and eye-murdering beauty.  And fun, if Stan and Flash are tuned in.

Oh fuck.  It’s me, isn’t it?  Don’t ask what, cos I don’t know.  But it is, isn’t it?

It’s me.

FEG.

Miranda’s writing to Mark now… 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAmen.

All my love
Ritcherd
Tiredheart
xxx
xx

DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU…



YOU’RE ALONE ON A VERY ENLIGHTENING JOURNEY.  YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE.  WHAT MAY NOT LIKE YOU WHAT SEE.  BUT YOU WILL SURVIVE.  CONSTANTLY GROWING, ADAPTING, CHANGING, EMBRACING AND REJECTING.  REMEMBER: YOU ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS…

‘Stand By Me’ – John Lennon


FUCK!

I GET SO PISSED OFF!

LISTEN TO ALL THOSE SITUATION TAPES.  WATCH THE CHINESE PLAY + MANSFIELD PARK + THE PANTOMIMES + LOOT + MACBETH + TEST OF COMPASSION.  READ MY FRANKENSTEIN, MY DIARIES, MY LETTERS, MY POETRY.  LISTEN TO SUGARBLOOD, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC OF DARK IS DESIRE, READ ALL THOSE SONGS.  CONSIDER BERWIN GROOMSTOOL.  COUNT MY QUALIFICATIONS.  IF YOU MUST, THEN EXAMINE MY HAPHAZARD LIFE.  EXAMINE MY CONSTANTLY CHANGING APPEARANCE; SEE HOW ADAPTABLE AND EVER-CHANGING I AM.  COUNT MY FRIENDS AND CONCEIVE OF THE WAYS IN WHICH I HAVE TOUCHED AND AFFECTED THEIR LIVES; FOR BETTER OR WORSE, I HAVE MADE AN IMPACT ON THEM ALL.  CHRIST, COUNT THE GIRLS I’VE BEEN EMOTIONALLY/PHYSICALLY INVOLVED WITH.  TELL ME THEN… IF I AM SO CREATIVE, SO CAPABLE, THEN... WHY?  WHY AM I STUCK IN A LIMBO WITH NO WAY OF GETTING MYSELF OUT THERE?

OH, I’M GONNA SHOW YOU, YOU FUCKING CRAP BASTARDS.




I FUCKING WELL AM.














PERCEIVE














PERSEVERE














PERVERSE














Later:

‘Get Back’ – The Beatles

This day is CRAP.

I just read, and I enjoyed it.  Better than making feeble conversation.  Honestly, I sat looking at her in a mirror opposite and found myself wondering how gorgeous it might feel to kill her.  I decided to relieve myself of the sudden aggressive instinct by pissing in their sink.  A good ‘fuck off’ gesture, I thought.


Later:

EARLY AM:



‘A Day In The Life’ – The Beatles

LAST NITE’S DREAM…

I was in an old building like a school, with various adults (my Dad was one of them) and we were making jokes and doing silly voices about something we’d heard about a girl that was leaving home to marry a man from the motor trade.  Everybody absolutely creased whenever someone quipped with the normally unfunny line ‘You’d better pack a bag…’ – especially two of the adults I hadn’t properly seen at first.  Then I voice told us that Ritcherd and John were due on stage at any moment.  I started to leave and one of the main laughing adults gripped me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes.  It was Paul McCartney (as he looked for the LET IT BE sessions).
Image
My mind went crazy; here I was, with a Beatle – and he was my mate!  Why was he looking at me like this, though?  My mind said, ‘Wow!  I’ve got to talk to him; be near him.  I hope he invites me over to his house.’  And Paul said, ‘Ritcherd, you ought to get a few personal belongings together…’  This pleased and excited me, but then he added, ‘Yup.  You’d better pack a bag.’  Everyone cracked up laughing at this and so did I.  Then, some school kid came up to me and said, ‘Tell John to get a move on.’  Then John Lennon came up to me, totally freaking me out and I had a lengthy conversation with him and Paul.  But John and I had to rush off because we were helping out with a college play or something.  So I rushed backstage and the SM kid said, ‘You’re too late.’  I then realised that, for some reason, John + I had been required to mime to ‘A DAY IN THE LIFE’ on stage, but Stan had had to do it instead.  Now, John was nowhere to be seen, so I decided to leave, pulling my leg on the curtain and accidentally knocking all the set down.  I then crashed to the floor, just as the song got to ‘I’d love to turn you on’ and John landed on top of me, but he was singing the lyrics to The Situation’s ‘spoof’ version, ‘A NOB IN THE WIFE’.  As the set fell on us all, he sang, ‘I can’t escape either’. 

And I found myself waking up in fits of laughter.

‘Closing Titles from The Bounty’ – Vangelis

BRILLIANT NEWS!

MY TICKET TO ‘UP NORTH’ HAS ARRIVED!

MY SENTENCE IS OVER.

Like, I mean, the lustful stuff on Thursday and Saturday.  She could have been anyone.  And she could have done with being someone a lot damn’ sexier as well.

She had a cigarette first thing this morning.  It made me want to beat her fucking senseless; just smack the fuck out of that little stuck-up bitch.  Not that I would, but I can’t deny feeling it.  I hate her smoking.  I dunno why.  Probably just because it’s her.  Pretty inconsiderate in this tiny room with the windows and doors shut and me asleep and my clothes absorbing the stink.  I did just want to beat her head in.  She has too many cigarettes anyway.  She also drinks tonnes of strong coffee, so her breath is fucking disgusting.

GOD!  SHE’S A PILE OF SHIT.

Later:

TRAVELLING

‘The Longships’ – Enya

My split personality is probably caused by some childhood incident.  I understand this. 

I could be about to flake out completely.  Flash should help, though; this holiday should. 

I regret feeling those things about Miranda.  I was exaggerating, but I do feel that I could so easily turn against her emotionally.  I have felt unable to NOT rebel against her snobbery.  I don’t think it’s merely ‘the place I’m in’, as I doubt I’ll find myself rebelling against Flash at all.

GOODBYE, MIRANDA.  FOR EVER.

Now I can get back to finding the real me.  It’s like The Prisoner or V for Vendetta or The Chinese Play or Mansfield – me fighting the other me’s, in order to find the true me.

[All very ZEN.  So what went wrong? – Ritcherd 1999]

Later:

‘In My Life’ – The Beatles

I met up with Flash today.  We talked vaguely about going on holiday; it was a bit lethargic.  Very pleased to see him, though.  We’re both staying at Aunty Vi’s in Kellington, because Gerry, his mum (and, yes, I know she’s pregnant, so fair enough), had adopted her semi-regular ‘vaguely annoying’ persona.  I hate this show of ‘tact’ she has to adopt if she doesn’t want me about the place.  This passive-aggressive ‘I’d rather he didn’t stay over’ business or stuff like, ‘He couldn’t stay at his Gran’s, could he?’  I actually wish she’d be blunter and just say ‘No’.  It’d save a lot of time and Flash wouldn’t have to play the guilty messenger, conveying bad news in the manner of his mother.  It makes me feel very uncomfortable, unwanted.  I mean, what is it about?  Anyway, that’s my only complaint and a very small one.  A pointless one.  After all, we’re having a nice time at Kellington, if a little low-key. 

Ho-ho-ho-hee-hee-hee-ha-ha-ha.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and almost always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]


Next time: ‘I like Flash…’

Sunday, 2 September 1990

Purgatory (and Notes From the Future)

PURGATORY 2nd SEPTEMBER

5pm

‘Money’ – The Beatles

I love my new BEATLES LPs.  They are all so diverse and varied, but with a unifying core, even – and this surprises me – With The Beatles.  It’s so good.  And Let It Be is great.

As Flash said, quite some time ago, I’d never have believed I would have been this much into THE BEATLES again.  Maybe now I’m out of the Teen Age it’s more credible to like them than it was…

Who gives a fuck?  I’m just dead pleased wi’ ‘em.

Things with Miranda are still both awful and fine.

So why are we perversely going through all this?

It’s just like all the other times: torment, agony, mind games, hassle.  Hate.  Love synonymous with hate.  It fucks yer off.  Then, somehow, in retrospect we both miss it.  It’s suicidal, sado-masochistic.  I don’t love her.  I’m beginning to see that my over-emotional intensities are based on nostalgia and alternatives, not anything concrete.

Eh?  What am I on about now?

I can’t wait to get away from here.  She can’t wait for me to go, but we’re still being amicable.

It’s all bad timing in a sense, of course.  My general, universal change of attitude doesn’t help.  Normally I would have conformed to her, fitted in, but I’m fed up with all this false crap.  I’m going through some sort of rebellion.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s anti-something.  It could be anything.  It’s probably just deeply personal more than anything.  It’ll pass soon, I know, but I think it will have some lasting significance on the rest of my life.  If you asked me how I’m ‘changing’, I couldn’t tell you, but I can feel that I am.  To see the difference, you’ll have had to have known me long before now.  These changes will lose me a lot of friends, no doubt, but it feels like a purge of characteristics and things I don’t like about myself; a clear-out of the system.  A rejection of all that ‘pomposity’ I’ve imbued myself with.  I’m talking in a more relaxed version of my native accent again – often forcing it just to get at Miranda.  I do like her a lot, but she’s part of the picture of my life that needs to be redrawn.  I’m trying to confront and affect the ‘problem areas’ of my life/mind because I know that, ultimately, the cause of all these problems is Ritcherd J. Winterfood.  There are just too many of him in here and not enough living hours in which to cater for them all.  I’ve noticed I’m swearing a lot more, too.  Didn’t really used to approve of that.

‘Power to the People’ – John Lennon

We’ve been to the pub today, and then a Caff.  She had a jacket potato, but I HAD to have sausage, egg ‘n’ chips and tea.  I haven’t eaten much lately.  

Fuck, I get pissed off with Miranda.  She even gets heavy about what clothes I wear (‘I don’t like that, take it off’) and I end up thinking, ‘Well look at you!  Piss off.’

It’ll be good to go.

She’s more of a snob than ever.  She’d lost that last year (in my opinion), but it’s rearing its fucking ugly head again. 

I’m also fed up of going out all the time ‘n’ all; spending tonnes of cash I don’t really have on food and booze.  Spending all that just so you can’t act silly and piss a lot!  Once in a while’s okay, but I’ve had enough now.  I don’t mind the acts themselves, but it’s the wanking money that gets me.  Especially as I feel obliged to buy Miranda’s drinks.  Is this what ‘seeing’ someone’s about?  Getting nothing useful done, coming in/on each other and then spending money you can ill afford in order to maintain each other’s interest?  I feel restless.  Fuck that.  I hate feeling obliged to go out as well.  Having to be sociable when you’re not in the mood.

‘Watermark’ – Enya

Tonight, we’re off out for a curry.  More fucking expense.  AND we’re off with two other girls, their boyfriends, and some other blokes I don’t know and don’t really need to know.  I’m not looking forward to it at all.

I felt as if I was TRIPPING today; dizzy and not really in control of my body.  Delayed worm effects?

I hope my ticket arrives tomorrow.

I got thinking about Suzi today, when Miranda was talking about her own abortion.  You might remember that Suzi got pregnant just after I finished with her in 1988, during her brief terms of endearment with Leighton and Stan.  I never heard anything more about it until 1989 when popular rumour seemed to suggest she’d had a baby.  Does this mean I have a baby somewhere or what?  Or maybe Leighton does?  Or Stan?  I’ve not really given it much thought.  I ought to talk to Stan about this.

Miranda’s asleep.  I reckon I’ve done her head in.  She started doing mine in, but I don’t think I honestly care anymore.

‘La Petite Fille de la Mer’ – Vangelis

FEMALE VISIONS  

I will only be happy when I have a creative female companion.  She will be my lover, my best friend, my mother and my mistress.  She will also be pretty much me.  But if she is anything, she needs to hold me and love and be a truly creative, happy, imaginative spirit.

Do I know any creative females that might be candidates?  I don’t think so.

I could be wrong, but I don’t know many instigators; only followers.  I want to be with someone who has ideas.  I can’t think of any female friends whose creative endeavours have truly impressed me before.  Or many male friends’ for that matter.

We’ll have to see, eh?  I’m not thinking about it hard enough.

But one day…

One.

Bastard.

                                                                        Day.

Later:

‘I Am the Walrus’ – The Beatles

NO, NO, NO, NOVICE, NOTICE, NOTRE DAME, NEUTERED MAN, NUTRITION, NEUTRINO, NO, NO, NO.  I’VE COME BACK.  I’VE CAME BOCK.  BOME MY CAVE < A BIT RUD THAT IF YOU CAN UNSCRAMBLE ITS MULTI-LAYERED PSEUDO-LOGICKS.  HEY!  HEY!  LISTEN TO ME.  ‘I AM THE WALRUS’.  LISTEN TO THAT.  IT’S GORGEOUS.  WE KNOW THIS ANYWAY, BUT I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO IT FROM A NEW PERSPECTIVE.  IMAGINE YOU’RE FLOATING THROUGH SOME OTHER-DIMENSION, AND YOU SLOWLY COME ACROSS ‘I AM THE WALRUS’ AND YOU LISTEN + BUILD UP THE IMAGES FROM ITS ‘STORY’.  IMAGINE THEN, TOWARDS THE END, AS ALL THE OTHER EXTERNAL NOISES EMERGE THAT ‘I AM THE WALRUS’ IS LIKE A BUBBLE OF SOUND, AND YOU ARE RISING AWAY FROM IT.  ALL THE OTHER NOISES EXPLODING AROUND IT ARE OTHER BUBBLES YOU NEVER NOTICED BEFORE, AROUND ‘I AM THE WALRUS’, AS IF WHILST LISTENING YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A SINGLE UNIQUE UNIVERSE, BUT AS YOU PULL AWAY YOU HEAR A MULTIVERSE.  WHOLE NEW WORLDS!  IT’S GORGEOUS!

Later:

8pm

‘Miss Clare Remembers’ – Enya

Miranda hates me, I can tell.

That’s okay, I don’t reckon much to her at all.  Same old story.  And different again, as usual.  She tells me she disapproves of her ‘character’ last year; what I saw of it was better than what she is now.  So was Miranda ’88.

I have known four Mirandas: Prologue, Second, Third, and Epilogue.  Prologue is closest to Epilogue in many ways, but Second and Third sit easily side-by-side.  I do not like Epilogue very much at all.  Second and Third were sexier, more mysterious and easier company.  Prologue and Epilogue are the shallow, slightly duller ones.  They’re not very me.  I don’t find them all that sexy, either.  Okay, we played around on Thursday and last night, but I once thought that it was a genuine ‘need’ in me.  Something I HAD to fulfil.  Now I just realise it’s just something she expects from her men.  I could have been anybody.  That’s been the amplifier for my more ‘rebellious’ nature of the last few days.  I’m learning the lesson again and this is probably it: CODA.

PLEASE, GOD, LET MY RAIL TICKET ARRIVE TOMORROW…

‘Memories of Green’ – Vangelis

Will I look back on this in a year’s time with longing?  If Miranda had been last year’s Miranda, dark, mysterious, long-haired and living in Wisbech, then things would perhaps be very different.  Does this therefore suggest that the success of any given emotional relationship is incumbent upon circumstances and situation?

I don’t renege on the emotions and feelings I’ve felt for her over this 5TH ANNIVERSARY; as I say, it’s need fulfilment rather than love.  But Miranda’s become something I don’t admire at all.  Something I’d hate to be.  I hope that after all this I can finally let her go.

We’ll have to see.

Something else that bugs me?  GOLDFINGER is on tonight and I can’t watch it because they haven’t got a telly here.


Miranda’s gone out now.  I elected to stay in and forget the curry.  When she returns, I expect she’ll be psychopathic and will cause a scene.  I also bet she’s extremely drunk.

[NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: Ritcherd, you immature, intolerant, petulant little twat.  Your self-absorption knew no limits, did it?  Yes.  I think of her now and I miss her.  I wonder where she is and what she’s doing.  She wanted you sexually and though you paint a negative picture, there were moments when it was clear you were mad about each other and perhaps even just a little bit in love.  AGAIN, you resisted the truth, and the potential of all that you could be.  I pray you will see her again one day and haven’t lost her for ever. – Ritcherd, June 1999]


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Next time: ‘Perceive…’