My No.1: ‘Happy Birthday Pigface
Christus’ – Current 93
Noggin
‘PLEASE
EXCUSE THE BAD WRITING, INCOHERENT SCRAWLS, ETC.IT ALL MEANS I’M FALLING IN LOVE, NO, I’VE
FALLEN IN LOVE.
JEZ,
PLEASE COME SOON.I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO
DO, NOW.
I’M
SITTING HERE WEARING YOUR SHIRT – IT’S THE ONLY PART OF YOU CLOSE ENOUGH TO
HOLD.
HARRY
IS SITTING ON MY FLOOR, DREAMING OF LUCY – I THINK HE’S MISSING HER AS MUCH AS
I’M MISSING YOU.
I
LOVE YOU – I CAN’T SAY ANY MORE, REALLY.I’D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, HOWEVER CLICHÉ THIS ALL SOUNDS.OH JEZ, PLEASE WRITE/PHONE/COME HERE TO STAY.
WHEN
STAN REALISED MY FEELINGS FOR YOU, HE STARTED BEING NICE TO ME + HE EVEN
SUGGESTED ME + HIM GOT BACK TOGETHER – NO WAY!I DON’T THINK I EVEN HAD THE FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM THAT I HAVE FOR YOU.IF SUNDAY WAS JUST SPITE OR MEANT NOTHING TO
YOU, THEN YOU’RE PROBABLY LAUGHING AT ALL THIS + WONDERING HOW TO GET RID OF
ME.GOD, I HOPE THAT’S NOT TRUE.I’M PRAYING THAT IT ALL MEANS SOMETHING TO
YOU.
PLEASE
WRITE,
I
LOVE YOU VERY MUCH,
Belinda
X’
Belinda… No, it wasn’t spite.I felt close to you and compelled to be with you that night.I only hope it’s not too late for me to ring
you at work tomorrow and tell you I’m coming to see you on Saturday.I can’t believe you feel so much.I actually thought you probably hated me last
year.It was the way you used to look at
me and watch me.I was clearly reading
that entirely incorrectly.And I thought
I was acting a real dickhead on Sunday.I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!
As
for Suzi…Well, I got upset on Tuesday night that she
and I may never speak again.But I think
that’s the end of it for us.
Natalia, I’ll pop in and see you on Saturday morning.
DRAMA
PRACTICLE HEXAM TOMORROW!
YEEEEUUURGHHH!!!
It’ll
be fine.Please, my Gods.Please.
I
went for a beautiful walk with my PS tonite (I listened to ‘Call Me’ by Throwing Muses,
‘The Age Of Elegance’ by Ron Grainer, ‘Song To The Siren’ by This
Mortal Coil, ‘The Crystal Ship’
by The Doors, ‘Happy Birthday Pigface Christus’ by Current 93, oh, and ‘Dance
Of Death’ by The Venomettes).It was beautiful outside – warm.The grass was wet and twilight had set
in.An orange blaze lit the horizon,
along with the nearly full moon.The
trees were beautiful silhouettes and a solitary star sparkled above.As a bird of prey flew by, I felt a tingle of
pleasure in my bones.The road upon
which I live, and our village, can be very beautiful.
[Images subject
to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton
Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’
which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the
‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the
Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton
Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study
of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this
blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and
incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video
clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No
copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.
Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging
you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise
offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this
and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
JEMIMA picked me up from work
tonight and we got stoned at my place, listening to the excellent DAFT PUNK
LP.
Much kissing and mutual masturbation.However, she did accidentally smash my
gorgeous oil burner (irreplaceable + bought for me by Betty a few years ago).
I’m worried I’m leading her on.I
just like her company, but we always end up snogging etc, and she’s just NOT
QUITE my type.
[Images subject
to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton
Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’
which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the
‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the
Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton
Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study
of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this
blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and
incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video
clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No
copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.
Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging
you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise
offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this
and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
One of those super-hero style comic book
faces with great cheekbones and a strong jaw, but with middle-parted hair and
stubble…
Frantic eyes and chiselled teeth floating in the
emptiness…
PiZZONME
I
awoke with worries.Worries.Was it all bullshit?Or are we really trapped?
In
Tech, we rehearsed the Drama Project production now called C’est La Vie.In this play about human failings, I play an
extra-terrestrial ‘assessor’ who comes to judge the darker world of
humanity.It was great and those who
watched really loved it.
I
spoke to Suzi’s mates.Apparently she DIDN’T get anything from the
clinic yesterday because it would be pointless.Now did I panic when I heard that?NOT MUCH!!!
What
will we do?
I spent an hour or so with
Justine and she’s been really
supportive.Thank god for Sept ’87.Justine’s a good person.God, she’s skill.She’s been really supportive.When she went home, I returned to Tech.
In Tech, I spoke to Suzi
finally.She says I’m not to worry.If there is a child, she will get rid of
it.I must not worry, she says, because
as far as she is concerned, it is not my responsibility.And that’s all very fine.I could say, ‘Sure’, but I feel so much guilt
about it all.And what of Suzi’s
physical and emotional well-being?
Arriving
home, I received two letters.One from Natalia and one from Belinda.They were both great.
Letter from Belinda:
‘JEZ/RITCHERD/ETC.
(Please tell me which you prefer)
THIS
IS THE 4TH TIME I’VE TRIED TO WRITE TO YOU IN THE PAST 20 MINUTES –
I JUST CAN’T FIND THE RIGHT WORDS.
STAN’S
STOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER, BECAUSE OF NAT, BECAUSE OF HOW YOU TREAT FEMALES +
BECAUSE HE SAYS SAT/SUN WERE JUST ATTEMPTS TO SPITE HIM, BUT I CAN’T FORGET
WHAT HAPPENED.IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.I FELT SO CLOSE TO YOU, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU
FOREVER.
I’M
PROBABLY MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF BY WRITING THIS – MAYBE STAN IS RIGHT.I DON’T KNOW.ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT YOU ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL, LOVING PERSON I HAVE
EVER MET.I FEEL SO MUCH LIKE CRYING
BECAUSE YOU ARE FAR AWAY.I DON’T KNOW
IF I’LL SEE YOU AGAIN – STAN SAYS I WILL, BECAUSE YOU’LL COME LOOKING FOR HIM +
ANYWAY, YOU LEFT YOUR SHIRT, SO YOU HAVE TO COME OVER.
OH
GOD, JEZ, WHY ARE YOU SO PERFECT?WHY DO
I LOVE YOU?I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME
TONIGHT, IT FEELS SO LONELY WITHOUT YOU.LIFE SUDDENLY SEEMS EMPTY NOW YOU’VE GONE.
SUNDAY
MORNING WAS BEYOND DESCRIPTION AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, JUST SO TENDER + SO
SPECIAL.NO WORDS ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO
EXPLAIN HOW YOU MADE ME FEEL – HEAVEN, PERHAPS?WHO KNOWS?YOU’RE THE
POETIC/LYRICAL ONE.
I
COULDN’T EVEN WAVE GOODBYE TO YOU ON THE BUS.I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU.
IF
YOU OBJECT TO ME, PLEASE JUST WRITE + TELL ME, BECAUSE IT’LL GET ON YOUR NERVES
IF I CARRY ON WRITING TO YOU.
PLEASE
COME HERE SOON, I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADY + IT’S ONLY 8PM ON SUNDAY.I’LL LIE ALONE IN BED TONIGHT, WISHING,
HOPING YOU’LL RETURN.EVERYTHING IS SO
CONFUSING.I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT ME.I’M ONLY SURE OF ONE THING +
THAT IS WHAT I WANT YOU SO MUCH; WORDS FAIL ME.I NEED TO BE WITH YOU, TO TOUCH YOU, TO WAKE UP IN YOUR ARMS.I KNOW YOU’VE GOT YOUR A-LEVELS, BUT PLEASE
TRY + WRITE OR EVEN VISIT.I SUPPOSE IF
YOU PASS, YOU’LL GO TO EUROPE; IF YOU FAIL THEN YOU’LL STAY TILL NOVEMBER.I WOULDN’T WISH FAILURE ON YOU, BUT I WANT
YOU SO MUCH…’
Belinda,
I had no idea your feelings were so strong.
She
seems crazy about me, but I feel guilty about Suzi.
The
letter from Natalia (which has a Snoopy
sticker on it and Snoopy’s thinking: ‘IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND YOU CAN LEAN
ON’ – and he’s leaning on Woodstock,
who’s leaning on him) was begun on the Thursday 18th May:
‘My
dearest Ritcherd,
It’s
4.25pm and I’m in bed.I felt bloody
awful when I got up.My throat felt like
the bottom of a vulture’s cage, but I braved all and went to Sixth Form.I got progressively worse, so came home at
lunchtime.And here I am.
I’ve
just re-read the letter you wrote but never sent to me.It really is nice.
I
enjoyed myself on Tuesday and I want to see you again – soon.When you read me your diary, I was touched by
what you said about me and our beautiful friendship.I was filled with that same sense of
breathlessness and heavy emotion as on that Friday.Like you, I would love to spend a night, just
the two of us with a bottle of wine, beneath the moonlight, sharing memories,
feelings, fears, desires – completely baring our souls to one another; fusing
together as one; holding each other + keeping each other warm.
I
listened to the Situation tape.I
started off listening to it on my Walkman and everyone kept looking at me
because I either had a massive grin on my face or was uncontrollably
laughing.I listened to the rest at home
and I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re both completely off your
trolley.Babber Pie, indeed.One bit which made me giggle was ‘…and the
bears.’I haven’t heard anyone say that
for ages.
God,
I feel awful.I think I’ve got bugger
flu.
Write
to me.Soon.Please.I need to see you; I don’t want you to fade away.
A
friend asked me yesterday, ‘Have you found what you’re looking for?’
‘Yes,’
I answered, and smiled.All that remains
now is to build on it.
How’s
Suzi?And things between you + her?
I
doubt if I’m going to see The Sugar Cubes now.Not sure if I can get there, and if I’m still feeling yuk, then I
won’t.‘Tis a shame, but ne’er mind.
I
want to go to sleep now, so I’ll see you in my dreams.
All
my purest love, forever,
natalia
xxx
‘sans
toi, je ne suis rien’
PS.All day Wednesday, I felt an unexpected sense
of elation.I was floating on air and
utterly contented.I hadn’t intended to
feel that way, it had just come over me.All thanks to you.Did you feel
the same?I smile when I think of you,
or hear your name.Is it the same for
you?
I
opened my mouth to explain to Katy what’s going on between us, but it seemed
useless to try and explain.It’s
something you have to experience really.I feel no need to share it, to tell anyone; if I think of you, of us, I
feel content and secure.I hope you feel
the same.
nX
11.17pm:Here I am, writing more after our phone
convo.Do you remember New Romance and
‘Walking In The Rain’?Bit of a naff
song, I know, but sometimes they’re the ones which spring to mind in certain
situations (situations – what a double-entendre word-play an’ all that!).
I
want to explain about the entry I made in your diary.I wrote what I was feeling at that very
moment.Not just that evening or since
I’ve begun to know you better, but the exact thoughts that were flowing through
my mind and in my blood as the ink formed on the paper.
I’ve
just written my diary for today and I asked, Why do I find myself not mentioning
you and our friendship to Mark?Why am I
acting like I’m guilty of something?Do
you understand what I am (badly) trying to say?It’s as if we’re covering up for something.I don’t know, but I’m sure Suzi isn’t so
possessive that she won’t allow you to have female friends, and I know Mark
isn’t, yet still I keep quiet.
Any
road, cock.It so transpires that I may
still be going to see the Cubes of Sugar tomorrow.Mum’s friend will take me if his daughter
doesn’t come home for the weekend.So
fingers crossed.’
The
letter continues on Friday 19th May:
‘2am:
I can’t sleep.I went to bed at 11pm and
I haven’t been able to sleep yet.
Where
are you?I keep thinking about you.I want to talk.
What
do you do when you’re having an attack of insomnia?I’ve tried reading, both heavy and easy
stuff; I’ve tried just lying and letting my mind drift; I made myself a hot
chocolate, but it hasn’t worked.I can’t
listen to music because it’ll wake my Mum up, and the batteries on my personal
stereo are knackered.I actually feel
like doing some exercise, but my body’s too heavy and lethargic.I shouldn’t have gone to sleep this
afternoon, really.
If
we ever get to stay up all night together talking, you’ll notice something that
I do when I’m tired but past sleeping.I
ramble.I sit and talk about the most
trivial and the most profound things, and with such continuity that there’s no
reply or interjection you can make.I
just rattle on and on, almost as if talking to myself, as if I couldn’t even care
if anyone was listening or not.I’m
doing it a bit now, actually: writing for the sake of it.I suppose I should really do some work or
revision or something, instead of wasting my time, but I can’t be bothered.
I’ve
got a crush on ‘Cathouse’ by Danielle Dax at the moment, and I don’t care.
Have
you got Treasure by The Cocteau’s?It must be my all time fave album (even though Flowers’s got it!).
Do
you see a lot of Suzi?Or p’raps I
should say, ‘Do you see Suzi a lot?’
Hum
ho.S’pose I better try and get some
sleep.I feel more awake, though, as the
night draws on.Still, I’m not going to
school (god I hate that word – it makes me sound so young) tomorrow anyway.
Did
I mention I saw Matt on Wednesday?No,
how could I have done (mentioned it, that is).He was in Downham, having just been to see Ursula, I presumed.
I
want to go on holiday somewhere hot, but cheap and unknown.Cycling through Granada, Spain would be
nice.Visiting medieval monasteries and
walking through scorching village lanes, full of dust and lined with
flat-roofed, white villas and old women casting disapproving looks.Dark-haired, dark-skinned children playing in
the street.Washing hanging on
make-shift lines.Young mothers holding
toddlers round their apron-clad waists.Far off a baby cries.Unfamiliar,
foreign languages can be heard – shouting in that way Latin types do,
aggressively, their pitch and tone augmenting and diminishing.Yet, the feeling of being a stranger, being
unwanted… the feeling that if they didn’t like you, they would spit on you as
you passed in the street, but they don’t because they don’t care, not a
toss.And this feeling doesn’t worry you
at all, you just ride straight through, perhaps pausing to take in a beautiful
vista from a hill, or to have a drink.But you carry on smiling, with the hot sun beating down from a cloudless
sky…That’s what I would like.
I’m
going on holiday this year with my Dad, but I don’t know where yet.Probably France again.
Are
you still going to Europe?I hope to go
next year after my exams.
Oh
dear, I’ve just realised I’ve been going on, being boring and irrelevant.I’m just writing down my thoughts
really.The image of a Spanish village
keeps coming into my head lately and I wanted to see how accurately I could
describe it.Have you ever read, or seen
on telly, Laurie Lee’s As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning?He walks through Spain, and it sounds just
like my image.Perhaps that is where my
image comes from.
Shut
up, Nat.
Think
I’ll listen to you + Flash again.
Goodnight.
XX.
The
silence that lays all around at this time of night is so lonely and empty.I feel as if I’m the only person awake in the
whole world.’
Natalia…Thank you for being there.Sorry I’m a little ‘odd’ at the moment, but
I’ll pull through, I always do.
Thank
you for support, Flash.
Later:
‘Suedehead’
– Morrissey
I
am upset that Suzi and I may never speak again.I feel guilt and regret.
[Images subject
to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton
Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’
which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the
‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the
Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton
Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study
of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this
blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and
incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video
clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No
copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.
Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging
you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise
offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this
and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
I
wrote an entry at Belinda’s
place.Will it ever see the light of
day?!Probably bring about my ultimate
downfall or something.
I’m
well out of it.Head spinning like
fuck.I feel so deathlike.Body aches.Head’s gone.
I’m
heavily into The Doors.
Later:
OH GOD I’M NOT HERE
COR!
See you tomorrow…
fook
Booze…
dope… Liquid Gold…
this
is an Xtended hangover…
fook!
Later:
‘Five
To One’ – The Doors
What
will the headlines say?
Oh
my god!Natalia help me!I need you
so much.I can understand if I’ve lost
you altogether now, but it’s never been like ‘this’.
Oh
god.I’m scared.I’m scared.And I’ve learnt a lot of lessons.Oh god, I’m scared.Please…help me… please…
I
had no condoms (as with the last time we made love).HAH!WHAT A TWAT!I HATE MYSELF!I cannot lie, I loved every minute of making
love to her, but… those moments for this oncoming eternity?Oh why?I’m going to cry…
I’m
crying…
Fuck
Lee and I
had a great chat in the STUDIO CAFÉ
on Saturday, and he’s really nice.I
din’t know he…
oh FUCK!AAAAH!
…sorry…It’s just… kids…babies…
I
didn’t know Lee had a baby girl…
Later:
‘Waiting
For The Sun’ – The Doors
At
Tech, Suzi wouldn’t speak and I felt even worse than I had been
doing.Then one of her friends said to
me, ‘Nothing personal, but did you ever sleep with Suzi without a condom?’
‘Yes,’
I said.
Suzi,
it seems, went to the clinic today for a ‘morning after’ pill.She was (menstrually) late.Which could probably only be me, two weeks
ago.
Oh
shit.I’m scared.I hope the pill works.I’ll have to see her friends about it.
Justine’s been a good help/support.
But
I need Natalia.
Oh
Nat.You will hate me now.
Please,
my gods, let all be well + good.My
lesson is learnt.No casual sex.Only condom sex to be condoned.And I will ask if girls are on the pill.
I
am scared.
I
want to be with Nat.I don’t want to be
a father. And Suzi won’t have me, I
don’t think, as a lover.And yet she
insists that I should have no other lovers now.And this baby’s the ideal way to trap me.
And
if it’s born, I will have no choice but to love it with all my heart.
oh god!
AAAARGH!
Natalia help me please!
help me!help me!
help
me!help me!
A Satanic snout-faced demon stares into me with deep,
black eyes…
Later:
On
the bus, Kathy’s telling-off rang in
my ears and continued all the way home.
NO
MORE SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS.CHECK ALSO
THAT A GIRL IS ON THE PILL.NO UTTERLY
‘CASUAL’ SEX.
It
was relieving to know that Kathy was once two weeks late, but everything turned
out fine.
Suzi
has been known to be late.I know
this.
Later:
‘Spanish Caravan’ – The Doors
Half-written letter, unsent
My
Dearest Natalia,
HI.
Oh
god, I wish you’d been around over the last few days, but you weren’t to know
of my ‘hassles’ were you?I’m missing
you like crazy and I want to sit and talk with you.
I
have been a git.A real donger!
On
Friday, I met Suzi just before The Sugar Cubes, and she was ‘alright’ – a bit
distant, though.Off she went, with all
her mates to the SC, and I went to the Pub with Stan and all our mates.
It
seems Stan and Belinda had argued + finished that nite, but it had been brewing
for some time.Stan had been seeing Sage
behind Belinda’s back and Belinda had found out.Stan had also been lazy, scruffy, uncaring
and useless while they had been together.Belinda, quite rightly, had nagged Stan to do more helping with the
housework (put his dirty clothes in the laundry bag, wash up now and then,
etc.), but he took a fit.‘I’m a rebel,’
he says.‘I wanna be in a place where I
can do what I want, without anyone telling me what to do.’He doesn’t realise he’s got a ‘mother figure’
dependency.They argued and he
told her that she’d better change her ways, or he would
leave!STUPID GIT!More arguments.‘Fine,’ he says, ‘I’ll stay in the spare room
+ then move out in a while.’
That
night, Stan met up with Sage, who went just after Suzi returned from the
gig.We then went back to Stan’s place.
Next
day, Suzi said she wanted to meet up with some blokes she’d met at the SC
gig.
I
said, ‘Fine, I don’t want to go, though, so I’ll see you at 5pm.’
She
agreed.
I
was a bit ‘miffed’ to say the least.She
was being so vague, giving nothing away, as usual.
I
later met up with all my mates ‘n’ stuff in NORWICH and got willy-babbered
(pissed!0.Then I saw Suzi + her new
‘mates’.I said ‘hi’, but she wouldn’t
give me the time of day.
I
saw her later, at 5pm.
‘Are
you coming back to Stan’s with us, Suzi?’
‘No,
I’m staying here for a while.’
I
wasn’t pissed off by now, was I, eh?
So
I went back to Stan’s with Belinda and my mate Lee.I chatted with Belinda in depth about her
‘situation’ with Stan, and it seems she’s really been fucked about by him, and
I felt really sorry for her.I told her
about you and I and Suzi, and we got dead close, friendly – getting on really
well.
At
the house, the party started at about 6.30pm, with the action alternating from
Stan’s end of the house to Belinda’s in overlapping phases.I sat with Belinda, who seemed really
depressed, until the house really filled up (with about 40 people) and we all
got dead stoned and pissed.
I
was out of my tree + god knows what I was thinking…
[Images subject
to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton
Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’
which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the
‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the
Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton
Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study
of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this
blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and
incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video
clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No
copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.
Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging
you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise
offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this
and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]
